Department Store Sketch

Marge Keister.....Jan Hooks
Doug Clipper.....Garry Shandling
Mr. Dingle.....Phil Hartman

[ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]

Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger's, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ]

[ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]

Marge Keister: May I help you?

Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I'm Doug Clipper. And I'd like to return this sweater.

Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?

[ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]

Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don't!

Marge Keister: Well, now, I'm sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]

Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It's just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!

[ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who's trying to remain in character ]

Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn't you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?

Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got "Saturday Night Live". I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon's house. He's one of the cast members, he's gonna be on a little later. I can't wait to work with him, because he's a good friend -

[ Jan sticks to her character ]

Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!

Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.

[ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from "The Jack Benny Show" ]

Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!

Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how's it going?

Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!

Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I'd like to return.

Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn't have the receipt.

Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!

Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That's great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it's too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]

Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don't suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?

Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!

Mr. Dingle: We're sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!

Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they're not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don't I? You know -

Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!

Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?

Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!

Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can't dress themselves! It looks like they're home, going, "Honey, I can't get this on.. maybe I'll just tie it on, nobody will notice." I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don't know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn't it? I think it's the give and take that's so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.

Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger'sssss!!

Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!

Phil Hartman: [ groans ]

Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!

[ they exit ]

Garry Shandling: Well, we're off to a great start, don't you think? Okay, we'll be right back!

SNL Transcripts