Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Girl-Watchers A Go-Go II

Girl Watcher #1.....Tom Hanks
Girl Watcher #2.....Jon Lovitz
Andy.....Kevin Nealon

[ open on the Girl Watchers standing in the hall during their 10th Year Class Reunion - a woman walks past ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah!

Girl Watcher #2: Yes, indeed!

Girl Watcher #1: 10th Year Reunion, a babe opportunity I've long awaited!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.. 106 ladies in their prime, and we've got a ringside seat!

Girl Watcher #1: You know it, my friend! The entrance to the ladies room is a perfect base of op-er-ation!

Girl Watcher #2: Well, well! [ points at woman approaching ]

Girl Watcher #1: Need I say more? Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] ..and goodbye.

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.

Girl Watcher #1: She saw nothingof value in me!

Girl Watcher #2: Just like old times!

[ they high-five ]

Girl Watcher #1: Yes, we were almost as unpopular then as we are now!

Girl Watcher #2: I hear you. Only now, we're older and uglier.

Girl Watcher #1: Yes, I seem to remember I was quite the non-entity!

Girl Watcher #2: And I was a pretty fair social leper myself!

Girl Watcher #1: [ spots woman walking out of the ladies room ] Your attention, please!

Girl Watcher #2: Bonjour!

[ she keeps walking ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah!

Girl Watcher #2: Didn't even break stride!

Girl Watcher #1: Her standards are not low enough.

Girl Watcher #2: No way. [ they high-five ] She caught the shine on my forehead, and just kept on truckin'.

Girl Watcher #1: I was there all along, backing you up with my big ol' head!

Girl Watcher #2: Mmm-hmm.

Together: [ spotting another woman ] Whoa!

Girl Watcher #1: It's Tracy Moore, the first girl ever to turn me down.
Girl Watcher #2: You never forget your first.

Girl Watcher #1: Yeah! I'll bet my life she doesn't remember us.

Girl Watcher #2: I'll see your life, and raise you my eternal soul!

Girl Watcher #1: O-kay! [ woman approaches them ] Howdy-do! [ she keeps walking ] ..and Howdy-don't!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yeah

Girl Watcher #1: I still haven't got it!

Girl Watcher #2: Me, neither. Mmm-mmm.. [ spots another woman ] Yow! Jessica Chase!

Girl Watcher #1: A girl I've never even spoken to.

Girl Watcher #2: She's a practicing lawyer, and we're still living at home.

Girl Watcher #1: I don't like our chances.

Girl Watcher #2: [ as she walks past ] It's been a while.. [ she keeps walking ] ..and it'll be a while.

Girl Watcher #1: Our bodies are starting to deteriorate, and it's only going to get worse.

Girl Watcher #2: Down we go!

[ they low-five ]

Andy: [ walking up, with a woman by his side ] Hey, fellas.

Girl Watcher #2: Hey, Andy!

Girl Watcher #1: Andy!

Girl Watcher #2: Where'd you get the girl?

Andy: Whoa, down, gentlemen! No cause for celebration. In addition to her bad looks, she's hard of hearing, emotionally unstable, and not the clean one.

Girl Watcher #1: Does she have a sister?

Andy: Trust me, fellas, there's no reason for envy.

Girl Watcher #2: No matter. You're still the luckiest guy we know, who'll talk to us.

[ Andy walks off ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes. We've sunk pretty far. And our descent continues. How I dread our future.

Girl Watcher #2: Mmm-hmm.

[ a woman walks up ]

Girl Watcher #1: Buenos dias!

[ she keeps walking ]

Together: ..and Buenos noches!

[ they high-five once more ]

[ fade out ]

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