Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
[ Music Open: "Allelujah" ]
Anouncer: And now, "Weekend Update", with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if I go too fast.
The White house Christmas tree was lit this week. And just like last year, it's twice as old as the President and three times as bright.
And earlier this week, White House aide Pat Buchana, a former Nixon speech writer, was asked if he didn't feel the least bit sheepish about calling Lieutenant Oliver North a hero. Buchana said, "Hey, come on, I'm the guy who fed Nixon the 'I Am not A Crook' line."
Use of the Fifth Amendment in the current Iranscam crisis has highlighted once again Americans' long withstanding ignorance of their own bill of rights. According to a "Weekend Update" poll, a full 47% of all Americans think that the fifth amendment is "Though shalt not covet Thy neighbor's wife."
White House Chief-of-Staff Don Regan is increasing pressure on the Preesident to divorce the First Lady, Nancy reagan. Regan said that Mrs. Reagan has become a liability to the President, because the American people perceive her to be a cold dragon lady. Sources close to the White house say that actress Lee Remick is a favorite to replace the First Lady.
Bud McFarland sold the farm. C-I, C-I-A.
The FBI said this week that the wave of product tampering has now spread to clothing. The announcement was made after three cashmere sweaters were found to have been laced with steel wool.
Dennis Miller: Still no winner in this year's National Spelling Bee, which is happening right now in Washington, D.C. The final round began this morning and is still going on. We take you there now, live.
[ cut to Girl particpating in the Spelling Bee ]
Girl: Could you use it in a sentence, please?
Moderator: "The girls from the other high school looked really scaggy."
Girl: Um.. Scaggy. S-C-A-G-G-Y. Scaggy.
[ bell rings ]
[ next kid stands up ]
Boy: Could you use it in a sentence, please?
Moderator: "The native screamed 'Aieeeee' as he lunged with his knife."
Boy: Aieeeee! A-I-E-E-E-E-E-E. Aieeee!
[ buzzer sounds ]
[ back to Dennis in the studio ]
Dennis Miller: Come on, the kid choked. It's "I" before "E", and there's five E's in "Aieeeee".
Well, this Wednesday I attended a Christmas party at the White House for the Washington press corps. And I decided to take a lifesize cardboard cutout of myself, to see if the President would pose with it. You know, I made it through the front door of the White House before the guards got it. Here we are posing with the cutout. So the next day, we took a shot of my cutout in front of the White House. We ran into some really important cutouts, who were nice enough to pose with me. Then we got real loose, and started messing around a little. So, while I didn't get an actual photo of the President, I did come back with this - an embossed invitation to the White House.. this, the official White House Christmas scarf.. and, lastly, this C-K5 grenade launcher. And you know, when I asked the President what it costs to give these away, he said, "Just my credibility."
Dennis Miller: The United States has long criticized France for its policy of selling arms to terrorist nations. We've been referring to French as a "nation of whores." But now, in the wake of the Iranian Arms Scandal, many feel that the U.S. owes the French an apology. Here with advice on how we can repair our damaged relations with France is international sex kitten, Babette.
Babette: Thank you very much. You know, if America wants to win back the French, they must remember that France is like a woman. And when a woman has been betrayed, he must know how to handle her. The American must be gentle. He must call her. "Hello, darling? Forgive me, I've been a fool." And the French will say, "How dare you call me after calling me a whore!" And the American will say, "No, I'm the whore! I'm a hypocrite." And the French will say, "I know, now goodbye." And the American will say, "Wait, wait! What about the flowers I sent?" And we will say, "I spit on your flowers!" And you will say, "But I worship you - I adore you. You are an angel." And we will say, "Yes, that's true. But you called me a whore!" And he will say, "Your legs are those of a goddess. Your lips are like wine. Your skin is like fine silk." And I will say, "I must go." And he will say, "How can you turn away from a man who lives only to look at you?" And I will say, "I don't know.." "A man who thinks you are as priceless as any art in the Louvre, as mysterious as the Mona Lisa." And I will say, "Yes!" And you will say, "You are so sensual, you should be wrapped in diamonds, and I will bite them off your body one by one." And I will say, "Yes! Do that!" And he wil say, "I must have you." And I will say, "Yes, you must!" And I will say, "Call me a whore!" And he will say, "What?" "I said, 'Call me a whore!' Say it!" He will say, "Alright, you're a whore!" "Yes! I'm a whore! I'm a whore! Take me!"
Dennis Miller: [ lights Babette's waiting cigarette ] Babette! Babette! Are you alright? Are you alright?
Babette: I'm very hot right now!
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Babette, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
The Center For Disease Control has discovered a strong link between pencil shavings and cancer of the pancreas. Doctors say that anyone who has emptied the classroom pencil sharpener more than six times should prepare for death.
Mastercard - I'm bored.
Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania - turn off your TVs and get to bed. You all have a big conference tomorrow, so you'd better get some sleep.
In the wake of his recent TV special, "American Vice", Geraldo Rivera - who, by the way, is to journalism what Lieutenant William Calley was to thatched huts - revealed this week that he turned down an offer to spearhead the Iranscam investigation. When asked why he passed on the opportunity to get inside Ronald Reagan's mind, Rivera said, "Well, Capone's vault was empty, and I just can't have that happen again."
Rock and roller Jerry Lee Lewis checked himself out of the Betty Ford Center this week, complaining that they wanted him to get up at six a.m. and clean toilets. A spokesman for the clinic said, "We like to tailor the program to the individual, and since he's usually facedown in one at that time, we thought we'd give him a brush."
Well, somebody finally did something about those Citrus wine cooler ads.
Dennis Miller: I read the news today, oh boy. And, guess what, folks? That's the news, and I am out of here!