Weekend Update with Dennis Miller & Chevy Chase

.....Dennis Miller
.....Chevy Chase
Tommy Flanagan.....Jon Lovitz



[ Music Open: "Theme From The Odd Couple" ]

Anouncer: And now, "Weekend Update", with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you very much, good evening. I'm Dennis Miller.

Chevy Chase: And I'm not! [ laughs ]

For a quick reminder of this week's sensational events, let's look at some current cover stories. Here's tomorrow's New York Times magazine: "What Went Wrong?"; this week's Newsweek asks: "Who Knew?"; U.S. News asks: "Who Else Knew?"; Time wants to know: "How Far Does It Go?"; Esquire asks: "What Are You Doing With the Rest of Your Life?"; and that popular tabloid, The Sun, wraps it all up with: "Girl Gives Birth to Vampire Baby". A full coverage, to say the least.

President Reagan raised eyebrows this week, when he pronounced fired lieutenant colonel Oliver North a "hero" for engineering the illegal funding of the Contras via Iran. This proclamation caused a domino effect, upgrading the status of presumed criminals everywhere. So, if you're keeping score at home, Sirhan Sirhan is now a Saint, John Wayne Gacy is now a National Treasure, Charles Manson is a Demigod - but he always knew that, and Gallagher's still a jerk. Sorry, Gallagher.


Dennis Miller: Chevy?

Chevy Chase: Thanks, Dennis.

In the wake of the Iran controversy, poll watchers have closely monitored the president's dropping popularity. The latest Weekend Update U.S. news poll has the President with only a 46% approval rating, a 20% drop since.. uh, here's a bulletin. Right now, it's down to 41%, and it seems to be.. uh-oh! Here's another one! [ laughs ] Down to 38%! Dennis?

Dennis Miller: Thanks, Chevy. Exciting story there.

You know, even as President Reagan continues to deny allegations that his administration is a puppet regime, he did announce plans for a new syndicated TV show - "Kukla, Iran & Ollie". And now it looks like Donald Regan will soon be the next sacrificial Lamb Chop.

Dennis Miller: Chevy?

Chevy Chase: [ laughing ]

Clint Eastwood's new war movie, "Heartbreak Ridge", opened this week, and it's about Grenada. Incidentally, at two hours, twenty-four minutes, the movie clocks in about three minutes longer than the actual invasion itself.

Chevy Chase: Here's some more of our Weekend Update U.S. news poll, on the President's approval rating. As you can see, the downward trend from 30 seconds ago seems to continuing, and.. whoa-oa-oa! [ approval rating now reads "27%" ] Look at that sucker go! It sure is something to watch, isn't it, Dennis?

Dennis Miller: I am stunned, Chevy!

Christmas approaches, and the question becomes what to buy the children in your life. Well, why not a See 'N Say? Remember this popular toy? You dial a specific animal, and you pull the string.. [ demonstrates with horse ] Cute, huh? But, you know, kids today crave up-to-the-minute toys, so here's the newest version of the See 'N Say - it's the Congressional Subpoena See 'N Say. We have Oliver North and John Poindexter and Regan - you know the guys. Let's see what Pointdexter says.. [ pulls string ]

See 'N Say: I refuse to answer, on the grounds that it might incriminate me.

Dennis Miller: And.. Oliver North? [ pulls string ]

See 'N Say: I refuse to answer, on the grounds that it might incriminate me.

Dennis Miller: And, you know, the crazy thing is, I must have pulled this thing about forty times, and it just kept saying the damn thing all the time!

Well, White House Spokesman Larry Speakes resigned this week. Insiders speculate that first in line to replace him is none other than the President of Pathological Liars Anonymous, Mr. Tommy Flanagan! Mr. Flanagan is here with us tonight. Care to comment, Tommy?

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. I'm not really first in line. no, I, uh.. why, I already have the job! Yeah! In fact, I've had it for months! Yeah, sure, I have! Of course, with Larry there, I stayed behind the scenes. Yeah. But, speaking of Speakes, I was speaking to him yesterday. Speakes said, "You're fired! Get out, get out!" Sure, he says he quit, but what do you expect him to say? He's a liar.

