85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
... Dennis Miller
... A. Whitney Brown
... The Weekend Update Dancers
Music Intro: Henry Mancini's "Theme from Peter
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with
anchorperson Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much.
[lacking soul] R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means
[Photo of round-faced dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier]
The United States this week denied entry to former
Haitian president Jean-Claude Duvalier, currently
living in France. A spokesman for the State
Department, in a carefully worded statement, said:
[rapidly quoting old song lyric] "I don't want him,
you can have him, he's too fat for me." ...
[Photo of Philippine leader Ferdinand Marcos dressed
in white and flanked by two other Asian men also
dressed in white] In balloting done by the Hop Sing
Institute of Virginia City, Nevada, President Marcos
has been named Houseboy of the Year by that
prestigious organization. ... [scattered applause for
this reference to Victor Sen Yung's houseboy character
on the TV series "Bonanza" which was set in the
vicinity of Virginia City, Nevada]
Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, this
week, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning,
in the smartest move of the year, the distant
third-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought the
entire water supply of North America. ...
Walter Mondale finally resurfaced this week and said
he still can't believe how bad he got stomped. You
know, it's been over a year and I can't even remember
the final count but, when I went to bed, Reagan had
five hundred ninety-eight electoral votes -- Mondale
had three. [chuckles] You know, if you think about it,
that's only three more than I had -- I didn't even
run, you know? ... This guy spent forty
million dollars and I almost tied him. ... Talk about
not havin' a date for the prom, huh? ...
Geraldine Ferraro's son, John Zacarro, Jr., was busted
for cocaine possession yesterday at Vermont's
Middlebury College. [scattered applause - Dennis looks
up in surprise and ad libs:] I think the Board of
Regents is here. ... School psychiatrists said young
John had a deep-seated need to compete with his
father, John Zacarro, Sr. who ... last year pleaded
guilty to real estate fraud. ... [scattered applause]
Geraldine Ferraro, reached for a comment, said, "I
can't explain any of this but, you know, I'm sure glad
I kept my own last name." ...
Influenza's back in the news and the Center for
Disease Control in Atlanta has announced that this
year will see the most widespread flu epidemic since
1981. Now, to interpret this news story and its effect
on you, here's the James Brown hit single "Living in
America" and the Weekend Update Dancers, ladies and
[Song begins. Camera zooms back as Dennis pulls his
papers off the desk and retreats to make way for a
half-dozen shapely women in scanty black outfits who
dance onto the set -- three in front of the desk,
three on top of the desk. Lights flash on the set
while the dancers wave handkerchiefs and, as part of
the choreography, blow their noses, clutch their heads
and stomachs in pain, mime taking pills and going to
sleep, etc., before exiting. Applause.]
Dennis Miller: That's not exactly Scotty Reston
but, then again, have you ever seen his legs? ...
[mild reaction to Dennis' mention of New York
Times columnist James B. "Scotty" Reston]
Obviously, you've seen Scotty's legs a lot.
America's newest supership, the U.S.S. Yorktown, which
is capable of shooting down hundreds of targets at
once and can simultaneously track everything in the
Mediterranean that moves, smacked into a rock today
and sank. ... [applause]
[Photo of bald Russian dissident Anatoly Sharansky]
This is not the boat. This is Anatoly Sharansky and he
has been invited to visit New York by Mayor Ed Koch.
[Photo of bald Ed Koch] Both are said to be looking
forward to meeting, dining together -- [Side by side
photos of Koch and Sharansky] -- and having some
serious discussions about hair loss. ...
Newsweek magazine's cover story this week was
on Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker whom they
refer to as "the second most powerful man in America."
The most powerful man, of course, for obvious reasons,
is singer-actor John Davidson. [Photo of John Davidson
with a streak of white in his hair] ... [Dennis
chuckles and points to his own hair] What's with that
white thing, Johnny? Get a hold of that, okay?
[Photo of Ronald Reagan cupping a hand to his mouth
and yelling to someone] President Reagan entered a
hog-calling contest in Iowa last Thursday. ...
