85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers Weekend Update with Dennis Miller ... Dennis Miller ... A. Whitney Brown ... The Weekend Update Dancers Music Intro: Henry Mancini's "Theme from Peter Gunn" Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller! Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much. [lacking soul] R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. [Photo of round-faced dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier] The United States this week denied entry to former Haitian president Jean-Claude Duvalier, currently living in France. A spokesman for the State Department, in a carefully worded statement, said: [rapidly quoting old song lyric] "I don't want him, you can have him, he's too fat for me." ... [Photo of Philippine leader Ferdinand Marcos dressed in white and flanked by two other Asian men also dressed in white] In balloting done by the Hop Sing Institute of Virginia City, Nevada, President Marcos has been named Houseboy of the Year by that prestigious organization. ... [scattered applause for this reference to Victor Sen Yung's houseboy character on the TV series "Bonanza" which was set in the vicinity of Virginia City, Nevada] Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, this week, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning, in the smartest move of the year, the distant third-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought the entire water supply of North America. ... [applause] Walter Mondale finally resurfaced this week and said he still can't believe how bad he got stomped. You know, it's been over a year and I can't even remember the final count but, when I went to bed, Reagan had five hundred ninety-eight electoral votes -- Mondale had three. [chuckles] You know, if you think about it, that's only three more than I had -- I didn't even run, you know? ... This guy spent forty million dollars and I almost tied him. ... Talk about not havin' a date for the prom, huh? ... Geraldine Ferraro's son, John Zacarro, Jr., was busted for cocaine possession yesterday at Vermont's Middlebury College. [scattered applause - Dennis looks up in surprise and ad libs:] I think the Board of Regents is here. ... School psychiatrists said young John had a deep-seated need to compete with his father, John Zacarro, Sr. who ... last year pleaded guilty to real estate fraud. ... [scattered applause] Geraldine Ferraro, reached for a comment, said, "I can't explain any of this but, you know, I'm sure glad I kept my own last name." ... Influenza's back in the news and the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has announced that this year will see the most widespread flu epidemic since 1981. Now, to interpret this news story and its effect on you, here's the James Brown hit single "Living in America" and the Weekend Update Dancers, ladies and gentlemen! [Song begins. Camera zooms back as Dennis pulls his papers off the desk and retreats to make way for a half-dozen shapely women in scanty black outfits who dance onto the set -- three in front of the desk, three on top of the desk. Lights flash on the set while the dancers wave handkerchiefs and, as part of the choreography, blow their noses, clutch their heads and stomachs in pain, mime taking pills and going to sleep, etc., before exiting. Applause.] Dennis Miller: That's not exactly Scotty Reston but, then again, have you ever seen his legs? ... [mild reaction to Dennis' mention of New York Times columnist James B. "Scotty" Reston] Obviously, you've seen Scotty's legs a lot. America's-- ... America's newest supership, the U.S.S. Yorktown, which is capable of shooting down hundreds of targets at once and can simultaneously track everything in the Mediterranean that moves, smacked into a rock today and sank. ... [applause] [Photo of bald Russian dissident Anatoly Sharansky] This is not the boat. This is Anatoly Sharansky and he has been invited to visit New York by Mayor Ed Koch. [Photo of bald Ed Koch] Both are said to be looking forward to meeting, dining together -- [Side by side photos of Koch and Sharansky] -- and having some serious discussions about hair loss. ... Newsweek magazine's cover story this week was on Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker whom they refer to as "the second most powerful man in America." The most powerful man, of course, for obvious reasons, is singer-actor John Davidson. [Photo of John Davidson with a streak of white in his hair] ... [Dennis chuckles and points to his own hair] What's with that white thing, Johnny? Get a hold of that, okay? ... [Photo of Ronald Reagan cupping a hand to his mouth and yelling