87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red
The Mountain Man
Mountain Man.....Dana Carvey
[ fade in on a panorama of the mountain wilderness ]
Announcer: There have been many trappers and hunters in these woods.
But none is manly as Rick "Peachfuzz" Parsons, the Mountain Man.
[ fade to inside a cabin, where the Mountain Man is cleaning his rifle by
the fireplace. Cut to the front door. ]
Rhonda: Here it is, honey - Mountain Man Tours. It'll be so much fun.
Sydney: [ whining ] I'm tired!
Rhonda: Oh, come on. [ knocks at the door. Cut to the inside. ]
Mountain Man: Come in!
Rhonda: [ enters ] Hello, are you the tour guide they call the
Mountain Man: Yeah, that's me.
Sydney: Hi, I'm Sydney Tacker. This is my wife, Rhonda.
Mountain Man: Yeah?
Rhonda: We heard about you, and we'd like to take that three-day hike
into the mountains.
Mountain Man: Yeah, you would, huh?
Sydney: You're a lot younger. I thought you'd be a lot bigger than that.
Mountain Man: [ points a flashlight at Sydney ] A baby cougar could
take your leg off with one swipe.
Sydney: I understand.
Mountain Man: Yeah, you should. Let me ask you a question: you ever been
to the mountains?
Sydney: Well no, actually, this is our first day.
Mountain Man: Well you know, these mountains can do funny things to a
Sydney: Yes, well I would imagine they could.
Mountain Man: Good response, Syd. Maybe I'll take you to the mountains
Rhonda: [ leaping for joy ] Yay!
Mountain Man: Shut up! I said "maybe." First you gotta
learn about mountain food. Mountain food, I love it. Slim jim tough rum beef
jerky, I love that crap. [ takes a piece of food out of his pocket ] This
here's a banana chip, compact, efficient, perfect food for the mountains.
Now, put it in your mouth. [ holds it up to Rhonda ] Put-it-in-your-mouth!
[ forces it in her mouth, where she keeps it ] Wrong! First rule of the
mountains: you don't put something in your mouth just because a man tells you
to. [ forces the food out ] Might make you sick. [ shoves it in his own mouth ]
Rhonda: See honey, I told you that.
Mountain Man: Shut up! You make me sick, you weekend campers with your
squash-melted Hershey bars and your six pack of Perrier water!
Sydney: Hey, it's not necessary to make fun of us.
Mountain Man: What do you know about essentials, you slipper boy?
Sydney: Look, I think we made a mistake. [ turns to leave ] Come on,
let's get going.
Rhonda: Oh honey, come on, it won't be that bad.
Mountain Man: Come on, Sydney, I'm sorry about that. You wanna come
to the mountains, don't you?
Sydney: Oh, I suppose.
Rhonda: Yeah, that's the spirit.
Mountain Man: You've got some set of ovaries, woman.
Rhonda: Thank you. Um, did you hunt all those animals? [ gestures to
the animals hanging on the mantle ]
Mountain Man: Oh, so you noticed. Yeah, I killed them. [ admires the
animal heads ] I think if they could talk, they'd thank me.
Mountain Man: Why not? [to Sydney] What about you, ya ever kill anything?
Sydney: No, I think killing animals for sport is wrong.
Mountain Man: So you wouldn't kill an animal. Ha!
Mountain Man: Yeah. Would you kill a moose that was molesting your wife?
Sydney: [ nervously ] Well, that would be different.
Mountain Man: Would it? I bet you have a teenie weenie peenie!
Sydney: [ stares down ] I'm very uncomfortable now. Goodbye. [ he and
Rhonda start to leave ]
Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. [ stops them ] I'm sorry,
no you're fine, you're fine. Listen, if you don't like the trip, I won't
charge you. Now I just got a few more questions and we can hit the
trail! [ slaps them on the backs ] Huh?
Rhonda: All right!
Mountain Man: All right.
Rhonda: Let's stay, Sydney.
Sydney: Oh, okay.
Mountain Man: Great, Sydney. [ picks up a heavy backpack ] You ever
been on a hundred-mile trip with a fifty-pound pack? [ throws the pack at
Sydney, who tries to catch it and falls down ]
Sydney: [ in pain ] No!
Mountain Man: Get up! Of course you haven't, squat sergeant. Ever
free-climbed a thousand-foot vertical cliff with sixty pounds of gear
strapped to your butt?
Sydney: [ uncomfortably ] No!
Mountain Man: 'Course you haven't, you fruit-whipped little geek!
Sydney: Hey wait a minute!
Mountain Man: Hey, you ever get a grizzly bear in a gridlock and ask
him to say "Uncle"?
Rhonda: No, did you?
Mountain Man: Yeah. Do you think I was scared?
Rhonda: No, I don't think you were scared.
Mountain Man: So scared I made a tiny poop in my Swiss hiking shorts.
[ to Sydney ] Did you ever strap yourself nude to a mountain top and threaten
yourself with a jackhammer?
Mountain Man: 'Course you haven't, you fruit-whipped little fairy!
Panty-waisted little geek! How about this, you ever dip your head in hot,
molten lava and just look around for a while?
Sydney: [ nervously, then confidently ] As a matter of fact, I have.
Mountain Man: You fool! You'd stick your head in a live volcano? I
cannot be responsible for your safety. I've got to turn you folks
down. Now get out!
Sydney: [ shocked ] You're turning us down?! We're turning
you down! We came up here to enjoy nature, not to be abused
by some sickomaniac!
Mountain Man: [ calmly ] You are a tiny man. It's many men like you
that make women turn lesbo.
Sydney: You can't prove that!
Rhonda: Wait honey, remember what happened to your first wife?
Sydney: Shut up! Come on, let's go! Let's get out of here! I've
had enough of this. [ he and Rhonda head for the door ]
Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
Sydney: You're a sick man!
Mountain Man: It's not me! [ Rhonda and Sydney leave the cabin and
slam the door ] It's not me - it's these damn mountains. They do funny things
to a man.
[ coyote howls - Mountain Man stares off into space as the set fades to black ]
Submitted by: Rob Holtman