87i: Robin Williams / James Taylor
Robin Williams' Monologue
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Robin
Robin Williams: [cheers and applause as Robin
runs in and dances energetically] Thank you! Thank
you! It's a privilege to be here in New York City
where its mayor-- Doesn't Mayor Koch sound a lot like
Elmer Fudd or am I crazy? ... [Elmer Fudd voice] Uhhh,
I'm tewwing you, hahahahahaha, there is no cowwuption!
Hahahaha! ... [normal voice] It's amazing, it's been
an amazing year. Gary Hart has thrown his hat back
into the political ring. Actually, more than that --
he's thrown everything into the ring. ... People look
at Gary and say, "Gary, you're a sinner!" No, he
wasn't a sinner. He was on a boat, the boat was
rockin', [rocking his hips back and forth] he went,
"Hey, what the hell?" ... [applause] Yes!
And, for as much as Gary has sinned, people in France
look at him and go, [French accent] "What? Did he
sleep with a chicken? No! ... What eez the beeg
problem there, huh?" If he gets elected, then--
They'll say [deep voice] "Now rise for the President
and his First Whatever." ... He walks out, there's the
First Lady goin', "All right!" [walks like a chicken]
... Pecking Raisia Gorbachev. [pecking like a
We also had an amazing fight last night -- Mike Tyson!
Yes, indeed! [cheers and applause] Michael! Mike Tyson
is a combination of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Michael
Jackson. ... Yes. [as Mike Tyson] "I'm just gonna hurt
him. His face was in the way, I was able to hit him."
Yes, he was there. But the funny thing about the fight
is, if you notice, in the corner, all the attendants
are wearing rubber gloves! Why is that? [hands on
hips, as a boxer] "It's for safe boxing!" ... People
going, like, [as a boxer] "Wait a minute, I'm not here
to make love with the man, I'm just gonna fight
with him!" Scary thing -- you think, "Wait a minute,
what's goin' on?" Is something going on in the clinch
that I don't know about? Are they gettin' together in
the clinch goin' [as a boxer in a clinch, to his
opponent] "Why haven't you called me?" [as the
referee] "Break!" [breaks the imaginary clinch, backs
It's the Eighties! People are a little afraid. That's
right. That's why everyone's wearing rubber gloves.
You go to your dentist -- he comes to the door dressed
in a wet suit going, [as dentist, with hands over his
face like diver's mask] "Welcome!" ... That's right.
You meet someone special, you say, [as a cautious
boyfriend] "Gosh, Helen, I care about you but -- can I
have some blood and urine so I can run some tests?"
... Right, you're going, "What am I gonna do?"
[points to man in crowd] Sir? Sir, do you have a
prophylactic on you right now? Do you? You have that
look like, "No, but I'll-- No, I don't, I had it
Scotchguarded." That's okay. ... And the one Jewish
guy is going, "No, I had it upholstered. I feel so
much safer! ... That way I don't get any stains." You
know what I'm talking about! ... You know what I'm
talking about when I say "prophylactic"? Yes! From the
Latin word "prophylactorum," meaning "strange party
favor" -- you know what I mean? ... Yes! Yes, it IS
the Bathing Cap of Love! ... Mmmm, people now go,
"Yes! Carry 'em around, friends!" Because, you know,
it comes along that time when you say you want to meet
Miss Right or, at least, Miss Right Now! ...
And there you are together and you say, "Yes! Yes!"
And I know you're going, "Mm, baby! Yes!" And you're
making love! And you go, "Hey, yes! Yes!" And you go,
"Wait a minute! Time out! Let's put on a balloon!" ...
No, no! You have to put it--! I know most men are
going, "Robin! I'm not putting that on! No! It takes
the sensitivity out! It's like tap dancing in diving
boots!" Okay! ... It can be done! And I know some men
go, [as a tough guy] "Listen to me, man! I'm not
puttin' somethin' on my Amazing Wonder Weasel makes it
look like a Hare Krishna!" ... [cheers and applause,
even from the SNL band] Put it on, baby! Put it on!
[to the band members] You know what I'm talking about!
[points to band members] Look at this here! Look at
that there! Even he's carrying a prophylactic
in his "safe sax," you know what I'm saying?! ... Yes,
indeed! 'Member in high school when you had the
prophylactic, you had 'em on-- [as high school boy
trying to get condom on before erection disappears]
"Ah! Oh! Too late, it's over. I'm sorry." ... You have
to have some sort of way of doing it, you know?