to someone] President Reagan entered a hog-calling contest in Iowa last Thursday. ... [applause] And you know what? He made Tip O'Neill run all the way from Washington to Des Moines just so he could win it. ... [Dennis apologizes to the overweight Speaker of the House of Representatives] Sorry about that, Tipper. Contrary to long-held belief, anthropologists now say that American Indians wasted literally every part of the buffalo. The large fatty hump was used as a doorstop, the hide was used for kites, and the horns were used as fake buck teeth. ... A new variation in the game of bridge -- in which the cards are looked at briefly, then torn in half and thrown in your opponent's face -- has been invented by a poor sport in Boston. ... [weak reaction from crowd, Dennis sighs] Wish he would have kept that invention to himself. Well! ... Dennis Miller: Here again, to untangle the knotty strands of the world situation, is our senior correspondent. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome A. Whitney Brown! [Cheers and applause as we dolly over to the dapper commentator.] A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. I'm A. Whitney Brown. Someday I hope to be the Whitney Brown. ... Fifteen years ago tonight, I was an apathetic vagabond picking up cigarette butts on the streets of Flagstaff. But I wasn't a bum. I was an idea man focused on the absorbing subject of the universe in toto -- something I like to call "The Big Picture." And it's paid off. Today, I have three people picking up cigarette butts for me. ... But, you know, the problem today is that nobody seems to care about the things they can't do anything about. And, of course, you don't get the Big Picture from the news media, either. Take this big brouhaha in Haiti. You really gotta hand it to the Haitian people. They've finally proven to the world that nobody can oppress them for more than twenty-nine years at a time. ... Of course, just when you think the news media can help you understand the world, they run another story on the Iran-Iraq war. Who's the good guy here? Nobody even knows why they're fighting. Near as I can tell, it's because their names sound too much alike. ... Iran wants Iraq to change its name to "Boot-Licking Lackey of the Degenerate She-Devil." ... [applause] Actually, the whole thing started over a property claim that's twenty-five hundred years old. Which has to leave you wondering about the speed of Islamic bureaucracy. ... I mean, how did that issue suddenly pop up in conversation? "You know, Omar, that - that Persian land grab back in 500 B.C.'s really starting to stick in my craw. ... Get the gun." Of course, we're still left with the problem of who to root for in this miserable little war. And I'm sure some vindictive Americans would love to see the Ayatollah dangling from a lamp post in Baghdad. But my guess is that those people really don't know much about the other sheriff in town, Iraqi dictator Saddam al-Hussein. Even the moderate Arab states are afraid of this guy. A moderate Arab, of course, being one who only holds a grudge for eight generations. ... If you recall, he's the man who tried to build himself a nuclear bomb -- which, in Iraq's case would be like a termite having a chain saw. ... Trying to pick a good guy from this bag o' snakes makes me feel -- real stupid. So, for an answer, I asked myself, "What would those wretched bums in Flagstaff have thought?" I think they would've taken a swig of Bali Hai, burped, and said, "Kid, you're an American -- bet on the winner." And that's the Big Picture for tonight. Thank you. [applause] Dennis Miller: Whitney! [shakes Whitney's hand] A. Whitney Brown: Yes. Thank you. Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown, ladies and gentlemen! Whitney Brown. And, you know, this just in, Whitney, the nations of Iraq and Iran merged today to form a new nation, "Iraq-an" [pronounced "I rock on."] and ... appointed Dick Clark spiritual leader. ... You know, I'm just fascinated by that USA Today weather map. ... [Photo of Britain's Princess Diana and her son who resembles the kid from The Omen movie series] One final story. Princess Diana revealed that her eldest son is actually Damien, the child of Satan. ... [Photo of Diana's big-eared husband Prince Charles] Unbeknownst to Prince Charles who was in Dallas attending the Texas sesquicentennial where he wowed 'em with his opening one-liner: "I just flew in from London and, boy, are my ears tired." ... [applause] Hey, that's the news! I am out o' here! Good night, ladies and gentlemen! [Cheers, applause and burst of music as we fade out.] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts