Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 4

87b: Sean Penn / L.L. Cool J, Michael Penn & The Pull

Sean Penn's Monologue

.....Sean Penn

Sean Penn: Thank you! Thank you!

Announcer: Attention, please: During tonight's performance, the taking of photographs is strictly prohibited.

Sean Penn: I'd like to thank L.L. Cool J for playing my lover in jail. But nothing like that ever happened in jail - not that I didn't have some opportunities. But I want to make that clear, because I think there's enough weird conceptions about me already. I guess that the biggest one is that, uh.. that I'm married to Madonna. I wish! And, uh.. the other is that I punch out photographers everywhere I go - yeah, in my dreams! I do, though, have a deep resentment against photographers, but there's a real good reason for that.

[ piano music plays ]

It goes back to when I was a kid in Hollywood, and a roving gang of celebrity photographers raided and burned our home. I must have been 4 or 5 at the time, but I still remember my father waking me and my brothers up and telling us, "Run from the house, and don't return until the celebrity photographers have gone." We lost everything in that fire. And I'll never forget the picture they splashed across the newspapers - "Malibu Family Flees Burning House". And, why? Because it was a slow news day. Maybe someday I'll forget that terrible night, and, if I do, that's the day you'll see my smiling face on the cover of the New York Post. Until then, you'll be seeing this: [ covers his face wih his jacket ]

We have a great show, so stick around. We've got L.L. Cool J, and the Pull. We'll be right back!

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