Reagan's Earpiece

President Ronald Reagan.....Robin Williams
Aide #1.....Kevin Nealon
Aide #2.....Phil Hartman
Reporter #1.....Dana Carvey
Reporter #2.....Victoria Jackson
Reporter #3.....Jan Hooks



[ open on interior, White House - Presidential Aides helping Ronald Reagan put in an earpiece ]

President Ronald Reagan: Uh.. Iran, Iraq.. stalagmite, stalactite..

Aide #1: Here you go, sir. You're all set for the press conference.

President Ronald Reagan: Are you sure they won't be able to see it at all? It feels just like my hearing aid!

Aide #2: Mr. President, about the radio transmitter - now, instead of briefing you thoroughly, as we usually do, which tends to tire and confuse you, we decided to use the receiver. If you're stumped for an answer, I'll talk into the mike, and it'll be transmitted directly into the receiver, and, so..

President Ronald Reagan: Whoa! Just like radio! [ Aides laugh ] Well, that's fine with me!

Speaker's Voice; [ from the Press Room ] Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!

President Ronald Reagan: Well, that's my cue, boys! You say Iran, I say Iraq - let's call the whole thing a deal! [ enters the Press Room singing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" ] Be seated. [ press sits, Reagan pauses ]

Aide #2: [ in the other room, tuned in on the transmitter ] My God.. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Press.."

President Ronald Reagan: Excuse me! [ exits Press Room, returns to his Aides ] I knew that! I was just taking a dramatic pause! I'm not stupid! Thank you. [ exits back to the Press Room ] Thank you - deja vu! Be seated. Ladies and gentlemen of the Press, I'm ready for your questions. [ hands start waving ] Milt?

Reporter #1: Mr. President, in light of recent events, do you feel the secret arms deal to Iran was a mistake?

President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I was expecting you to ask that. And I would like to answer that with a definitive.. uh..

Aide #2: [ in back room ] "No!"

President Ronald Reagan: No!

[ reporters start waving their hands - "Mr. President! Mr. President!" ]

Aide #2: Not him.. not him, either..

President Ronald Reagan: Not him, either.

Aide #2: Trudy!

President Ronald Reagan: Not you!

Aide #2: Trudy!

President Ronald Reagan: Eeeny-meeney-miney.. Trudy! Trudy!

Reporter #2: Mr. President, this may seem like a lob..

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I'm here to serve!

Reporter #2: What would you enjoy talking about?

President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I'm glad you asked that, Trudy, because.. [ his signal starts to pick up other frequencies, confusing him ] "1 Adam-12! 1 Adam-12!"

Aide #1: [ in back room ] We're getting interference, it sounds like a police report..

President Ronald Reagan: "Well, you know, 3, we have a 518 in progress, and the perpetrator's a burly male Negro, 5-feet 8-inches tall, 145 pounds."

Aide #2: Mr. President? We're getting some intereferece on that frequency - that was not me, that was a police report.

Reporter #2: Mr. President, I'm sorry, but what were you referring to?

President Ronald Reagan: Well, I'm, uh.. I'm, uh..

Aide #2: "I was just describing.."

President Ronald Reagan: "I was just describing.."

Aide #2: "..our new ambassador to South Africa."

President Ronald Reagan: "..our new ambassador to South Africa." [ more reporters start clamoring for questions ] Yes. Yes! [ points to Reporter #3 ]

Reporter #3: Mr. President, why don't you just admit the arms deal was a mistake?

President Ronald Reagan: Well.. I'm glad you asked that, because this is one that I'm ready for, because.. [ starts to lose his signal again ] .."Whoa! Kareem goes in on the inside! Passes to Magic! Swish! That's two points! Bango!"

Aide #2: Mr. President, we're going to try different frequencies. Until then, you may have to wing it.

President Ronald Reagan: "Well, you may have to wing it!" [ loses signal again ] What I'm trying to say, is the Ayatollah is a "swish!" And, wait a minute.. "back to our traffic helicopter out there on the Potomac, seems we're backed up all the way to the Bridge, Bob!" [ starts beating his chest to sound like a helicopter ] I don't know, I.. "I'm a rapper, a rapper! See me now, say, whoo-ah, whoo-ah, whoo-ah!" Whoa! Look out! [ repeats messages on a Spanish station ] "Yes, Dr. Ruth, I've always had this problem with premature.." [ switches signals again ] Wait a minute.. "Yes, it's an all non-stop Doors weekend - Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?" [ signal gives off a high-pitched squeal ] Wait! "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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