Get A Life!

Written by: Bob Odenkirk & Judd Apatow

Ears.....Jon Lovitz
Charlie.....Dana Carvey
Artie.....Kevin Nealon
Emcee.....Phil Hartman
.....William Shatner
Second Emcee.....A. Whitney Brown



[ open on an exterior shot of the "Holiday Inn" with a sign reading "Welcome Trekkers." ]

[ dissolve inside ]

[ A sign on the wall reads "16th Annual Star Trek Convention -- 1986" ]

Ears: Charlie! Check this out!

Charlie: [ wearing "I Grok Spock" t-shirt ] Oh, outstanding, man!

Ears: Original cast photo, right before they added Chekhov!

Charlie: Oh, how much was it?

Ears: Sixty dollars!

Charlie: Ohhh.... They got any left?

Loudspeaker: Attention Trekkers, now available in the Hamilton Room... copies of DeForest Kelley's single record, "He's Dead, Jim." Right now, in the Hamilton Room.

Artie: [ making the Vulcan "peace sign" ] Hey guys!

Charlie & Ears: Hey Artie!

Artie: How you guys doing on the trivia quiz?

Charlie: Aw, since you... hey, you got Khan's middle name?

Artie: [ smugly ] Noonian!

Charlie: Yeoman Rand's cabin number?

Artie: Y3-90!

[ Charlie and Ears snicker knowingly to each other. ]

Artie: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

[ more snickers ]

Emcee: Attention! Attention! Hello everybody! Welcome to Day 4 of the 16th Annual Star Trek Convention... Well! ...here in Rye, New York. A few announcements.... Ah... first... ah... a wonderful new... ah... item has just been added to the convention. It's a program from the 1975 convention!

Trekkies: Oooo! Ahhh!

Emcee: Yeah! It's a very special item, I'm sure you'll enjoy it, and it's ONLY... thirty dollars.
Secondly, we have some exciting guests at the convention today, so let me introduce them to you right now. First, we have the lovely actress Julie Cobb. Now you all remember her as Yeoman Leslie Thompson from the first ten minutes of Episode 51, "Errand of Mercy"... in which she was transformed into a cube... and crushed!
And next up is Pamela Denberg Doohan, the ex-wife of course of James "Scotty" Doohan, and ah... I understand life with the Enterprise's Chief Mechanical Officer *was* somewhat turbulent... kinda like living with a MUGATU!

Trekkies: [ geekie laughter ]

Emcee: Yeah! Well you'll all be able to meet Pamela in the Briar Wing where she'll be signing copies of her new book, "Beam Me Out Of Here"!
And finally, the man you've all been waiting for, this is his first Star Trek convention in quite a long time, I know he's thrilled to be here, Captain James Tiberius Kirk himself, WILLIAM SHATNER! [ Shatner walks to the podium. ] Now Bill's here to field a few questions so just fire away!

Trekkies: Mr. Shatner! Mr. Shatner!

William Shatner: Alright, the first question, uh, go ahead! Charlie: Yeah! Okay, um, when you were gonna beam down to the planet, okay, for the last time in Episode 25? I was wondering, like um, w-w-what was going on with the crew in that particular....

William Shatner: Uh... Episode 25?

Charlie: Yeah!

William Shatner: Um... you gotta give me a PLOT, see, cause it's 20 years and it's a long time... a PLOT... uh....

Charlie: Yeah, Episode 25, that's where you and the crew of the Enterprise get attacked by these spores? And started acting real weird, like hippies and stuff?

William Shatner: [ smiling ] Oh oh, yeah right, I remember, okay uh... what's the question?

Charlie: Well um, I was wondering if you could settle a bet for me and my friends, okay? Um, like, when you... um, left your quarters for the last time? And you opened up your safe? Um... what was the combination?

William Shatner: [ lengthy pause, incredulous expression ] I-I-I don't know! I mean, it's been a long time! I, uh... I don't know that! Uh, okay?

Charlie: [ disappointed ] Okay! Okay!

William Shatner: Anybody? Oh, all right, go ahead! You? Go ahead! You in the funny shirt!

Artie: [ wearing Kirk uniform ] Okay! Another bet... okay... on your horse farm... alright? How many saddle-bred horses do you have?

William Shatner: Uh... 34.

Artie: Wait, wait... is that including the colt that was born earlier this week?

William Shatner: [ stunned pause ] That mare had a foal?

Artie: Tuesday!

William Shatner: Well I... guess it's 35 then!

Artie: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! [ congratulated by his friends ]

William Shatner: You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!

[ a crowd of shocked and dismayed Trekkies.... ]

I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?

[ to "Ears" ] You, you must be almost 30... have you ever kissed a girl?

[ "Ears" hangs his head ]

I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch television! I LIVED! So... move out of your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it's just a TV show dammit, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW!

Charlie: Are- are you saying then that we should pay more attention to the movies?

William Shatner: NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!!! HEY, YOU GUYS ARE... THE LAMEST BUNCH... I'VE NEVER SEEN... [ walks away from podium ] I can't believe these people... I mean, I really can't understand what's....

[ Emcee argues with Shatner off-mike, shoves him, Shatner shoves back harder.... ]

Second Emcee: Uh... that was William Shatner, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Trekkers that we have some fine refreshments from all over the galaxy... Coke, Diet Coke, Bubble Up, Orange, I believe. We....

[ Meanwhile, Emcee waves the contract in front of Shatner, who then reluctantly returns to the podium.... ]

William Shatner: Of course, that speech was a "re-creation" of the "Evil Captain Kirk" from um... Episode, um... [ Emcee whispers ] THIRTY-SEVEN... uhh... called... [ another whisper ] "The Enemy Within."

[ Trekkies get happy, applaud ]

William Shatner: Yuh, Yuh, so thank you... and, and... Live Long and Prosper...

[ Trekkies make Vulcan "peace sign".... ]

William Shatner: So everybody... set your phasers on stun, cause... THIS CONVENTION'S AHEAD WARP FACTOR NINE, Y'KNOW? RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! WARP FACTOR NINE!

[ fade out ]


Thanks to Jay, Debbie and the Kids for this transcript!


SNL Transcripts

Click here for the Best Cable Promos