Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 1

88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans.....Dana Carvey
Franz.....Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to "Hans & Franz", the informative training program for the serious weighlifter.

Together: Welcome! We're back!

Franz: That's right.

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..

Hans: And I am Franz..

Together: And we want to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!

Hans: Alright, tonight ve vould like to begin the program by clearing the air.

Franz: Ya, unfortunately, ve have to vaste valuable time talking about a nasty issue.

Together: Steroids!

Franz: You know, ve ourselves have even come under attack for using them.

Hans: Ya, but they are sadly mistaken, my friend. Because we are just like yogurt - all natural, no chemicals.

Franz: Ya, ya. But there is no fruit at the bottom of us, only muscle. That's right! And not just at the bottom but throughout, as if we were pre-stirred muscle yogurt.

Hans: Ya, that's right! Here's something you won't see in the dairy case of your local supermarket.

[ they flex their muscles ]

Franz: Listen to me now, and believe me later! You know, they are just jealous because they are losers, and they can't understand how we can be so pumped up with our washboard stomachs. You know, when they only have Sears frontloaders.

Hans: Ya! And, believe me, you know, we could go to the dry cleaner's and just as easily pick up our clean laundry without a claim check!

Franz: Alright, Hans, do not talk.

Hans: We're not here to talk.

Together: We're here to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!

Franz: But, you know, we can't do that yet! We must first clear the air. You know, the most unbelievable thing about the Olympics was the whole diving competition!

Hans: Ya, you know, they gave Greg Stuganis two gold medals just for making a puny splash.

Franz: Ya, they called him couragous, 'cause he hit his head on the board and got right back up to dive again with stitches!

Together: Oo-oo-oo-hhh!

Hans: What a hero.

Franz: What a man.

Hans: Ya, hear me now, and think about it sometime and play it again and again on your VCR. You know, if Franz and I ever hit our head on the board, the people would look up and say, "Where is the board?"

Franz: Ya! It would be toothpicks! Listen, Mr. Stuganis, we could very easily grab you by your G-string and wind it so tightly that when it snapps, your buttock muscles will go flying around the room like a balloon!

Hans: That's right, and we would just laugh, because our degree of difficulty would be 0.0!

Franz: Listen, another thing, Mr. "Tan Light Man", I can very easily see us getting a slow-motion salute from the Olympic committee, in recognition of our excellence!

Hans: That's right! You'd better get used to it, Mr. Stuganis, because it's going to look something..

[ they clap ]

Together: this!

[ a montage of Hans & Franz flexing their muscles and training is played ]

Announcer: And now, an up-close and personal look at Hans & Franz. Ya, ze Olympic Committee would like to salute Hans & Franz, and you know, if they were ever in the Olympic, they would win all the gold. Sank you, Hans & Franz.

[ montage ends ]

Hans: Take that! Take that, Mr. Stuganis!

Franz: Ya, and take this:

Together: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday.." [ they clap ] "..Night!"

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