Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Sentimental Pawn Shop

Pawn Shop Owner.....Phil Hartman
Woman.....Jan Hooks
Man.....Kevin Nealon
Second Woman.....Nora Dunn
Third Woman.....Victoria Jackson

Woman: Hello.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you.

Woman: Hi! Yes. I've never pawned anything before, but I have this item, and it's.. well, it's sentimental value..

Pawn Shop Owner: We pay full sentimental value.

Woman: Oh.. gosh, that's great! Okay. Well.. here it is. It's a moon, see?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ looking ] Hmm..

Woman: And those, they're not real diamonds, of course, but.. my boyfriend gave me that..

Pawn Shop Owner: I know - he said he'd give you the moon and the stars if he could, right?

Woman: Yes, he did!

Pawn Shop Owner: Did he give you the star earrings that go with this?

Woman: No.. no..

Pawn Shop Owner: Too bad. It's worth more as a set. [ thinking ] Are you still with him?

Woman: No. No, it didn't work out.

Pawn Shop Owner: Hmm.. that reduces the value, of course. Let me ask you this: do you think he really meant what he said at the time?

Woman: Oh.. yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. $65.

Woman: What?! Oh, that's great! I didn't think I would get that much!

Pawn Shop Owner: Hey, if he wrote you any good letters, I'll be happy to take a look at them.

Woman: Well, thank you!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay! [ she exits; Man enters ] Hi, what can I do for you?

Man: I'd like to pawn this item, it's a plastic piano.

Pawn Shop Owner: Who gave it to you?

Man: My parents. You see, when I was a boy, I loved the piano.. and I always wanted to be a concert pianist, and this was just a symbol of, you know, how much they believed in me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. so this is just a sad reminder of an unfulfilled dream, huh?

Man: Oh, no. I made it. I am a concert pianist. I play with the city symphony.

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohhh.. oh! So, this would be nice for you to keep forever?

Man: Oh, yeah!

Pawn Shop Owner: Your parents alive or dead?

Man: [ solemn ] My father passed away last summer.

Pawn Shop Owner: Mother?

Man: She's still alive. [ a beat ] She's not well.

Pawn Shop Owner: Look, I'll be honest with you. This'll be worth a lot more when she goes, believe me.

Man: [ silent ] Gee.. I really needed the money now, but, uh.. I guess you've got a point.

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, see, you would have to take less now, is the only thing.

Man: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well thanks, I'll come back.

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I'll be here!

Man: Thank you. [ exits ]

[ two ladies enter ]

Pawn Shop Owner: Hi, can I help you, ladies?

Second Woman: Oh, my friend here wants to pawn something, but I'd like to buy a bronze baby shoe.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. okay, sure. [ pulls out a basketful from underneath the counter ] Take a look through these, and see what you like. [ to Second Woman ] What can I do for you?

Third Woman: [ holds up toy plush dog ] Is this worth anything?

Pawn Shop Owner: Ohh.. let me see.. I'd say.. early marriage.. peace token bought at an all-night drugstore after he stormed out of the house after a quarrel?

Third Woman: You're so smart!

Pawn Shop Owner: No, just a properly trained connesuer. Was he your first fight? [ she nods her head ] Ah. Was it about something that seems incredibly silly and trivial to you now?

Third Woman: Mmm, no. It was another woman. But he gave me a Woofie, and he promised he'd never do it again.

Pawn Shop Owner: He didn't mend his ways, did he?

Third Woman: No. We basically have a marriage of convenience.

Pawn Shop Owner: I thought so. I can usually spot a fraudelent sentiment. I'm sorry, this little doggie isn't worth the fuzz that it's made out of..

Third Woman: But he was crying when he gave it to me.

Pawn Shop Owner: Cheap sentimentality. He might have been drunk, I don't know.

Second Woman: [ finished looking at the bronze baby shoes ] Oh.. I'll take this one.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh.. oh, I can give you a deal on that, this kid was adopted.

Second Woman: Oh, super! Do you have any old yearbooks?

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, you lose yours?

Second Woman: Yeah. I was '69. Any Catholic high school yearbook will do.

Pawn Shop Owner: Sure. In the back.

Second Woman: Oh, okay. And, uh.. what about those fraternity pins? I need one that's engraved "Judy".

Pawn Shop Owner: Uh.. in the back. Yeah, they're alphabetized back there.

Thank you. [ goes to the back room ]

Third Woman: Um.. just out of curiosity, what kind of items are worth the most?

Pawn Shop Owner: Well, the high end of this market is pretty stable. Anything from a child, a handmade items that took a lot of time and thought. Oh! The other day I had a lady come in, and she dropped off all her kids' drawings! They're selling like hotcakes!

Third Woman: Wow. Um.. thanks for the appraisal.

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, sure thing. Listen, come back sometime with an item that means something to you, and we'll do business.

Third Woman: Okay!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay. [ Second Woman returns ] Find anything you need?

Second Woman: Yeah. You want to ring things up for me?

Pawn Shop Owner: [ notices her finger ] Oh, whoa! Whoa! What is that on your finger, next to the diamond?

Second Woman: Oh, that's just a plastic gumball machine ring. Yeah, when Paul and I got married, we were so poor he gave this to me as a wedding ring.. of course, later he gave me the two-karat diamond, but..

Pawn Shop Owner: Oh, this one's exquisite!

Second Woman: Yeah.. I like to wear it, you know? We were.. so young then.

Pawn Shop Owner: Boy.. the piece is absolutely first-rate. Absolutely first-rate! I mean, we're talking.. over a thou! Yeah! Listen, promise if you ever want to pawn it, you'll come back here!

Second Woman: Alright, I will!

Pawn Shop Owner: Okay, I'd love to get my hands on that! [ phone rings ] Excuse me. Hello, Downtown Pawn! Pardon? Oh, your parents wedding album? And your grandmother's diary? Sure, I'll take them! Your father's ashes? Yeah, yeah! I can keep the store open another hour!

[ fade ]

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