Quiz Masters

Bill Franklin.....Phil Hartman
Marge Keister.....Jan Hooks
Lane Maxwell.....Dana Carvey

Announcer: It's time once again for America's most challenging game show - "Quiz Masters", with your host, "Big" Bill Franklin!

Bill Franklin: Thank you! Thanks a lot! Hey, do you like the new haircut? I went to Pat Sajak's barber, I thought it might help the ratings, who knows..? [ Lane Maxwell buzzes in ] Uh.. yeas?

Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: I'm sorry?

Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior! That's the answer to the first question!

Bill Franklin: Whoa, slow down, my friend! The game has not yet begun! First, let's meet our contestants! [ walks over ] Hello, what's your name, and what do you do?

Marge Keister: Hello! I'm Marge Keister, and I work for Crackerjacks, Inc.

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: [ throuh gritted teeth ] Sir, the game hasn't begun, okay? [ to Marge ] Crackerjacks, huh?

Marge Keister: Yes, sir, that's correct!

Bill Franklin: Say, could you people do something about the prizes? You know, the prizes used to be terrific, but lately all you get are little stickers of Care Bears!

Marge Keister: Oh, I'm sorry, you know, I don't work in that department..

Bill Franklin: Uh-uh! Better prizes! Am I right? [ rallies the audience ] Yeah! Of course, I'm right! Thank you! Now, Mr. Enthusiasm. What's your name, and what do you do?

Lane Maxwell: My name is Lane Maxwell. I'm a professional psychic.

Bill Franklin: Really? You mean, you can predict the future?

Lane Maxwell: That's correct. I'm the autohr of.. [ holds up book ] .."I Knew You Were Going To Buy This Book".

Bill Franklin: Well, that's terrific!

Lane Maxwell: When I was about 9.

Bill Franklin: When did you first realize you had this incredible power..? Oh! You already answered! That's very good!

Lane Maxwell: I wonder.. could I answer the first question now, please?

Bill Franklin: One second, Lane! [ returns to his podium ] Now, you both know the rules. For the first round, each question is worth $50. And our first question..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] That's correct! The question was: "What is the largest of the Great Lakes?" Alright! Very good! Our next question, and listen very carefully..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] 8!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct! The question was: "How many men on the Supreme Court?" Sort of a trick question - there are 9 members but only 8 are men. Okay..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] John Adams!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct!! The question was: "Name our second President?" So, our score: Lane, $150; the Crackerjack Lady, $0. Marge, are you trying?

Marge Keister: Yes, I am trying, Bill.. I don't think this is fair - he's a psychic..

Bill Franklin: Alright, alriight, alright.. Which beings us to the Ivy League ound, where each question is worth double. And the first question is.. [ Marge buzzes in ] Marge!

Marge Keister: [ thinking ] Uh..

Lane Maxwell: [ whispers ] Lee Iacocca.

Marge Keister: Lee Iacocca, Bill!

[ buzzer ]

Bill Franklin: No. Sorry. I'm sorry, Marge. Lane, the question goes to you.

Lane Maxwell: A meteor!

[ buzzer ]

Bill Franklin: No! no, no.. that's wrong. The question: "What is the largest continent?" And the answer, of course, was Asia. Asia. Okay. And the next question..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] A meteor!

Bill Franklin: No, sorry. Gee.. I'llask Marge. Who starred with Meryl Streep in "Kramer Vs. Kramer?"

Marge Keister: Ooh.. that's Dustin Hoffman!

Bill Franklin: That's right, for $100! Very good! Very good!

Lane Maxwell: That's very strange.. I distinctly saw a meteor.. My premonitions are never wrong!

Bill Franklin: Hmm.. well, there's a first time for everything! Marge is now on the board with $100! Now, it's tiem for our Final Jackpot Question, worth $500! The question is..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] I have to say meteor, Bill!

Bill Franklin: No.. sorry. no!

Lane Maxwell: I can't understand it, I.. I clearly see a grey, smouldering orb.. it's so vivid, it's so real!

Bill Franklin: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Well, nonetheless, the question goes to Marge! Marge, you answer this correctly, you'll have a total of $600, and win the game! Are you ready!

Marge Keister: Yes, I am, Bill!

Bill Franklin: Marge, can you name the first Book of the Bible?

Marge Keister: Ohh.. yes, I can, Bill! You see, I taught Sunday school for about seven years, and..

[ suddenly, a meteor crashs into the studio, landing on Marge and knocking her out cold ]

Bill Franklin: Judges? She's disqualified! Oh, boy.. So, Lane.. Lane Maxwell is our winner. Lane, I know this isn't the way you wanted to win..

Lane Maxwell: I don't mind!

Bill Franklin: Okay. Join us next time on "Quiz Masters", when we'll meet the opponent of Lane, okay!

Lane Maxwell: I'm gonna win, $750 to nothing!

Bill Franklin: Well, tune in anyway, just to see what I'm gonna wear, will ya!

Lane Maxwell: A light brown blazer!

Bill Franklin: Come on! Good night, everybody! [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts