Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Observational Stand-ups

Bob.....Jon Lovitz
Comedian #2.....Tom Hanks
Steve.....Dennis Miller
Jeff.....Dana Carvey

Comedian #2: So, Bob, how's he doing?

Bob: Hey, he's up for the portable condom bed.

Comedian #2: So, anyway, I'm flying back from the Coast after my "Hesson Brothers" gig.

Bob: Hey, how did it go?

Comedian #2: Oh, great, great. Anyway I'm sitting in coach and I'm thinking, "hey, whay do they call it coach?"

Bob: Hey, they don't have any coaches there.

Comedian #2: No way.

Bob: Hey, it's false advertising.

Comedian #2: Business class has business men. If I'm in coach I wanna meet Don Shula!

Bob: Hey, what happens if a coach sits in business class? Does he become a General Manager? I wanna know!

Comedian #2: Hey, it's Steve.

Bob: Hey, Steve!

Steve: How's everybody doin'?

Bob: Hey, great!

Steve: Hey, it's great to be here.

Comedian #2: So, Steve, babe, what's goin' on?

Steve: Well I just got back from eatin' Mexican and I'm thinking, hey, what's the deal with these refried beans? I mean, hey, why do they have to fry them twice?

Bob: Hey, you don't eat them twice.

Steve: Does that mean you get two checks? I mean my compliments to the chef, again.

Comedian #2: Excuse me, but with all this banter, I'm in a java state of mind. Anybody?

Bob: Hey, no thanks.

Steve: So, Bob, this refried beans thing...

Bob: Hey, you got more.

Steve: Yeah. Is the chef wearing bifocals, I wanna know.

Bob: And, hey, why are blind people always wearing sunglasses? I mean, hey, do deaf people wear ear muffs? I don't know about you but I gotta wonder.

Comedian #2: Hey, guys, what do you say to God when he sneezes? Just a side thought.

Bob: Hey.

Steve: Hey, and twice baked potatoes. Same deal!

Bob: Hey, Steve, let it go.

Comedian #2: So, Bob, I hear your girlfriend moved out.

Bob: Oh, yeah. Hey, couldn't make a commitment.

Comedian #2: Hey, that's too bad.

Steve: Sorry to hear it.

Bob: Yeah, well I'll never forget when she was moving out. I remember thinking, "hey, why do they call it moving out?"

Comedian #2: She's not gonna live outdoors.

Bob: No way. She's gonna go right into another building. And, hey, why do they call it a building?

Comedian #2: You never se anyone building it!

Steve: Hey, they should call it a built.

Comedian #2: Hey, why do they call it half-and-half? I mean, hey, what if it's only half full? Does that make it quarter-quarter?

Steve: And hey, the top half is cream and the bottom half milk, they should call it crilk.

Bob: No, they shouldn't.

Steve: Yes, they should.

Bob: No, they shouldn't. They should call it meam.

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Steve: Crilk!

Bob: Meam!

Comedian #2: Hey, hey. Guys, guys! I mean, hey! Hey, guys, No man is an island! And what about that Gilligan's island?

Bob: Hey, what do you mean?

Comedian #2: Where did the Howells get all these baskets of clothes? It was a 3-hour tour. A 3-hour tour! What are they gonna do change their outfits every 10 minutes? I have got to know!

Steve: Hey, Jeff, how did it go?

Jeff: Hey, hot crowd, I'm saying I really scored with my Gilligan's Island bit, yes.

Steve: Gilligan's Island bit?

Jeff: Oh, yeah, the whole 3 hour tour thing, yes indeed.

Bob: Hey, that's Bill's bit.

Jeff: Bill's bit?

Bob: Excuse me, I got a set to do. Hey, great minds think alike!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts