87i: Robin Williams / James Taylor

Robin Williams' Monologue

.....Robin Williams

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Robin Williams!

Robin Williams: [cheers and applause as Robin runs in and dances energetically] Thank you! Thank you! It's a privilege to be here in New York City where its mayor-- Doesn't Mayor Koch sound a lot like Elmer Fudd or am I crazy? ... [Elmer Fudd voice] Uhhh, I'm tewwing you, hahahahahaha, there is no cowwuption! Hahahaha! ... [normal voice] It's amazing, it's been an amazing year. Gary Hart has thrown his hat back into the political ring. Actually, more than that -- he's thrown everything into the ring. ... People look at Gary and say, "Gary, you're a sinner!" No, he wasn't a sinner. He was on a boat, the boat was rockin', [rocking his hips back and forth] he went, "Hey, what the hell?" ... [applause] Yes!

And, for as much as Gary has sinned, people in France look at him and go, [French accent] "What? Did he sleep with a chicken? No! ... What eez the beeg problem there, huh?" If he gets elected, then-- They'll say [deep voice] "Now rise for the President and his First Whatever." ... He walks out, there's the First Lady goin', "All right!" [walks like a chicken] ... Pecking Raisia Gorbachev. [pecking like a chicken]

We also had an amazing fight last night -- Mike Tyson! Yes, indeed! [cheers and applause] Michael! Mike Tyson is a combination of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Michael Jackson. ... Yes. [as Mike Tyson] "I'm just gonna hurt him. His face was in the way, I was able to hit him." Yes, he was there. But the funny thing about the fight is, if you notice, in the corner, all the attendants are wearing rubber gloves! Why is that? [hands on hips, as a boxer] "It's for safe boxing!" ... People going, like, [as a boxer] "Wait a minute, I'm not here to make love with the man, I'm just gonna fight with him!" Scary thing -- you think, "Wait a minute, what's goin' on?" Is something going on in the clinch that I don't know about? Are they gettin' together in the clinch goin' [as a boxer in a clinch, to his opponent] "Why haven't you called me?" [as the referee] "Break!" [breaks the imaginary clinch, backs away] ...

It's the Eighties! People are a little afraid. That's right. That's why everyone's wearing rubber gloves. You go to your dentist -- he comes to the door dressed in a wet suit going, [as dentist, with hands over his face like diver's mask] "Welcome!" ... That's right. You meet someone special, you say, [as a cautious boyfriend] "Gosh, Helen, I care about you but -- can I have some blood and urine so I can run some tests?" ... Right, you're going, "What am I gonna do?"

[points to man in crowd] Sir? Sir, do you have a prophylactic on you right now? Do you? You have that look like, "No, but I'll-- No, I don't, I had it Scotchguarded." That's okay. ... And the one Jewish guy is going, "No, I had it upholstered. I feel so much safer! ... That way I don't get any stains." You know what I'm talking about! ... You know what I'm talking about when I say "prophylactic"? Yes! From the Latin word "prophylactorum," meaning "strange party favor" -- you know what I mean? ... Yes! Yes, it IS the Bathing Cap of Love! ... Mmmm, people now go, "Yes! Carry 'em around, friends!" Because, you know, it comes along that time when you say you want to meet Miss Right or, at least, Miss Right Now! ... And there you are together and you say, "Yes! Yes!" And I know you're going, "Mm, baby! Yes!" And you're making love! And you go, "Hey, yes! Yes!" And you go, "Wait a minute! Time out! Let's put on a balloon!" ...

No, no! You have to put it--! I know most men are going, "Robin! I'm not putting that on! No! It takes the sensitivity out! It's like tap dancing in diving boots!" Okay! ... It can be done! And I know some men go, [as a tough guy] "Listen to me, man! I'm not puttin' somethin' on my Amazing Wonder Weasel makes it look like a Hare Krishna!" ... [cheers and applause, even from the SNL band] Put it on, baby! Put it on!

[to the band members] You know what I'm talking about! [points to band members] Look at this here! Look at that there! Even he's carrying a prophylactic in his "safe sax," you know what I'm saying?! ... Yes, indeed! 'Member in high school when you had the prophylactic, you had 'em on-- [as high school boy trying to get condom on before erection disappears] "Ah! Oh! Too late, it's over. I'm sorry." ... You have to have some sort of way of doing it, you know? Because sometimes you feel like you've only got sixty seconds. It's like, "Okay, here we go!" You feel like the plate spinner on the Sullivan show. [mimes putting on condom while fingering a woman] Like, "Okay, honey, stay with me! Okay, stay--! Oh! Oh! Oh ho! Oh! Too late! He's gooooone!" ... [sinks to the floor, as the Wicked Witch of the West] "I'M MELTING! AHHHH! ... YOU WERE TOO LATE! AHHHHH!" ... But you have choices. You do. [cheers and applause]

Put it on! You can put it on! They're there for your safety! You've got choices! You've got your plain or your clear -- if you wanna have the glass bottom boat tour, that's okay! ... And if you like barbecue, they got prophylactic with ribs! You know what I'm saying! ... And if you like-- If you're in a party mood, they have the prophylactic or the "fiesta" condom so you can turn your penis into a piņata! ... There you are -- beating it! If you hit-- She has a little stick! She's beating you for prizes! You know what I'm saying! ... Yes, indeed!

Because what it comes down to, friends, is: the prophylactic is the feminist revenge for the diaphragm! You know what I'm saying! ... Women know what I'm saying! [cheers and applause] Women do! There you are, you're going, [as a man] "Honey, I just can't keep it on! I can't--!" They're going, [as skeptical woman] "Right, right." And I know -- I know, sometimes, a few men, some -- maybe like myself, I have to admit it -- you put it on -- and it falls off. Okay! ... Maybe you have to use that thing that they tie off garbage bags and [mimes tying his condom on with a garbage bag tie] keep it on there. ... It's okay. That's what we're talking about.

Because WHY are you wearing this? Why are you wearing this prophylactic? Is it eventually gonna be so scary that it's gonna be, [as a man] "Helen? I'm in the air lock now!" ... [as a woman] "Harry, leave the sperm in a dish! I'll get it tomorrow!" ... It's like that. There are things out there that are scary! You know what I'm talking about! It used to be herpes. People going, [frightened] "Herpes!" Now people are goin', like, [casually] "I've got herpes simplex!" "I've got herpes complex!" "I've got herpes duplex!" No! That doesn't scare you any more! ...

No! These diseases have been out there for a long time! If you look at the history of them, they've been there for four thousand years! If you realize that syphilis came from sheep four thousand years ago--! Which makes you think four thousand years ago, there was some shepherd that went, [as ancient shepherd, to departing friends] "No, no. The rest of you go to town, I'll be okay!" ... [applause] What? And all the healthy sheep are goin' [as fleeing sheep] "I'm out o' here, man!" You know? ... And there's one sheep going, [coughs, points to himself] "Me?" [as the crazed shepherd] "Yeah!" No! And some people think that AIDS might have come from a monkey in central Africa seventy years ago. Which makes you think that there was some explorer, seventy years ago, went, [British accent] "No, no. The rest of you go to town, I'll be okay!" ... The scary thought is that, right now, somewhere in the Midwest, there's some little farm boy goin' [deranged Midwestern accent] "I'm just goin' to go clean the chicken coop, Daddy!" ...

You've gotta realize that-- You've gotta realize that it's out there! It's scary but, hey! What are ya left with? If you don't go out there and do what you do, what're ya gonna do? Gonna be at home alone? You're gonna be at home alone, just sittin' there with your X-rated movie. Yes, I know. People who do it, single people are goin' "Yeah, Robin, I've rented Cycle Sluts from Hell. Okay." ... But why - why do they always have to be so BADLY ACTED?! Why? It's always somebody going [unenthusiastic porn actor] "Oh, yes. You know I want it. I've got it for you, baby." ... And there's always some woman going [unenthusiastic porn actress touching breasts] "Oh, these are for you. Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes." ... She's bored! She looks like she's just out of it! Why CAN'T THEY HAVE [British accent] a classically trained Shakespearean porno actor?! ... A combination of Sir Laurence and Harry Reems! ... Then you'll have a movie! ... Then, they'll come out and go, [enthusiastic Shakespearean porn actor] "Elizabeth! I will part you like the Red Sea! ... [cheers and applause] There we go! For this, I do cry now: I shall make you more moist than Manila in the monsoon season! ... I will drive you thus and say WE HAVE ARRIVED! AND NOW, FOR ENGLAND, CRY ANON!"

We have a great show! We got James Taylor! Stay right around! [cheers and applause]


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