Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1




87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Permission to Speak Freely

Captain.....Jon Lovitz
CPO Martin.....Steve Martin
Admiral.....Phil Hartman

[Ship's Captain Lovitz addresses CPO Martin]

Captain: Beautiful night, isn't it?

CPO Martin: Certainly is, Captain.

Captain: Not many people get to see a sunset from this vantage point.

CPO Martin: We're very lucky.

Captain: Chief Martin, may I ask you a question?

CPO Martin: Fire away, sir.

Captain: How would gauge the success of the voyage so far?

CPO Martin: (hesitating slightly) Well, I'd say we've done quite well.

Captain: No...really.

CPO Martin: Well...Permission to speak freely, sir.

Captain: Yes, by all means.

CPO Martin: (launching into a tirade) Why you fat dumb ignoramus, God, how I hate you! You make me want to puke with your flatulent breath and your 'I order you to do this' and 'I order you to do that'. Who do you think you are, you pusilanimous bag of wheat-gold goat manure! If I had a dollar, no if I had a nickle for every time...

Captain: All, that's enough! I meant about the voyage!

CPO Martin: Oh!

Admiral: (coming down ladder) What's going on here?! What's all this commotion? Come on, I want some answers!

Captain: Permission to speak freely, sir?

Admiral: Yes, go ahead.

Captain: Rot in hell, you great stinking shovel-full of dog barf! Who died and made you king, you fattuous swaining imbecile! If you had any brains in that thick troglydilic skull of yours, you'd still be a pathetic mush-pot!

(Cut to view of ship sailing. Bosun's whistle sounds, indicating an annoucement over the 1MC.)

Loudspeaker: Now hear this. Permission to speak freely has been recinded for the remainder of the voyage. That is all.


Submitted by: Chuck Modzinski


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