Because sometimes you feel like you've only got sixty
seconds. It's like, "Okay, here we go!" You feel like
the plate spinner on the Sullivan show. [mimes putting
on condom while fingering a woman] Like, "Okay, honey,
stay with me! Okay, stay--! Oh! Oh! Oh ho! Oh! Too
late! He's gooooone!" ... [sinks to the floor, as the
Wicked Witch of the West] "I'M MELTING! AHHHH! ... YOU
WERE TOO LATE! AHHHHH!" ... But you have choices. You
do. [cheers and applause]
Put it on! You can put it on! They're there for your
safety! You've got choices! You've got your plain or
your clear -- if you wanna have the glass bottom boat
tour, that's okay! ... And if you like barbecue, they
got prophylactic with ribs! You know what I'm saying!
... And if you like-- If you're in a party mood, they
have the prophylactic or the "fiesta" condom so you
can turn your penis into a piņata! ... There you are
-- beating it! If you hit-- She has a little stick!
She's beating you for prizes! You know what I'm
saying! ... Yes, indeed!
Because what it comes down to, friends, is: the
prophylactic is the feminist revenge for the
diaphragm! You know what I'm saying! ... Women know
what I'm saying! [cheers and applause] Women do! There
you are, you're going, [as a man] "Honey, I just can't
keep it on! I can't--!" They're going, [as skeptical
woman] "Right, right." And I know -- I know,
sometimes, a few men, some -- maybe like myself, I
have to admit it -- you put it on -- and it falls off.
Okay! ... Maybe you have to use that thing that they
tie off garbage bags and [mimes tying his condom on
with a garbage bag tie] keep it on there. ... It's
okay. That's what we're talking about.
Because WHY are you wearing this? Why are you wearing
this prophylactic? Is it eventually gonna be so scary
that it's gonna be, [as a man] "Helen? I'm in the air
lock now!" ... [as a woman] "Harry, leave the sperm in
a dish! I'll get it tomorrow!" ... It's like that.
There are things out there that are scary! You know
what I'm talking about! It used to be herpes. People
going, [frightened] "Herpes!" Now people are goin',
like, [casually] "I've got herpes simplex!" "I've got
herpes complex!" "I've got herpes duplex!" No! That
doesn't scare you any more! ...
No! These diseases have been out there for a long
time! If you look at the history of them, they've been
there for four thousand years! If you realize that
syphilis came from sheep four thousand years ago--!
Which makes you think four thousand years ago, there
was some shepherd that went, [as ancient shepherd, to
departing friends] "No, no. The rest of you go to
town, I'll be okay!" ... [applause] What? And all the
healthy sheep are goin' [as fleeing sheep] "I'm out o'
here, man!" You know? ... And there's one sheep going,
[coughs, points to himself] "Me?" [as the crazed
shepherd] "Yeah!" No! And some people think that AIDS
might have come from a monkey in central Africa
seventy years ago. Which makes you think that there
was some explorer, seventy years ago, went, [British
accent] "No, no. The rest of you go to town, I'll be
okay!" ... The scary thought is that, right now,
somewhere in the Midwest, there's some little farm boy
goin' [deranged Midwestern accent] "I'm just goin' to
go clean the chicken coop, Daddy!" ...
You've gotta realize that-- You've gotta realize that
it's out there! It's scary but, hey! What are ya left
with? If you don't go out there and do what you do,
what're ya gonna do? Gonna be at home alone? You're
gonna be at home alone, just sittin' there with your
X-rated movie. Yes, I know. People who do it, single
people are goin' "Yeah, Robin, I've rented Cycle
Sluts from Hell. Okay." ... But why - why do they
always have to be so BADLY ACTED?! Why? It's always
somebody going [unenthusiastic porn actor] "Oh, yes.
You know I want it. I've got it for you, baby." ...
And there's always some woman going [unenthusiastic
porn actress touching breasts] "Oh, these are for you.
Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes." ... She's bored! She
looks like she's just out of it! Why CAN'T THEY HAVE
[British accent] a classically trained Shakespearean
porno actor?! ... A combination of Sir Laurence and
Harry Reems! ... Then you'll have a movie! ...
Then, they'll come out and go, [enthusiastic
Shakespearean porn actor] "Elizabeth! I will part you
like the Red Sea! ... [cheers and applause] There we
go! For this, I do cry now: I shall make you more
moist than Manila in the monsoon season! ... I will
drive you thus and say WE HAVE ARRIVED! AND NOW, FOR
ENGLAND, CRY ANON!"
We have a great show! We got James Taylor! Stay right
around! [cheers and applause]