85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers
Major ... Randy Quaid
1st Alien ... Jay Leno
2nd Alien ... Robert Downey, Jr.
1st Scientist ... Dennis Miller
2nd Scientist ... Nora Dunn
[Pompous 1950s-era movie music. SUPER: TARGET EARTH in
white block letters over a shot of the Earth seen from
outer space. Dissolve to stock footage of flying
saucer from 1950s science fiction movie. SUPER:
SOMEWHERE OVER OREGON - Cut to stock footage of a
saucer landing behind a hill (from the 1951 film
Invaders from Mars). Spinning newspaper, the
front page headline of THE LEDGER reads: SPACESHIP
LANDS IN OREGON; MILITARY RUSHES TO SITE - Dissolve to
a major addressing a group of uniformed soldiers next
to an impressive-looking futuristic
Major: All right, men! I want all weapons kept
out of sight. We'll use 'em if we have to but my
orders are to establish friendly contact.
Soldier: [leans forward and clears his throat]
Uh - uh, Major.
[The major turns to see the spaceship's gangplank/door
open and descend with appropriately ominous noise,
music and smoke effects. Two intimidating space aliens
in silver space suits walk slowly down the gangplank
to address the men. At all times, the aliens act
obnoxiously superior to the Earth men, virtually
sneering at them throughout.]
1st Alien: Who among you is the leader of this
Major: I'm in charge here. I report directly to
1st Alien: Bring them this message. Tell them
that we come from a distant galaxy, from a planet far
more advanced than your own.
Major: What shall I say is the purpose of your
2nd Alien: [holding a book under his arm]
Miserable Earth creature! It is not for you to know
our plans. [rubs the book affectionately]
1st Alien: [raises a hand] Tell the leaders of
your backward planet to gather in this spot in
one Earth week. On that time, we will reveal our
2nd Alien: In the meantime, bring them this
book. It is a documentation of our achievements as a
civilization. Achievements far beyond your puny
1st Alien: Tell them to study it well. But tell
them also we want it back -- when they are
2nd Alien: Yes.
Major: I'll tell 'em.
2nd Alien: It is a very valuable
Major: [takes the book, looks at it] I
1st Alien: It is impossible to replace.
2nd Alien: So don't get it
1st Alien: We'll meet again in this spot in one
week. [pointedly, to the major] And you will have what
Major: The book?
1st Alien: Right.
[The aliens nod. Satisfied, they retreat back into the
spaceship. Dissolve to an image of the U.S. Capitol
Building. SUPER: WASHINGTON D.C. Dissolve to a
government science office with a photos of outer space
images and a smiling Ronald Reagan hanging on the
wall. Two plainclothes scientists peer at the aliens'
1st Scientist: I know it seems hard to believe
but I think this is on the level.
[The second scientist nods in agreement. The major
enters and confers with them.]
Major: Okay, what have you found out?
1st Scientist: What this is is sort of a
combination almanac/encyclopedia for the planet
2nd Scientist: It gives a pretty complete
rundown on their entire civilization.
Major: All right, give it to me straight. Just
what are we up against here?
1st Scientist: Major, as far as I can tell, we
are dealing with a civilization here that is far -
less - advanced - than our own.
2nd Scientist: I don't know what they told you
about the planet Mitron but it's about three hundred
years behind the planet Earth.
Major: But surely they must have much to teach
2nd Scientist: No.
1st Scientist: Not really.
2nd Scientist: Nothing.
1st Scientist: [shakes head sadly, shows the
major the book] Look, look. Leading occupation: sheep
herding. Principle manufactured product: oil lamps. I
could go on and on.
2nd Scientist: I know why they were so
concerned about the book -- it's hand-lettered. They
haven't even invented movable type yet.
Major: [exhales deeply] And if you could have
seen the way they acted! ... [smacks his fist into his
hand] Boy, this makes me mad! ... What about the
2nd Scientist: Well, there's no way in the
world they could have built it. Our guess is -- they
Major: [upset] Oooh!
[Dissolve back to the spaceship. SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER
- The aliens descend the gangplank and confer with the
major and his men. The major patiently holds the
aliens' book. The aliens are as haughty, sneering and
obnoxious as before.]
1st Alien: Greetings, contemptible Earth
creatures. It is time you have learned of our plans
for your miserable planet. Gort?
2nd Alien: Yes. As those of you who have seen
our book may know, one of the great wonders of Mitron
is our sophisticated network of dirt roads.
1st Alien: However, every spring, the same
thing happens. The rains come and our roads become a
sea of mud. It is very hard on our
[The major glances back at his men. They can barely
keep from laughing.]
2nd Alien: In order to properly maintain these
roads, we need two things: more dirt -- and slaves. We
have chosen you, Earth creatures, to be those
1st Alien: We know how you must feel.
Obviously, we do not expect you to be pleased upon
hearing that you are to be enslaved but at least you
must admire our frankness.
2nd Alien: It would have been easy for us
simply to lie to you and tell you we had come in
friendship. But we thought by telling you the truth,
we may be able to win your respect, if not your
[One of the soldiers bursts into applause. The major
and the other men look at him, annoyed. Embarrassed,
he stops clapping and lowers his head.]
Major: [to the aliens] Excuse me. But, um, the
leaders of our planet are most curious about your
spaceship. How did you build it?
1st Alien: [quickly] We did too build
Major: No one said that you didn't build
2nd Alien: [defensively] We didn't just find
it! We built it ourselves, miserable Earth
1st Alien: [to the major] So, what is your
answer? Do you agree to come quietly and be our slaves
or do you face the awesome power of our
[The second alien holds up a long, old-fashioned
musket. The major forcefully pushes the book into the
first alien's chest and takes a small submachine gun
that is handed to him by one of the soldiers.]
Major: [holds up the submachine gun] This is
2nd Alien: [laughs at the major's small gun] Ha
1st Alien: So, puny Earth creature, is that a
2nd Alien: Ah! But does it fire round lead
balls, like these? [shows the major a handful of
Major: Yes, it does. It fires two hundred round
lead balls per minute.
[The major steps forward and fires the machine gun
noisily into the air. The major returns to the
astonished aliens who slowly retreat up the gangplank
while still trying to maintain their false impression
1st Alien: So, Earthlings, we will return to
conquer you. Right now, we are leaving. ... But
we will come back later when it pleases us.
2nd Alien: Yes. Yours is one of -
several planets we are considering conquering.
We may decide not to but the choice is ours. Until
then, don't go anywhere.
1st Alien: Yeah, and - and don't leave this
[The major and his men watch as the gangplank/door
rises and shuts with an ominous bang. Engine noises
and smoke emerge from the bottom of the ship. Dissolve
to stock footage of flying saucer taking off and
departing, accompanied by pompous '50s movie music.
SUPER: THE END ?]