Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 1

87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Steve Martin's Monologue

.....Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Thank you very much, welcome to the show! It's great to be back here on "Saturday Night Live", on television once again. Because I've been doing films, and, as you know, on films there's a fine line between laughter and tears. in television, there's a fine line between laughter and two big, fat, greasy hippos rooting in a river bottom for grub. That's why I enjoy doing television.

It's been a great year for me - I have to admit, I got married. I feel great about it.. "Roxanne" came out, and people seem to like it.. I have a film opening in just a month, called "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, with John Candy, directed by john Hughes. I know what you're saying: "Doesn't John Hughes always work with these hip, young, with-it, good-looking actors?" Yes!

So, everything's going great, and we have a great show. All the regulars are back - none of them were fired. And we also have a very special musical guest - Stingy. [ peers at cue card ] Sorry. That's, uh.. Sting! Who put the "Y" on there? There's gonna be technical problems tonight, because of the strike going on of technicians. That's the camera operators, the cue card people.. In fact, before I came out here, the producers said to me, "Now, Steve, when you do your monologue, please stand in one place and don't move around, whatever you do." I said, "Wait a minute. That's not Steve. That's not what Steve does. That's not what the audience wants to see." Because, basically, I'm known for two things: my songwriting, and my dancing. So, I'm gonna do my big dance number for you, and damn with the technical problems! So here it is, I little song I wrote, called "I Bite Down Hard". The title doesn't really relate to the song - I just thought it was kind of romantic. Okay, let's hit it!

[ dances in place ]

"I'm gonna love while I live
I'm gonna live while I love
Laugh while I live and love, be above!"

[ dances stage left, out of camera view, then reappears from stage right ]
"'Cause I.. have.. got.. to.. da-a-a-ance!"
[ starts to tap dance, but can only be seen doing so from the waist up ]
[ can be heard tapping incredibly fast and furious ]
Oh, that hurts! Hey, slow it down!

[ starts swaying back and forth, so profusely that as he leans back his feet poke up from the bottom of the screen ]

We'll be right back! Thank you very much!

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