5th Annual Church Potluck Luncheon

Barb.....Jan Hooks
Church Lady.....Dana Carvey
Ginny Barton.....Victoria Jackson
Minister Bob.....Chevy Chase



[ open on interior, church cafeteria during 5th Annual Church Potluck Luncheon ]

Barb: [ drinking heavily already ] Well, congratulations, Enid, on another wonderful church potluck luncheon. It's just too bad that the rain had to keep everyone away from it, now isn't it?

Church Lady: Well, those absentees afraid of a little moisture will be praying for rain when they're burning in eternal hellfire!

Barb: Enid, I think that's God's decision, not yours.

Church Lady: Oh. Well, perhaps we'll find ourselves one day in a lake of fire! In a rowboat, with one oar, going, "I should have been nicer!"

[ Barb steps aside, as Ginny Barton enters ]

Ginny Barton: I'm sorry I'm late, Church Lady, but I had to drop off a dish to my boyfriend's invalid mother.

Church Lady: Well, apparently some of us show up when it's con-vee-nient!

Ginny Barton: No. I couldn't help it. I got tied up.

Church Lady: Well, isn't that special? Apparently, some of us need little accoutrements to help us perform our dirty little sex acts!

Ginny Barton: No! Church Lady, I had to hand-feed his mother Jell-O, because her arthritis was so bad..

Church Lady: Well, there's a pretty little picture. Us, in our clingy little dress and our red, sexual lips. Peter's poor mother calling out, "Feed me, Jenny, feed me!" And you saying, "Not now, Granny, I'm busy fornicating!"

Ginny Barton: No, Church Lady! It wasn't like that at all!

Church Lady: Well, I beg to differ. You probably just can't remember much, dear. Not much blood makes it up to our little brain when our tingly, naughty parts are engorged! [ changes subject ] Well, I'm glad we can put that topic behind us now. Let's look at your little luncheon dish.

Ginny Barton: [ holds up her small dish ] It's called Cherry Jell-O Jubilee.

Church Lady: [ mocking ] Cherry Jell-O Jubilee. Well, isn't that special? Oh, it's red! What a super color, red! You know whose favorite color red is? Let's see, let me think.. is it, um.. Little Red Riding Hood? No, that's not it.. Is it.. Nancy Reagan? No, that's not what I'm thinking of.. I'm stumped! Oh, wait a minute, Dodo-head, I know who I'm thinking of, that's right - SATAN!! [ picks up Jenny's small dish and compares it to the larger casserole she brought ] Well.. well.. isn't that just super? As you can see, I brought a 95-quart turkey casserole, that could feed the Lord's congregation.. and you bring a little tiny bowl of Jell-O. Well, I'm afraid my casserole's just a little bit superior to yours. Therefore, I do my little Superior Dance! Pearl?

[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady performs her Superior Dance; Minister Bob soon enters ]

Church Lady: Oh! Well, look, everybody! It's Minister Bob!

Minister Bob: Hello, everybody!

Everyone: Hi, Minister Bob!!

Minister Bob: Oh, my, my! Don't we look lovely today!

Everyone: Thank you, Minister Bob!!

Minister Bob: [ to Church Lady ] And, you, especially.

Church Lady: [ blushing ] You know what, Minister Bob? Satan hates you, because you're so good!

Minister Bob: [ chuckles ] And he can't stand your guts, either, Church Lady!

Church Lady: Oh, Minister Bob, you're just the cutest thing in pants! You're a super Minister Bob!

Minister Bob: Well, I try!

Church Lady: Others try. You do!

[ Barb re-enters the room, drunk as hell ]

Barb: Hey! Hey, Church Lady! You're so damn high and mighty, aren't ya', huh? But you know what I really think of your turkey casserole? It sucks!!

Minister Bob: Now, now, now! Now, just calm down!

[ Barb is pulled back ]

Church Lady: Oh, Barb's intoxicated in public! Isn't that special!

Minister Bob: Now, hold your horses, little one!

Barb: Oh, you butt out, Bob! This is between me and her! I've been waiting to get to her for twelve years!

Church Lady: [ ready to fight ] I wouldn't try it, Barb! I would tear you apart! Come on, I want to eat you!

Minister Bob: [ breaks them apart ] That's enough! Settle down now! Now, Barb?

Barb: What?

Minister Bob: I just want to calm you down a little, and I'm gonna tell you a little joke.

Barb: Alright, what?

Minister Bob: Knock-knock.

Barb: Who's there?

Minister Bob: Barb's large liver.

Barb: [ confused ] Barb's large liver who?

Minister Bob: I don't know, Barb. But I do know this: you're gonna have to answer to a higher power.

Church Lady: Oh. And who might that be?

Minister Bob: Ohhh.. I don't know.

Church Lady: Could it be..?

Minister Bob: Ohhh.. it's possible.

Church Lady: You mean?

Minister Bob: Yes, I think we're both talking about..

Church Lady & Minister Bob: SATAN!!

[ upset, Barb falls across the room and stumbles onto a nearby table ]

Church Lady: Well, it looks like we're just a little bit superior to others!

Minister Bob: It looks like it, doesn't it?

Church Lady: Yes. Well, you know what that is? It's special!

Minister Bob: Oh? Isn't that special?

Church Lady: Pearl!

[ Pearl plays the organ, as Church Lady and Minister Bob perform their Superior Dance to fade ]


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