Jack's Discount Emporium
Abraham Lincoln.....Terry Sweeney
George Washington.....Dennis Miller
Sitting Bull....Randy Quaid
Sherlock Holmes.....Jim Downey
Tarzan.....Robert Downey, Jr.
[newspaper with headline "Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday
Sale-abration" spins onto screen]
Announcer [V/O]: It's a Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday
[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie. He is standing
behind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linens
Jack: Hey, this is Jack of Jack's Discount Emporium saying
come on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday White
Sale! [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!] This Monday, January
20th, we shall overcome high prices! Mine eyes have seen
the glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads for
the low, low price of $19.99! [Flashing super: $19.99] That's
[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wall
Lincoln: Four score and seven -- [Washington impersonator
walks up beside him] George Washington?!?
Washington: I cannot tell a Lie, Abe! I'm going to Jack's
Warehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday White
[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]
Jack: I have a dream! You wanted quality linens [holds
up merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!
[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bull
impersonators standing in front of it]
Sitting Bull: [raises left hand] How...how...how do they do
Sherlock Holmes: [removes pipe from mouth] Elementary,
my dear Sitting Bull. Low overhead means low prices!
[wipe back to Jack]
Jack: [hands above eyes] I have seen the other
side of the mountain! [lowers hands] And the prices are way,
way higher! So march on down to the King! King! King
Sized savings at Jack's Warehouse Emporium!
[dissolve to graphic of store with address super]
Announcer [V/O]: Jack's Discount Emporium, Route 23
[Dissolve to brick wall set with Tarzan impersonator standing in
Off-stage voice: Hey Tarzan! You comin' or
Tarzan: ["Tarzan Yell", beats chest]
[applause and fade]
Thanks to Ben Douwsma for this transcript!