Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1







87a: Steve Martin / Sting

The Untouchables

President Ronald Reagan.....Phil Hartman
George Bush.....Dana Carvey
Robert Bork.....Jon Lovitz

[ open on interior, White Houe dining area, close-up of President Ronald Reagan ]

President Ronald Reagan: [ light chuckle ] I want to thank everyone for turning out for this old lame duck.

[ everyone laughs ]

President Ronald Reagan: You win some; you lose them. My friend, Judge Bork, knows what I mean!

[ everyone laughs ]

President Ronald Reagan: When he testified, Bob gave it everything he had. Nancy did ask that you shave the beard. [ chuckles ] But other than that, you did everything we asked - and more. I mean, Bob hung in there longer than many of us expected, or even.. wanted. [ laughs ] Bob, life goes on!

[ the attendees applaud ]

President Ronald Reagan: And when you get to be my age, a man is expected to have certain.. enthusiasms. Enthusiasms! What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is it that brings me joy?

[ various suggestions are murmured around the table: "Nancy! The children! The old movies!" ]

President Ronald Reagan: Baseball! [ holds up a bat ]

[ the attendees applaud ]

President Ronald Reagan: A man! A man stands alone at the plate! This is a time for, what? Individual achievement. Like when George Bush here leaves the country for weeks during an important confirmation process, so he can go overseas and look "presidential". [ chuckles, squeezes Bush's shoulder ]

George Bush: Ow! Ow, you're hurting my arm! Ow!

President Ronald Reagan: At the plate, a man stands alone. But in the field, what? Part.. of.. a.. team!

[ murmurs ]

George Bush: Teamwork, Mr. President!

President Ronald Reagan: If a man's team doesn't field, what is he?

George Bush: He's nothing, Mr. President, he's nothing!

President Ronald Reagan: You follow me! He's nothing. Noe, I can hit the ball the whole livelong day - Mike Schmidt, Don Mattingly, and so on.

[ attendees chuckle heartily, as Reagan looms over Bork with his bat firm in his hands ]

President Ronald Reagan: But I get nowhere unless the team wins! And when the ball's hit to you in the big game, when it's time for it to fall, when you boggle the ball and throw it away, and the manager wants you out of the game.. you've got to read the signals, and get.. off.. the diamond!

[ Reagan leans down and clubs Bork in the skull with the baseball bat ]

[ wide shot shows Bork laying across the table, a pool of blood forming beneath his face ]

George Bush: Judge Bork! Are you okay!

[ Bork pulls his head off the table, unphased by the assault ]

Judge Robert Bork: It will take more than that to make me quit! "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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