Transatlantic Cab Ride

Passenger.....Jon Lovitz
Cabdriver.....John Lithgow
Cop.....Phil Hartman



[ open on Cabdriver reading the paper as Passenger enters his cab ]

Passenger: Hi. City Hall, please, as fast as you can.

Cabdriver: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Passenger: I'm getting married in nine minutes.

Cabdriver: You know, you could walk it. It's just down the block.

Passenger: No, it's City Hall San Francisco.

Cabdriver: San Francisco, California? That's 3,000 miles away!

Passenger: [ desperate ] I know, I know.. I've been at the airport all night, it's fogged in.

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, I sympathize with you.. but coast to coast in nine minutes, I don't know..

Passenger: There's an extra twenty in it for you.

Cabdriver: [ sighs ] Hang on.. [ starts the cab ] I could cut across Canal. It's a little out the way, but there might be less traffic.

Passenger: Okay, okay, try it.

[ Cabdriver speeds out into traffic, the scenery whizzing by faster than possible ]

Cabdriver: Ahh.. that's more like it!

Passenger: Hey, seven minutes left. Come on, can't you go any faster?

Cabdriver: Hey, pal, we're doing 950 miles an hour now! See? We're in Cincinnati already!

Passenger: Hey, I heard it's gonna rain in Cincinnati.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with rain pouring over it ]

[ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yeah. Yeah, right you are. [ yelling ] Hey, look out! Get outta the way! [ turns to Passenger ] Hey. Toll booth coming up - you got a quarter? Come on! [ throws the quarters out the window ] There's another one! Hurry up! Here's another one! Come on, here's another! Hurry up! Come on! you help me too, huh! [ they both throw quarters out the window ]

Passenger: [ checking his watch ] Six minutes left. Come on! Karen's gonna kill me. Go! Go!

Cabdriver: We'll make it! We'll make it! Look! We're already in Indiana!

Passenger: How can you tell?

Cabdriver: We're hitting bigger animals!

[ a cow flies across the hood of the cab ]

Passenger: Whoa!

Cabdriver: Hey! Come on, let's see what's on the radio!

[ radio station call letters are announced, but at various cities as they whiz past too quickly to pick up any one station for too long ]

[ siren can be heard from behind the cab ]

Cabdriver: Uh-oh. Cops! [ slows down ] Lemme do the talking. [ turns to the Cop standing outside ] Is there a problem, Officer?

Cop: A problem? Yeah, I'd say you gota problem! I just clocked you at 965 miles an hour!

Cabdriver: [ dumbfounded ] 965! That can't be right, everybody was paaing us!

Cop: Don't give me that! You melted my radar gun! [ holds it up ]

Cabdriver: Oh. My speedometer must be broken! It said 55, I swear..

Cop: [ not buying it ] Oh, yeah, right..

Passenger: Hey, Officer, it's my fault. I'm late for my marriage.

Cop: Well, why didn't you just say so? I-I-I almost missed my wedding, too. Alright, I'll let you off with a warning this time. But keep it under 600 before you get out of Colorado!

Cabdriver: Yes, sir!

Cop: Alright, go!

[ Cabdriver takes off again ]

Passenger: Hey, nice guy.

Cabdriver: Ah, most cops are pretty good guys when you get down to it.

Passenger: Hey, do you think we'll make it?

Cabdriver: Ah, sure, we're almost there now. Here come the Rockies.

[ long shot of cab toy is seen with snow falling on it ]

[ back to cab interior ]

Cabdriver: Yep, there go the Rockies. Interstate 12! Ahh.. [ slows down ] Here we are! City Hall! With time to spare! [ stops ] That's $1,310 on the meter.

Passenger: [ pays ] Here.

Cabdriver: [ fans the wad of bills to make sure ] That's right. And you said something about a twenty?

Passenger: Oh, alright. [ pays it ] Hey, I really appreciate it.

Cabdriver: Ah, don't mention it. I ws heading across town, anyway.

Passenger: [ panics upon reaching into his pocket ] Oh, shoot!

Cabdriver: What's the matter?

Passenger: Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! I forgot the wedding ring, and I know just where I left it, too, it's on my dresser!

Cabdriver: Hang on, we'll go back and get it.

Passenger: You don't mind?

Cabdriver: Ah, no problem. [ starts the cab ]

Passenger: You think we'll make it?

Cabdriver: Relax! I know a shortcut!

[ the cab speeds off onto the highways once again ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts