Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 14

85n: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson

Beat Her!

.....Oprah Winfrey
.....Lorne Michaels
.....Danitra Vance


[ LORNE MICHAELS stands outside a dressing room door with a star on it. Below the star, a placard reads 8H7 with the name OPRAH WINFREY. Lorne knocks on the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: OprahÖ

[ The door opens. Oprah walks through. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: They told me in wardrobe you havenít tried on your Aunt Jemima costume.

Oprah Winfrey: Thatís right.

Lorne Michaels: WellÖ donít you think you should try it on soon? Itís your first sketch.

Oprah Winfrey: Iím not doing it.

Lorne Michaels: Really? I think itís a very, very funny sketch.

[ Oprah places her hands on her hips. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Like I said, I donít do Aunt Jemima. And furthermore, Iím not doing the maid sketch. Iím not doing the Bríer Rabbit sketch. And you can just forget about me in the refrigerator repair sketch.

[ Oprah turns back to her dressing room and slams the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah! GeeÖ

[ DANITRA VANCE ambles in, dressed as Celie from The Color Purple, carrying a silver tray with a silver coffee pot and a single porcelain cup. ]

Danitra Vance: Hereís your coffee you wanted, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes the cup. ]

Lorne Michaels: Thanks, Danitra.

[ Lorne takes a sip. ]

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, youíre black?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes a moment. ]

Lorne Michaels: Maybe you could help me out?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: For some reason, Oprah wonít do anything I say.

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, what do you think I should do?

[ Danitra bites her lower lip and ponders for a moment. ]

Danitra Vance: Beat her!

[ Lorne gives a slight head nod and places the cup back on the tray. Danitra exits. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, open the door!

[ The door flies open. Oprah stands in the frame. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, youíre going to do the sketch or so help meÖ

[ Oprah slugs Lorne in the face then chokes him in a headlock. ]

Oprah Winfrey: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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