Girl-Crazy Obstetrician

Obstetrician.....Phil Hartman
Reporter.....Nora Dunn
Ted Carter.....Bill Murray
Janet Carter.....Victoria Jackson
Louise.....Jon Lovitz



[ open on Obstetrician's office - Reporter enters ]

Reporter: Dr. Hoffritz? Shelley Barnette, People Magazine.

Obstetrician: Come on in! Here, have a seat.

Reporter: Thank you.

Obstetrician: People Magazine. I don't know why anyone would want to read about me - I'm just a small-town family obstetrician.

Reporter: Well, my editors seem to think you have a very interesting story here. Now, I understand you've been working and practicing here in Radfield for 21 years.

Obstetrician: That's right.

Reporter: And you've delivered over 4,300 babies.

Obstetrician: That's right.

Reporter: And they've all been girls.

Obstetrician: That's right. They've all been girls!

Reporter: Well, you know, that's amazing! You know, my assistant back in New York actually calculated the odds of that happening. It's over 1 in 700 trillion.

Obstetrician: Oh, no kidding. Well.. the important thing is - knock on wood - they're all healthy and happy. I try to stay in touch with as many as I can. They're like my family. They're my little girls.

Reporter: It's like a miracle. Not one single boy.

Obstetrician: [ checks his watch ] Oh, my goodness.. [ into his intercom ] Louise? Would you send in the Carters, please? [ to the reporter ] I have an appointment - you're welcome to stay, if you want, and take some notes. [ the Carters enter ] Hello, Janet, Ted!

Janet Carter: Doctor!

Obstetrician: How's everything going?

Janet Carter: Oh, I'm doing alright.

Ted Carter: So far, so good. [ sits his wife down ]

Obstetrician: Well, this is Shelly Barnette, of People Magazine.

Ted Carter: Hello, Miss Barnette.

Janet Carter: Hi.

Obstetrician: They're doing an article on me, can you believe that?

Janet Carter: That doesn't surprise me. Doctor Hoffritz is the best!

Ted Carter: He delivered all seven of our daughters.

Obstetrician: Well, I have the results of your amniocentesis right here, and I've.. got some good news. Everything's fine, the baby's healthy.

Ted Carter: Dr. Hoffritz? Is it a boy?

Obstetrician: [ laughs ] Now, Ted, wouldn't you rather be surprised in the delivery room?

Ted Carter: [ thinking ] No, Doctor! I'd like to know..

Obstetrician: Well, no. It's a girl.

Ted Carter: [ slumps beside his wife's chair ] I love girls! [ weeps ]

Janet Carter: You see, Ted wants a boy. This is our eighth try.

Ted Carter: We'll try again.

Janet Carter: No. No more.

Ted Carter: Doctor, will this one need that operation?

Obstetrician: Yes, I'm afraid so.

Reporter: [ curious ] What operation is this, Doctor?

Obstetrician: Well.. every now and then, a little girl is born with a penis and testicles. And, of course, they have to be removed and reshaped.

Ted Carter: It's quite routine. Five of our seven daughters have had this operation.

Reporter: Doctor, what percent of the babies that you deliver need this operation?

Obstetrician: Oh, I'd say.. 48, 49.. 50, 51% - in that area!

[ Louise the Secretary - a manly-looking secretary at that - enters ]

Louise: Doctor, here's those reports you wanted.

Obstetrician: Oh, thank you, Louise! Louise here was one of the first babies I delivered. Louise had a big date last night. How did it go?

Louise: Oh, same old problem.

Obstetrician: Well, don't worry, Louise. Mr. Right's out there somewhere! Well.. Janet and Ted, I'll be seeing you next week?

Ted Carter: Thanks, Doctor.

Janet Carter: Bye, Doctor!

Obstetrician: Okay, bye bye.. Hey, Ted? Buck up. "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife; but a daughter is a daughter all of her life."

Ted Carter: God bless you and all of your work, Dr. Hoffritz! [ exits ]

Louise: Oh, Doctor.. I've gotta leave early today - my electrolosis appointment.

Obstetrician: Well, of course, Louise, anything you want.

Louise: Thank you, Doctor. [ exits ]

Obstetrician: Well! Another little girl! Can you believe it!

Reporter: [ bothered ] Dr. Hoffritz, can't you see what you're doing here? I mean, the 48-51% - they're not girls, they're little boys! You have mutilated over 2,000 little boys!

Obstetrician: No! No, they weren't boys. They were little girls.. trapped in little boys' bodies.. [ music sweeps over him ] You see.. boys are.. bad. They have bad thoughts! Sometimes they disobey their mothers.. they have to be punished! [ sniffles ] But what do their mothers know, anyway.. [ weeping ] They're out all night with "Uncle Rudy"! But he's not my uncle! Why does she call him my "uncle"..? [ falls to the floor, crying ]

Reporter: Thank you, Doctor, very much.. I think I have enough material for my story now.. [ runs out of the office ]

[ cut to photo of People Magazine with Dr. Hoffritz holding a baby "girl" on the cover ]

Announcer: This week in People, meet girl-crazy Dr. Jacob Hoffritz, the one in a trillion obstretrician whose favorite color just has to be pink! Only in People!

[ cut to Louise arm-in-arm with Martina Navratilova ]

And say hello to Martina Navaratilova's new travel companion.

People celebrates people.

[ fade to black ]


SNL Transcripts