87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

The Mountain Man

Mountain Man.....Dana Carvey
Rhonda.....Victoria Jackson
Sydney.....Jon Lovitz

[ fade in on a panorama of the mountain wilderness ]

Announcer: There have been many trappers and hunters in these woods. But none is manly as Rick "Peachfuzz" Parsons, the Mountain Man.

[ fade to inside a cabin, where the Mountain Man is cleaning his rifle by the fireplace. Cut to the front door. ]

Rhonda: Here it is, honey - Mountain Man Tours. It'll be so much fun.

Sydney: [ whining ] I'm tired!

Rhonda: Oh, come on. [ knocks at the door. Cut to the inside. ]

Mountain Man: Come in!

Rhonda: [ enters ] Hello, are you the tour guide they call the Mountain Man?

Mountain Man: Yeah, that's me.

Sydney: Hi, I'm Sydney Tacker. This is my wife, Rhonda.

Mountain Man: Yeah?

Rhonda: We heard about you, and we'd like to take that three-day hike into the mountains.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you would, huh?

Sydney: You're a lot younger. I thought you'd be a lot bigger than that.

Mountain Man: [ points a flashlight at Sydney ] A baby cougar could take your leg off with one swipe.

Sydney: I understand.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you should. Let me ask you a question: you ever been to the mountains?

Sydney: Well no, actually, this is our first day.

Mountain Man: Well you know, these mountains can do funny things to a man.

Sydney: Yes, well I would imagine they could.

Mountain Man: Good response, Syd. Maybe I'll take you to the mountains after all.

Rhonda: [ leaping for joy ] Yay!

Mountain Man: Shut up! I said "maybe." First you gotta learn about mountain food. Mountain food, I love it. Slim jim tough rum beef jerky, I love that crap. [ takes a piece of food out of his pocket ] This here's a banana chip, compact, efficient, perfect food for the mountains. Now, put it in your mouth. [ holds it up to Rhonda ] Put-it-in-your-mouth! [ forces it in her mouth, where she keeps it ] Wrong! First rule of the mountains: you don't put something in your mouth just because a man tells you to. [ forces the food out ] Might make you sick. [ shoves it in his own mouth ]

Rhonda: See honey, I told you that.

Mountain Man: Shut up! You make me sick, you weekend campers with your squash-melted Hershey bars and your six pack of Perrier water!

Sydney: Hey, it's not necessary to make fun of us.

Mountain Man: What do you know about essentials, you slipper boy?

Sydney: Look, I think we made a mistake. [ turns to leave ] Come on, let's get going.

Rhonda: Oh honey, come on, it won't be that bad.

Mountain Man: Come on, Sydney, I'm sorry about that. You wanna come to the mountains, don't you?

Sydney: Oh, I suppose.

Rhonda: Yeah, that's the spirit.

Mountain Man: You've got some set of ovaries, woman.

Rhonda: Thank you. Um, did you hunt all those animals? [ gestures to the animals hanging on the mantle ]

Mountain Man: Oh, so you noticed. Yeah, I killed them. [ admires the animal heads ] I think if they could talk, they'd thank me.

Rhonda: Why?

Mountain Man: Why not? [to Sydney] What about you, ya ever kill anything?

Sydney: No, I think killing animals for sport is wrong.

Mountain Man: So you wouldn't kill an animal. Ha!

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: Yeah. Would you kill a moose that was molesting your wife?

Sydney: [ nervously ] Well, that would be different.

Mountain Man: Would it? I bet you have a teenie weenie peenie!

Sydney: [ stares down ] I'm very uncomfortable now. Goodbye. [ he and Rhonda start to leave ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. [ stops them ] I'm sorry, no you're fine, you're fine. Listen, if you don't like the trip, I won't charge you. Now I just got a few more questions and we can hit the trail! [ slaps them on the backs ] Huh?

Rhonda: All right!

Mountain Man: All right.

Rhonda: Let's stay, Sydney.

Sydney: Oh, okay.

Mountain Man: Great, Sydney. [ picks up a heavy backpack ] You ever been on a hundred-mile trip with a fifty-pound pack? [ throws the pack at Sydney, who tries to catch it and falls down ]

Sydney: [ in pain ] No!

Mountain Man: Get up! Of course you haven't, squat sergeant. Ever free-climbed a thousand-foot vertical cliff with sixty pounds of gear strapped to your butt?

Sydney: [ uncomfortably ] No!

Mountain Man: 'Course you haven't, you fruit-whipped little geek!

Sydney: Hey wait a minute!

Mountain Man: Hey, you ever get a grizzly bear in a gridlock and ask him to say "Uncle"?

Rhonda: No, did you?

Mountain Man: Yeah. Do you think I was scared?

Rhonda: No, I don't think you were scared.

Mountain Man: So scared I made a tiny poop in my Swiss hiking shorts. [ to Sydney ] Did you ever strap yourself nude to a mountain top and threaten yourself with a jackhammer?

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: 'Course you haven't, you fruit-whipped little fairy! Panty-waisted little geek! How about this, you ever dip your head in hot, molten lava and just look around for a while?

Sydney: [ nervously, then confidently ] As a matter of fact, I have.

Mountain Man: You fool! You'd stick your head in a live volcano? I cannot be responsible for your safety. I've got to turn you folks down. Now get out!

Sydney: [ shocked ] You're turning us down?! We're turning you down! We came up here to enjoy nature, not to be abused by some sickomaniac!

Mountain Man: [ calmly ] You are a tiny man. It's many men like you that make women turn lesbo.

Sydney: You can't prove that!

Rhonda: Wait honey, remember what happened to your first wife?

Sydney: Shut up! Come on, let's go! Let's get out of here! I've had enough of this. [ he and Rhonda head for the door ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Sydney: You're a sick man!

Mountain Man: It's not me! [ Rhonda and Sydney leave the cabin and slam the door ] It's not me - it's these damn mountains. They do funny things to a man.

[ coyote howls - Mountain Man stares off into space as the set fades to black ]


Submitted by: Rob Holtman