Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12






87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Bean Cafe

Cafe Owner.....Tom Hanks
Harry.....Jon Lovitz
Lonnie.....Phil Hartman
Bob's Wife.....Victoria Jackson
Bob.....Kevin Nealon
Cindy.....Nora Dunn
Keith.....Dana Carvey

[ the phone rings at the Bean Cafe ]

Cafe Owner: Bean Cafe. Yeah, that's right. Just beans, that's all we serve here. Well, we're open 24 hours. Okay, yeah, thanks for calling. [ hangs up phone and notices Harry at the table ] Hey, Harry, another bowl of beans?

Harry: Yeah. Hey, could you put cheese on it?

Cafe Owner: Sure. You want grated cheese, or do you want me to cut the cheese?

Harry: Yeah, go ahead, Ralph. Cut the cheese.

Cafe Owner: You got it. [ starts cutting a chunk of cheese for Harry ]

Lonnie: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph!

Cafe Owner: Hey, hey, Lonnie! Set you up with a bowl of beans?

Lonnie: Uh.. yeah, I think I'll try the pintos today. [ sniffs the air ] Alright, who did it?

Cafe Owner: What?

Lonnie: Who went and made my favorite pie again?

Cafe Owner: There's just no keeping a secret with you, is there, Lonnie Edwards? [ pulls out the freshly-baked pie ] Wendy made it up special for you. I'll tell you what - I'll warm it up.

Lonnie: Fantastic!

Cafe Owner: [ opens the oven ] Oh, damn..

Lonnie: What's the matter?

Cafe Owner: Well, the pilot light keeps going out on this oven.

Lonnie: Probably from all the wind you get blowing around here.. You really should get these windows caulked!

Cafe Owner: Yeah, I've been meaning to do that..

[ cut to a couple sitting at a table ]

Bob's Wife: Good beans, huh?

Bob: Yeah, the best!

Bob's Wife: You know what they say - "Beans, beans, good for the heart.."

Both: "Beans, beans, great for the heart!"

[ cut to Lonnie at the counter reading a newspaper ]

Lonnie: Hey, Harry, did you see this? The Army's thinking about developing a new gas bomb.

Harry: Yeah? They should come here.

Lonnie: What do you mean?

Harry: We could use the jobs. Then, maybe some of the teenagers wouldn't have to move away.

Lonnie: Yeah. Good point. [ walks back to the counter ]

Cindy: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph.

Cafe Owner: Oh, hey, Cindy! A bowl of beans?

Cindy: Oh, no, I'd better not. I'm going over to my in-laws later.

Cafe Owner: So?

Cindy: Well, you know what would happen if I had a big bowl of beans now. I wouldn't be hungry! We're gonna have dinner. Just give me a cup of coffee.

Cafe Owner: Coming up.

Cindy: Hi, Lonnie.

Lonnie: Hi. How are you, Cindy?

Cindy: Say, how come you guys aren't watching the big swim meet?

Lonnie: Oh, yeah! That local boy made the finals. What's his name?

Harry: Rip Loudon.

Lonnie: Yeah, that's it.

Cafe Owner: [ watching the TV screen ] Oh, geez.. last place already.. Lonnie: Well, you know what would have helped shott him through the water? A big bowl of beans! I mean, you see, complex carbohydrates give you that long-term energy that you need.

Cafe Owner: Absolutely. That's what I've been trying to tell people. It's much better for you than steak.

Harry: Ah, you know what they say - "Beans, beans, good for the heart.."

All: "Beans, beans, great for your heart!"

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the TV screen ] Well, this is boring. Let's see what else is on. [ flips channel to a spider documentary ]

TV Announcer: ..The Black Widow. Silent but deadly..

Cindy: You know what else is silent but deadly?

Lonnie: What?

Cindy: A scorpion.

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the couple's table ] Oh, gee! Hey, Bob! That's wet paint! [ runs over ]

Bob: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, geez.. I didn't even notice!

Cafe Owner: Didn't you see the sign?!

Bob: Did I get any on my pants?

Cafe Owner: Oh, let me see. Bend over. [ Bob bends over as the Cafe Owner peers in for a look ] I can't really see.. the lighting's not really good here. Let me get my lighter.. [ takes out a lighter and holds the flame close to the back of Bob's pants ] No.. I don't see anything.. That chair must have already been dry!

Bob: Boy, that was close, huh? [ sits back down ]

Keith: [ enters the cafe grimacing and sniffing ] Whoo-whee! Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: Hey, Keith. What's the matter?

Keith: Oh, uh, it's this hay fever acting up again. Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: A nice hot bowl of beans will fix you right up.

Keith: Whoo-whee!

[ fade out ]


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