85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers
Jay Leno's Monologue
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Jay
[Cheers and applause for the dark-haired,
lantern-jawed stand-up comedian who, with his
short-sleeved jacket, vaguely resembles Frankenstein's
Jay Leno: All right! Thank you, thank you,
thank you! All right! [Cheers and applause continue.]
All right, we didn't come here to have fun! Settle
down! ... Good to see, everybody, welcome to the show.
Saw a frightening statistic in the paper, this is
unbelievable. What do you think the most widely read
magazine in America is? Take a guess.
Genuine Audience Member: "Us"!
Jay Leno: No, not "Us."
Another Audience Member: "Reader's
Jay Leno: Used to be "Reader's Digest"! Now,
it's "TV Guide"! "TV Guide" is now considered
reading in America! ... When did this happen? I
think it happened the same day ketchup became a
vegetable in this country! ... "Are you comin'
to bed, dear?" "Oh, in a couple of hours, honey. I
just want to see who's on 'Cross Wits' for the rest of
the week. ... Put my book marker on Thursday so as not
to lose my place." ... I like the new ad campaign:
"You need 'TV Guide' because TV's getting more
complicated every day." ... Boy, you know there
are people out there saying, "We'd like to
watch 'The Dukes of Hazzard' -- we just don't
have the educational background. ... If only
there was a supplement we could follow along with."
I watch my favorite show every day -- "People's
Court"? ... [applause for "The People's Court"] Now
this - this is like "Attack of the Pinheads," this
program, innit? "He took my pen!" "I did not!" "He
took my pen!" "You shut up!" I think you should give
the death sentence to some of these people. ...
You know-- and I feel sorry for Judge Wapner. He must
take so much grief from the other judges. I mean, hey
-- judges are a pretty pompous group. Whenever ya get
a bunch of judges in a room, they'll always try to
impress one another with the important cases they've
handled. "Well, I remember the essence of the Miranda
decision was essentially that the rights of the
individual should triumph over the needs of-- Why,
here comes Judge Wapner now! ... Hey, Wapner!
How'd you make out with that Case of the
Puppy-Stained Carpet?!" ...
Game shows? You know, there was a time in this country
to be on a game show, you actually had to know
somethin', y'know? ... Now, they bring back stuff like
"The New Dating Game," "The New Newlywed Game." I
should explain how this works. See, although the
literacy rate in this country is low, the networks are
worried that it's not quite low enough. ... So, by
bringing back shows like "The Dating Game" what they
hope to do is mate genetically inferior people ... in
the realization that they will reproduce mutant
offspring ... thus ensuring the next generation of
contestants for these game shows. Yeah. ... It's all
in a new book-- [applause] All in a new book called
"Frontiers of Science" by Bob Eubanks and Dr. William
Now, here's something. I don't know. You know,
honestly, I like George Kennedy. I like Danny Thomas.
Why do they have to try and sell these sleazeball
insurance policies ... to the elderly and these poor
veterans? "Are you fifty to eighty and thinking about
life insurance?" Come on! What eighty-year-old guy is
just thinking about life insurance? ... "You
know, honey, our children are in their sixties
now ... Well, God forbid if we ever had that
motorcycle accident, geez, I ... just want to know
those kids are taken care of." And the benefits! If
you're hospitalized, they pay you fifty dollars a day
cash! Fifty dollars! How you gonna spend that kind
of dough in the hospital, huh? ... "Wanna put an
extra stitch in my head, Doc? I'm gettin' fifty a day,
okay?! ... Here's an extra two bucks. You split that
with the head surgeon." ... Hey, that's not all.
They'll pay you fifty dollars every day you're
hospitalized -- [snaps fingers] -- regardless of
length of stay. Hey, let's be honest. As soon as this
hospital finds out you're only gettin' fifty bucks a
day -- [smacks hand with fist] -- you're not gonna be
hospitalized too much longer, all right, pal? ...
You'll be in a roll-away bed in the parking lot by the
time they figure that one out. ...
Any coffee achievers in the room? [briefly
plays air guitar] ... Oh, these are the worst. Now,
they're trying to get kids to drink coffee. They show
rock star David Bowie drinking coffee. Come on! To
David Bowie, a cup o' coffee is merely a
sedative at this point. ... [applause] Well,
that's the big thing now, innit? Try to get some big
time celebrity to be a spokesman. Like a Bill Cosby
for Jell-O, Cliff Robertson for AT&T, those are pretty
good. But some of them are embarrassing. I keep seeing
this one: "Here's Martha Raye -- actress, denture
wearer." ... Really? Is this really an
accomplishment? Denture wearing? I mean-- ... Is she
proud to have this on her resume? ... "Let's see, Miss
Raye, you've done theater, film -- Oh-oh, I see you're
a denture wearer! ... I had no idea your credentials
were quite so extensive, Miss Raye." ... "Here's Carl
Sagan -- astronomer, philosopher, hemorrhoid
sufferer!" ... I think he's doin' a hell of a job
Oh, I always get annoyed when I see celebrities try to
take advantage of the character they play on TV. Who's
this guy, Chris somethin', does an ad for Vicks? "I'm
not a doctor -- [raises a hand] -- although I play one
on TV." ... Not a doctor?! Hey, pal, I've seen your
show! You're not even an actor! ... [cheers and
applause] Thank you.
Anybody buy any new Time-Life Books? "The Great
Gunfighters"! "World War Two, the Hitler Era" -- this
is all part of the new Time-Life atrocity series. ...
My favorite is "The Great Gunfighters": "Read about
John - John Wesley Harding, so mean he once shot a man
just for snorin'." Is this really responsible
journalism on the part of "Time"? ... What are these
people gonna write about the 1980s a hundred years
from now? "Read about John Hinckley, Jr., an hombre so
ornery -- he once shot a president, [folksy voice]
just so he could meet a pretty gal." ...
And Hinckley - Hinckley's getting married. You all
know about this? It was in "People" Magazine so it
must be true. ... Hinckley met a woman at the prison
where he's incarcerated. Kind of your classic love
story there. ... She's a convicted murderer. And, of
course, Hinckley's an attempted murderer. You know, I
hope this doesn't cause problems in their marriage.
Sometimes a lot of guys can't handle it when the wife
is more successful. ... [applause]
Manson denied parole again last week. Boy, this must
come as quite a shock, huh? Gee ... I mean, does the
board even have to meet to even decide this
one? ... Couldn't they pretty much phone this one in?
... I mean, does Manson think he has a chance?
Huh? Does he try to get a parole? I mean, what
does a guy like Manson even say to his cell mate
before he meets with the parole board? [prissily
fusses with his necktie] "Gee, what do you think, Bob?
The blue tie? ... Too busy?" [puts his pinky in his
mouth] ... Manson was injured recently in prison. You
read about this? True story. A fellow inmate threw
gasoline on him and set him on fire during a
religious argument. ... Here's a couple of
major theologians for ya. ... [applause] Gee, I - I
wonder what part of the Scriptures they were having
trouble with when one threw gasoline on the other
one's face and set him on fire?! "Still think it's
Matthew 10?!" [mimes throwing bucket of gas] "Heeeey!"
[covers face with hands] ...
Hey, listen, we got a great show! The Neville Brothers
and Mike the Dog! And me! Stick around!
[Cheers and applause. The SNL Band kicks in with what
sounds like the bass riff from Henry Mancini's "Theme
from Peter Gunn" as we go to