Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18







85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Hands Across America

Kevin Brennan.....Randy Quaid
Supporter #1.....Joan Cusack
Supporter #2.....Billy Martin
Supporter #3.....Danita Vance
Leader.....Nora Dunn
Supporter.....Robert Downey Jr.
Supporter.....Terry Sweeney

FADE IN:

[ PROMOTIONAL FOOTAGE from VOICES OF AMERICA'S "HANDS ACROSS AMERICA" MUSIC VIDEO ]

Chorus: [singing]
"Hands Across America
Hands across the land I love
Divided We Fall
United We Stand
Hands Across America"

[ EXT. TEXAS - DAY ]

[ SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN WEST TEXAS ]

Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold... don't stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!

[ The crowd cheers. ]

Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?

Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, "This nuclear madness has got to stop!"

Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless...

Supporter #2: Homeless?

Supporter #1: Yeah... this is to raise money for the homeless.

Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well... As long as I'm here, I'll stay.

[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]

Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?

Supporter #3: I'm sorry...

Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.

Supporter #1: We can't let go. I'm sorry but we can't let go.

Kevin Brennan: Don't you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?

Supporter #2: No.

Kevin Brennan: I'm Kevin Brennan -- the one-legged runner. Huh? I'm running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.

Supporter #3: No, I haven't. But I'm sorry, we can't break the chain -- this is Hands Across America.

Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?

Supporter #2: Yep.

Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?

Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.

Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!

Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can't!

Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you're telling me is - you're not gonna let me though?

Supporter #1: Pretty much... Yeah!

Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I'll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there's something I want to say to you people... Oh, golly... I forgot what I wanted to say... oh, yeah! "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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