Now, about this Iranian deal. Well, it wasn't really a deal, you see.. it was a.. present! Yeah! The Ayatollah Bicentennial! Yeah, that's the ticket. He's 200 years old. Almost twice as old as the President. Yes. Oh, by the way, it wasn't weapons we sent to Iran. No, it was.. uh.. uh.. alright, it was weapons! But he didn't send cash to the contras, no, that would be illegal! No, he sent contraceptives to the condors. Yeah! Because there's too many of them! Why, they mate like there's no tomorrow! Yeah, just like his staff. Yeah, the whole thing was their fault.. except for me, of course. I was on vacation at the time, with my mistress.. uh.. Jeanne Kirkpatrick! And then my wife found out about it, uh.. Morgan Fairchild! Yeah. Why, she was so jealous, she cut off my, uh.. allowance! So, what could I do? Sell my gun collection to the Irans and get a job with the President? I'm taking the fifth. No, no! I'm taking all five, yeah that's the ticket!

Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan, thank you. Nice to see, Tommy. Chevy?

Chevy Chase: Sorry, am I late? Any mail for me?

Dennis Miller: None of it favorable!

Tomorrow, December 7th, is the 45th anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, which started the movie careers of John Wayne, Ward Bond, Van Johnson, William Bendix, Aldo Ray and Ronald Reagan. We'd like to thank the empire of Japan for creating these great stars, especially Aldo Ray, who I understand wanted to be President at one time.

Dennis Miller: Mmm-hmm.

Chevy Chase: Mmm-hmm.

Dennis Miller: Mmm-hmm.

Chevy Chase: Mmm-hmm.

Dennis Miller: How's that for witty banter between us, huh?

Chevy Chase: Why don't you take the next story, Dennis?

Dennis Miller: Okay, Chevy!

You know, Klaus von Bulow was sent home early from a New York hospital this week. The ailing von Bulow evidently angered hospital officials when he kept insisting on telling the anesthesiologist how to do his job.

Dennis Miller: Did you like that, Chevy?

Chevy Chase: Yeah. I like this one even better.

Dennis Miller: Okay. [ chortles ]

Chevy Chase: This is my favorite one.

Dennis Miller: This is the best one?

During his trip to Australia, Pope John Paul II kissed a small boy and turned him into a koala bear. John Paul said it was an accident, and the boy's parents are suing.

Dennis Miller: You see, you knew that one was going to be good, didn't you?

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Dennis!

The controversy over sex education in public schools continues. While many Americans are pro-sex education, fundamentalists still believe that too many sex education classes too early in life could possibly cause premature matriculation.

Dennis Miller: I smelled trouble there when I got up this morning!

In other news today, the White House denied a report that during an argument over the Iran scandal, President Reagan said to Nancy, "Get off my damn back!" when actually what he said was, "Put your head under my arm, and your left leg around my neck, and I'll show you what a full-nelson looks like."

Chevy Chase: Dennis?

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Chevy!

You know, the President's pained expression the other day was reportedly resolved in recurrance with a problem with his colon. That was confirmed the next morning by this Daily News headline which explains everything. [ "Ron Calls For Probe" ]

Dennis Miller: Chevy?

Due to an increasing lack of participation in the Thanksgiving holiday, the Department of the Interior has announced that it will be replaced next year by a new holiday - Thanks-taking. A spokesman for the department said, "We don't know what it is, but it tested very well."

Chevy Chase: Uh, let's take one more look at that updated poll on the President's popularity, and good news for the President - no appreciable loss from two minutes, forty-one seconds ago.. [ SUPER: "Now 26%" ] ..so perhaps the leveling off trend is, uh..

[ the approval rating quickly begins to decline, as Chevy and Dennis express their panic and dismay ]

[ SUPER: "This Very Instant 18%" ]

[ SUPER: "This Very Instant 9%" ]

[ SUPER: "This Very Instant 1%" ]

[ SUPER: "This Very Instant -12%" ]

[ SUPER: "This Very Instant -14%" ]

[ SUPER: "This Very Instant -46%" ]

Dennis Miller: I can't take it any more, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Boy, I'm pooped.

Dennis Miller: It hurts your eyes.

Chevy Chase: You're telling me. Good night, Chet.

Dennis Miller: Good night, Dave, and guess what, folks? That's the news, and we are outta here!


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