Jack's Discount Emporium

Jack.....Jon Lovitz
Abraham Lincoln.....Terry Sweeney
George Washington.....Dennis Miller
Sitting Bull....Randy Quaid
Sherlock Holmes.....Jim Downey
Tarzan.....Robert Downey, Jr.
Announcer.....Don Pardo

[newspaper with headline "Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday Sale-abration" spins onto screen]

Announcer [V/O]:  It's a Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday Sale-abration!

[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie.  He is standing behind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linens marked "Sale"]

Jack:  Hey, this is Jack of Jack's Discount Emporium saying come on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday White Sale!  [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!]  This Monday, January 20th, we shall overcome high prices!  Mine eyes have seen the glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads for the low, low price of $19.99!  [Flashing super: $19.99]  That's only $19.99!

[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wall set]

Lincoln:  Four score and seven -- [Washington impersonator walks up beside him]  George Washington?!?

  I cannot tell a Lie, Abe!  I'm going to Jack's Warehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday White Sale!

[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]

Jack:  I have a dream!  You wanted quality linens [holds up merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!

[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bull impersonators standing in front of it]

Sitting Bull:  [raises left hand] How...how...how do they do it?

Sherlock Holmes:  [removes pipe from mouth]  Elementary, my dear Sitting Bull.  Low overhead means low prices!

[wipe back to Jack]

Jack:  [hands above eyes]  I have seen the other side of the mountain!  [lowers hands]  And the prices are way, way higher!  So march on down to the King!  King!  King Sized savings at Jack's Warehouse Emporium!

[dissolve to graphic of store with address super]

Announcer [V/O]:  Jack's Discount Emporium, Route 23 Dempster.

[Dissolve to brick wall set with Tarzan impersonator standing in front]

Off-stage voice:  Hey Tarzan!  You comin' or not?

Tarzan:  ["Tarzan Yell", beats chest]

[applause and fade]

Thanks to Ben Douwsma for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts