Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Paul Simon's Monologue

.....Paul Simon
.....Sen. Paul Simon

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - Paul Simon!

[ Paul Simon, the musician, and Paul Simon, the Senator, both walk onto Center Stage ]

Paul Simon: You know, this is very embarassing.. and I was sure that they meant me!

Sen. Paul Simon: I just assumed they wanted me - Paul Simon, the Senator!

Paul Simon: Well.. it's a comedy show.. and it's a music show.. so, it's gotta be me, I mean who else?

Sen. Paul Simon: I guess. I just wish somebody had told me earlier. I've been rehearsing since Thursday here.

Paul Simon: It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in the shuffle.

Sen. Paul Simon: I understand. Like New Hampshire.

Paul Simon: Well.. it's just one of those things that can hpapen to anybody.. named Paul Simon.

Sen. Paul Simon: You wouldn't believe how many times this has happened to me!

Paul Simon: And to me. I remember one time I had shown up with my guitar at a Democratic Women's Convention in Audobon, Iowa.

Sen. Paul Simon: And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden? I'm up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen!

Paul Simon: You know, actually, I thought that you were very clearly the winner on that debate.

Sen. Paul Simon: Why, thank you, Paul. Thank you.

Paul Simon: Look, as long as you're here, why don't you, as they say, you know, kick back, relax, and just enjoy the show?

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I'd love to.. I gotta get up early tomorrow, you know.. to run for President.

Paul Simon: I understand. I just feel so bad that you came all this way..

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I do, too, frankly. I was supposed to be in Sioux Falls, South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner.

Paul Simon: You know, this is a live show. And something could happen to me, and then you could be right there.. you could be like the other Paul Simon..

Sen. Paul Simon: Sort of "a heartbeat away"?

Paul Simon: We've got a great show tonight, with my good friend Linda Ronstadt, so stick around!

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