Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1







87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans.....Dana Carvey
Franz.....Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to "Hans & Franz", the informative training program for the serious weighlifter.

Hans: Hello. Let us begin by introducing ourselves. I am Hans.

Franz: And I am Franz.

Together: And we want to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!

Franz: A little bit about ourselves: We come to the States from a small village of veightlifters in Austria.

Hans: Yeah, we hope to follow in our cousin's footsteps, the greatest bodybuilder in the history of the vorld, maybe you've heard of him:

Together: Arnold Schwartzenegger!

Hans: Alright, now let's get started. First of all, before you pump, you must warm up or else you'll hurt your muscles. Now, listen hear: we can't make you warm u, that's entirely up to you!

Franz: Yeah, that's right. And, hear me now, it's not our job to check up on you, either! So, you know, if you're not gonna do it, don't be jerking us around. All we want to do is..

Together: pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!

Franz: Okay, enough talk. Now is the time to go for the pump. Hans, will show you the proper way to lift the veight. Now, pay attention..

Hans: [ picking up the weight ] Yeah, pay attention, because we're not working for nothing here!

Franz: Yeah. Listen to me now, and believe me later: you know, if you don't think this matters, you know.. maybe we should take a belt to your buttocks muscle until it's all black and blue and swollen!

Hans: Alright, enough talk. All we want to do is..

Together: Pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!

Hans: Alright, let's move on with the program. Now, you might ask yourself, "Hans & Franz, where do you go once you pump the muscle?" Well, if you're not a crybaby, you enter yourself into the Mr. Universe competition.

Franz: Yeah, Hans, that's why it's important that you learn to pose and show off your pump. [ together, they pose and show off their pump ] You knoe, you know.. some of you might think this is fun and for sissies, so go ahead and laugh now, but let me tell you something my friend, we'll be the ones laughing later!

Hans: That's right! Here me now, and believe this later: if you want to play games with us, let me tell you now thing: "Let the games begin!"

Franz: Ya! Ya! Listen, maybe you don't understand English. Maybe the only time you understand is when you're pummelled and beaten with a fist full of pumped-up muscle!

Hans: Alright, enough talk! We're not here to cut you down, you know. We're here to..

Together: Pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!

Hans: Okay, back to the program. For those of you who are very serious about the program, you may be saying, "Hey, Hans & Franz, we can't get enough of the program, what else can we do?"

Franz: Well, Hans, they can send away for our home video right here, you know.. [ holds up video ] It's called "Pumping You Up".

Hans: That's right. It's only $9.95. Here's a quick look at what you get!

[ cut to preview of the tape, which is more of the same but with a different color workout suit ]

Video Hans: Believe me now, and hear me later: it is people like you that are smelly trash, and are pitiful!

Video Franz: Yeah, yeah! Believe me, my friend, when a pathetic loser walks into the room, they know. They know, because they can smell him!

Video Hans: Ya! Because he smells like a..

[ cut back to the real program ]

Hans: That's right! You just get out of our face, and have another bowl of Haagen-Daaz!

Franz: If you don't work out, someone's gonna grab you by your jockstrap and give you the wedgie of your life!

Hans: Ya! You fat, bloody pigs, you know that!

Franz: Ya!

Hans: We don't want you!

Franz: Ya! Get out of our face!

Hans: Ya! We don't need you!

Franz: People like you!

Hans: That's right..!

[ and so on, as the title appears, and the show fades to black ]


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