Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 12: Episode 4





86d: Sam Kinison / Lou Reed

Sam Kinison's Monologue

.....Sam Kinison

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - Sam Kinison!

[ Sam Kinison proudly and triumphantly steps onto Home Base, lavishing in the audience's applause as the SNL band continues to play. KInison briefly plays air guitar, then motions toward the band before finally picking up a spare guitar and jamming side-by-side with G.E. Smith. The audience explodes into applause when they eventually finish their set. ]

Sam Kinison: What a band!! Let 'em hear it!!

[ the audience cheers and applauds louder ]

Sam Kinison: Owwww!!! Man, do you believe this, huh? [ laughs maniacally ] I'm back on "Saturday Night Live." [ audience cheers ] Can't believe it. NBC censors, I don't know, I guess they're on vacation. They said, "Sam, come on back. We won't be here. You can do whatever you want. You won't be hassled. Nobody will interfere with you. No one's gonna pressure you."

So I came back, folks, and it's the same, uh - the same attitude I've always had about comedy. I was here when they did the Libya thing. You know? The raid on Libya. I talked about the air raid, I said I was glad to be an American. When bombers came in, going, "Where's the BABY'S ROOM??!!!" [ imitates plane crash sounds ] When they had them uh - when they had the Russian disaster, there at the nuclear plant in Chernobyl, I said, you know, I said, "I think I speak for all Americans when I say: [ makes a maniacal, snide laugh at the Russians' expense ] "Better you than us!! Better you than us, Russkies!!!" Or when they needed an answer for world hunger, what did I do? I said, "Hey! Move to the FOOOOOODDD!! You live in a DESERT, MOVE to the FOOD!!"

So they said, "Sam, you're back now, there's no pressure. NBC is gonna allow you to come out here and say whatever you want, with no authority, no resistance, nobody watching you --"

[ as he says this, a pair of cops on horseback enter the studio and flank Kinison at Home Base. The audience cheers, as Kinison looks at the cops dumbfoundedly. ]

Sam Kinison: Well, I guess NBC has kept its word. [ speaking to one of the horses ] Well, I guess I won't be doing that prepared sketch on homosexuals, will I, Wilbur? [ to the audience ] Alright. Well, uh, we'll talk about my act later. We have a GREAT show for you - Lou Reed's RIGHT HERE, he's my special guest!! We'll be right BACK!!! Agggghhhhhhh!!!!!


SNL Transcripts