Garry Shandling's Monologue

.....Garry Shandling

Garry Shandling: Thanks a lot, it's great to be here, thanks! It's nice to see you, thanks for coming, and it's great to be here, I've always wanted to host "Saturday Night Live". You know, I grew up with the show, and.. well, sort of. In my twenties, I grew up with the show. And, uh, gee they've done comedy that always approached art, and, uh.. Well, alright - I'm just happy to be doing something on Saturday night, that's the truth!

And, I wasn't sure what kind of monologue I wanted to do, because, uh.. have you guys seen me do monologues before? [ audience gives light applause ] Yeah. And you're pretty thrilled about me doing another one, I can tell. And I really didn't know if I wanted to do a monologue.

And then I called my girlfriend. Actually, it's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up because we were having huge arguments over ho was the most disappointed. And I said to her, "Should I do a monologue?" And she said, "I can't take this kind of stuff any more," and got out of there. We were just approaching that stage where we were comfortable around each other in the relationship. You know that plae, where you start to be yourself? And she would blow her nose, and it made that honking sound. It grosses you out. And I got used to noise - it'ass when the geese hit the window. You know, "I can't take this any more." So, I got out of it. A pretty girl, actually. She was a stewardess for Federal Express.

So, uh.. but I met a new girl, who I started to ask about the monologue. I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Blonde, I think. I'm not sure, her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls - "I'm hot. I'm on fire!" You know. "Me, mem me!" You know. "Help me! Put me out!" Jesus. Some sort of Hollywood chick. And I said, "How about me?" So, we go out on a date, and we go dancing. And I'm sure you can tell just by looking at me you can tell I'm a great dancer. [ laughs ] So, the truth is, when I go to a disco or something, I actually picture the video of that song, and dance like they do in the video. Which means, you know, I gotta carry smoke bombs.. you know, I take a wind machine, it's a whole thing. But I said, "Should I do a monologue?" to this girl. And she said, "Well, I don't really care what you do." It was a weird date.

The weirdest date I ever had, I took a girl - this is the one I'll never forget - I took a girl to see "E.T." Right? So now, I take this girl to see "E.T.", we're in the theater, she couldn't let herself get into the fantasy of the movie. Right, so you know this one place where the bike with E.T. on it goes up across the moon? This girl yells, "I'm sure!" I'm going, "This isn't a documentary, honey, that's not real live footage up there." She must dream at night and go, "Right. I'll bet."

But I don't want you to think that I haven't been dating. In fact, just a few weeks ago I made love to a woman for an hour-and-a-half. And.. well, thank you. Well, it was on the day you put the clocks ahead, but that still counts. Well, you should know this about me. I'm not kinky sexually at all. Occasionally, I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine, but hey! We all have our own thing, you know? Maybe take a few fast ones, maybe hit a couple back.

So, now it's supposed to be real hip to express your needs in bed, which, boy, I'm just too shy to do, except over the phone to people I don't know! [ laughs ] Then I can go on forever, even through that loud whistle. So, I said, "Wow, I'm hosting 'Saturday Night Live', do I want to do a monologue? What kind of monologue?" And I couldn't decide if I wanted to do one, so I called my mom. My mom lives in Arizona. I was born in Chicago, raised in Arizona. I moved to Arizona when I was three years old because my brother had asthma. My mother said, "We gotta move, 'cause your brother has asthma." I said, "Gee, just vacuum!" Because every time someone slaps the couch, the kid has an attack, so.. And my mother actually taught me nothing about sex. I asked, "How do the chemicals mix?" She said, "Just look at the dogs in the front yard." So, to this day, I'm afraid I'm gonna be hosed down while I'm doing it.

So, I said, "Do I want to do a monologue?" She said, "I really don't care, son." So I didn't know what kind of monologue to do. So I called my dad. And my dad - I grew up with my dad as well. I actually learned to drive on my dad's lap, did anybody do this? Yeah, I used to sit on his lap and work the wheel, and he'd work the brake. And then I took the exam, and sat on the examiner's lap. And failed the exam. But he still writes to me, and that's the good part.

So, the final person I bounced this idea off - I've been looking for a house in L.A., and I'm thinking this week I've gotta do "Saturday Night Live", what kind of monologue do I want to do. I said to the realtor who showed me the house. Now, I've never bought a house before. She shows me a house, $350,000 on a hill, two bedrooms, she tells me it has a great view. For $350,000, I'd better pen up the curtains and see breasts against the window. So, uh.. yeah, I don't want to see light for $350,000.

So, anyway, I think I may not actually do a monologue, is what I thought, and move on right to the sketches, how do you feel about that? Because this is really the reason that I wanted to be here, to do the sketches. So why don't we just get started with the sketches - wish me luck. I'm gonna go over to where I do my first sketch, and this will be great.

Look! Here I am on TV! God, look, there I am! Is that what I look like? Sorry. Come on, I think it's over here. Oh, look! This is the set where I'm gonna do my first sketch! God, I hope it goes great, because, you know, the first sketch is really a barometer for how well the show's gonna go. But I feel pretty good about this one, because this is a sketch where I return a sweater to the department store. Wait. There's a catch. I don't have the receipt! Is this gonna be great, or what! Alright, I gotta go get into character, and I'll see you in a minute. Have a good time.

[ exits stage, as cameras zoom into the first sketch ]

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