[applause] And you know what? He made Tip O'Neill run
all the way from Washington to Des Moines just so he
could win it. ... [Dennis apologizes to the overweight
Speaker of the House of Representatives] Sorry about
Contrary to long-held belief, anthropologists now say
that American Indians wasted literally every part of
the buffalo. The large fatty hump was used as a
doorstop, the hide was used for kites, and the horns
were used as fake buck teeth. ...
A new variation in the game of bridge -- in which the
cards are looked at briefly, then torn in half and
thrown in your opponent's face -- has been invented by
a poor sport in Boston. ... [weak reaction from crowd,
Dennis sighs] Wish he would have kept that invention
to himself. Well! ...
Dennis Miller: Here again, to untangle the
knotty strands of the world situation, is our senior
correspondent. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome A.
[Cheers and applause as we dolly over to the dapper
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. I'm A.
Whitney Brown. Someday I hope to be the Whitney
Fifteen years ago tonight, I was an apathetic vagabond
picking up cigarette butts on the streets of
Flagstaff. But I wasn't a bum. I was an idea man
focused on the absorbing subject of the universe in
toto -- something I like to call "The Big
Picture." And it's paid off. Today, I have three
people picking up cigarette butts for me. ...
But, you know, the problem today is that nobody seems
to care about the things they can't do anything about.
And, of course, you don't get the Big Picture from the
news media, either. Take this big brouhaha in Haiti.
You really gotta hand it to the Haitian people.
They've finally proven to the world that nobody can
oppress them for more than twenty-nine years at
a time. ...
Of course, just when you think the news media can help
you understand the world, they run another story on
the Iran-Iraq war. Who's the good guy here?
Nobody even knows why they're fighting. Near as I can
tell, it's because their names sound too much alike.
... Iran wants Iraq to change its name to
"Boot-Licking Lackey of the Degenerate She-Devil." ...
Actually, the whole thing started over a property
claim that's twenty-five hundred years old. Which has
to leave you wondering about the speed of Islamic
bureaucracy. ... I mean, how did that issue suddenly
pop up in conversation? "You know, Omar, that - that
Persian land grab back in 500 B.C.'s really starting
to stick in my craw. ... Get the gun."
Of course, we're still left with the problem of who to
root for in this miserable little war. And I'm sure
some vindictive Americans would love to see the
Ayatollah dangling from a lamp post in Baghdad. But my
guess is that those people really don't know much
about the other sheriff in town, Iraqi dictator Saddam
al-Hussein. Even the moderate Arab states are afraid
of this guy. A moderate Arab, of course, being one who
only holds a grudge for eight generations. ... If you
recall, he's the man who tried to build himself a
nuclear bomb -- which, in Iraq's case would be like a
termite having a chain saw. ... Trying to pick a good
guy from this bag o' snakes makes me feel -- real
stupid. So, for an answer, I asked myself, "What would
those wretched bums in Flagstaff have thought?" I
think they would've taken a swig of Bali Hai, burped,
and said, "Kid, you're an American -- bet on the
And that's the Big Picture for tonight. Thank you.
Dennis Miller: Whitney! [shakes Whitney's
A. Whitney Brown: Yes. Thank you.
Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown, ladies and
gentlemen! Whitney Brown. And, you know, this just in,
Whitney, the nations of Iraq and Iran merged today to
form a new nation, "Iraq-an" [pronounced "I rock on."]
and ... appointed Dick Clark spiritual leader.
You know, I'm just fascinated by that USA Today
weather map. ...
[Photo of Britain's Princess Diana and her son who
resembles the kid from The Omen movie series]
One final story. Princess Diana revealed that her
eldest son is actually Damien, the child of Satan. ...
[Photo of Diana's big-eared husband Prince Charles]
Unbeknownst to Prince Charles who was in Dallas
attending the Texas sesquicentennial where he wowed
'em with his opening one-liner: "I just flew in from
London and, boy, are my ears tired." ...
Hey, that's the news! I am out o' here! Good night,
ladies and gentlemen!
[Cheers, applause and burst of music as we fade