85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Target Earth

Major ... Randy Quaid
1st Alien ... Jay Leno
2nd Alien ... Robert Downey, Jr.
1st Scientist ... Dennis Miller
2nd Scientist ... Nora Dunn

[Pompous 1950s-era movie music. SUPER: TARGET EARTH in white block letters over a shot of the Earth seen from outer space. Dissolve to stock footage of flying saucer from 1950s science fiction movie. SUPER: SOMEWHERE OVER OREGON - Cut to stock footage of a saucer landing behind a hill (from the 1951 film Invaders from Mars). Spinning newspaper, the front page headline of THE LEDGER reads: SPACESHIP LANDS IN OREGON; MILITARY RUSHES TO SITE - Dissolve to a major addressing a group of uniformed soldiers next to an impressive-looking futuristic spaceship.]

Major: All right, men! I want all weapons kept out of sight. We'll use 'em if we have to but my orders are to establish friendly contact.

Soldier: [leans forward and clears his throat] Uh - uh, Major.

[The major turns to see the spaceship's gangplank/door open and descend with appropriately ominous noise, music and smoke effects. Two intimidating space aliens in silver space suits walk slowly down the gangplank to address the men. At all times, the aliens act obnoxiously superior to the Earth men, virtually sneering at them throughout.]

1st Alien: Who among you is the leader of this planet?

Major: I'm in charge here. I report directly to our leaders.

1st Alien: Bring them this message. Tell them that we come from a distant galaxy, from a planet far more advanced than your own.

Major: What shall I say is the purpose of your visit?

2nd Alien: [holding a book under his arm] Miserable Earth creature! It is not for you to know our plans. [rubs the book affectionately]

1st Alien: [raises a hand] Tell the leaders of your backward planet to gather in this spot in one Earth week. On that time, we will reveal our intentions.

2nd Alien: In the meantime, bring them this book. It is a documentation of our achievements as a civilization. Achievements far beyond your puny comprehension.

1st Alien: Tell them to study it well. But tell them also we want it back -- when they are finished.

2nd Alien: Yes.

Major: I'll tell 'em.

2nd Alien: It is a very valuable book.

Major: [takes the book, looks at it] I understand.

1st Alien: It is impossible to replace.

2nd Alien: So don't get it dirty!

1st Alien: We'll meet again in this spot in one week. [pointedly, to the major] And you will have what with you?

Major: The book?

1st Alien: Right.

[The aliens nod. Satisfied, they retreat back into the spaceship. Dissolve to an image of the U.S. Capitol Building. SUPER: WASHINGTON D.C. Dissolve to a government science office with a photos of outer space images and a smiling Ronald Reagan hanging on the wall. Two plainclothes scientists peer at the aliens' book.]

1st Scientist: I know it seems hard to believe but I think this is on the level.

[The second scientist nods in agreement. The major enters and confers with them.]

Major: Okay, what have you found out?

1st Scientist: What this is is sort of a combination almanac/encyclopedia for the planet Mitron.

2nd Scientist: It gives a pretty complete rundown on their entire civilization.

Major: All right, give it to me straight. Just what are we up against here?

1st Scientist: Major, as far as I can tell, we are dealing with a civilization here that is far - less - advanced - than our own.

2nd Scientist: I don't know what they told you about the planet Mitron but it's about three hundred years behind the planet Earth.

Major: But surely they must have much to teach us!

2nd Scientist: No.

1st Scientist: Not really.

2nd Scientist: Nothing.

1st Scientist: [shakes head sadly, shows the major the book] Look, look. Leading occupation: sheep herding. Principle manufactured product: oil lamps. I could go on and on.

2nd Scientist: I know why they were so concerned about the book -- it's hand-lettered. They haven't even invented movable type yet.

Major: [exhales deeply] And if you could have seen the way they acted! ... [smacks his fist into his hand] Boy, this makes me mad! ... What about the spaceship?

2nd Scientist: Well, there's no way in the world they could have built it. Our guess is -- they found it.

Major: [upset] Oooh!

[Dissolve back to the spaceship. SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER - The aliens descend the gangplank and confer with the major and his men. The major patiently holds the aliens' book. The aliens are as haughty, sneering and obnoxious as before.]

1st Alien: Greetings, contemptible Earth creatures. It is time you have learned of our plans for your miserable planet. Gort?

2nd Alien: Yes. As those of you who have seen our book may know, one of the great wonders of Mitron is our sophisticated network of dirt roads.

1st Alien: However, every spring, the same thing happens. The rains come and our roads become a sea of mud. It is very hard on our stagecoaches.

[The major glances back at his men. They can barely keep from laughing.]

2nd Alien: In order to properly maintain these roads, we need two things: more dirt -- and slaves. We have chosen you, Earth creatures, to be those slaves.

1st Alien: We know how you must feel. Obviously, we do not expect you to be pleased upon hearing that you are to be enslaved but at least you must admire our frankness.

2nd Alien: It would have been easy for us simply to lie to you and tell you we had come in friendship. But we thought by telling you the truth, we may be able to win your respect, if not your affection.

Major: Excuse--

[One of the soldiers bursts into applause. The major and the other men look at him, annoyed. Embarrassed, he stops clapping and lowers his head.]

Major: [to the aliens] Excuse me. But, um, the leaders of our planet are most curious about your spaceship. How did you build it?

1st Alien: [quickly] We did too build it!

Major: No one said that you didn't build it.

2nd Alien: [defensively] We didn't just find it! We built it ourselves, miserable Earth creature!

1st Alien: [to the major] So, what is your answer? Do you agree to come quietly and be our slaves or do you face the awesome power of our muskets?

[The second alien holds up a long, old-fashioned musket. The major forcefully pushes the book into the first alien's chest and takes a small submachine gun that is handed to him by one of the soldiers.]

Major: [holds up the submachine gun] This is our answer.

2nd Alien: [laughs at the major's small gun] Ha ha ha!

1st Alien: So, puny Earth creature, is that a weapon?

2nd Alien: Ah! But does it fire round lead balls, like these? [shows the major a handful of musket balls]

Major: Yes, it does. It fires two hundred round lead balls per minute.

[The major steps forward and fires the machine gun noisily into the air. The major returns to the astonished aliens who slowly retreat up the gangplank while still trying to maintain their false impression of superiority.]

1st Alien: So, Earthlings, we will return to conquer you. Right now, we are leaving. ... But we will come back later when it pleases us.

2nd Alien: Yes. Yours is one of - several planets we are considering conquering. We may decide not to but the choice is ours. Until then, don't go anywhere.

1st Alien: Yeah, and - and don't leave this planet!

[The major and his men watch as the gangplank/door rises and shuts with an ominous bang. Engine noises and smoke emerge from the bottom of the ship. Dissolve to stock footage of flying saucer taking off and departing, accompanied by pompous '50s movie music. SUPER: THE END ?]

Submitted Anonymously

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