Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1





88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Tom Hanks' Monologue

.....Tom Hanks
.....Nora Dunn
....Phil Hartman
Stagehand.....Conan O'Brien
NBC Page.....Bob Odenkirk
.....Keith Richards
.....Dennis Miller

Tom Hanks: Thank you. Thank you very much, thank you! Boy, you people must be getting real sick of me by now! It's unbelieveable.. I'm on TV all the time, there's this kind of junk.. [ holds up Newsweek with his picture on the cover ] I'm glad my movies have met with some success, but, geez, the things these interviewers and reporters are going on and on about me being such a "nice" guy! It makes me feel sort of silly. I mean, lsiten to this, this one thing in here.. [ opens magazine ] .."Look up Nice in the latest edition of Webster's Dictionary, you'll find a new definition - Tom Hanks." No, you won't! I looked it up, it's not there! Nobody gets this kind of press, it's embarrassing! Nobody can be that nice! I am just a regular guy, and here they are calling me the Nicest Guy in Hollywood. Well, if Im the nicest guy in Hollywood, you don't want to go there, believe me! But if you do, if you want to come up, I've got a spare bedroom, you can stay for the whole week.. Listen, we have a really great show, we have Keith Richard with us!

[ band plays, as Tom exits offstage ]

[ Nora Dunn is crying while reading a scrapbook ]

Tom Hanks: Hey, what's wrong, Nora? What's the matter, didn't you like my gift?

Nora Dunn: [ wiping her tears ] I did. It's just.. it's just so thoughtful.. I mean, you researched my whole family tree!

Tom Hanks: Oh, Nora, it was nothing! We were in Ireland, and I had a few extra days..

Nora Dunn: I know.. but you did all this calliography, and, I don't know..

Tom Hanks: Oh, Nora, I just hope that you enjoy it. Listen, I've got to go in the contorl room and wish everybody good luck. Have a great show! [ walks off ]

Nora Dunn: He's so nice! He's so nice!

[ [Tom Enters backstage, where Phil Hartman is yelling at the control board operators ]

Phil Hartman: No, no, no! Listen, we're on the air! The make-up is wrong, the wig doesn't fit..!

Tom Hanks: Hey, hey, Phil? What do you mean the wig doesn't look right? It looks great! The glasses fit, the wardrobe's fantastic, I wouldn't change a thing. Everything's gonna be alright.

Phil Hartman: I'm sorry I was so mad. Now all I feel is a sense of perfect peace..

Tom Hanks: [ walks through the control room ] Hey, everybody, let's have a great show, okay? Thanks for all your hard work! Audrey. Kiki. Linda. Tracy Sandy. Big Paul. Little Paul. Garland. Mike. Cubby. It's great seeing everybody - here's haveing a good show!

[ walks past a horse in the hall ]

Stagehand: Hey! Watch out, Mr. Hanks! This horse bites everyone!

Tom Hanks: [ pets horse on the nose ] Aw, no, he doesn't. He's a great horse! [ notices altercation in the hall ] Hey! NBC Page, what seems to be the problem?

NBC Page: Mr. Hanks, these people don't have tickets!

Tom Hanks: Aw, gee, fellas.. you want to see the show? I'll tell you what - my hotel room has a wide-screen TV. [ gives the Thugs the keys ] Why don't you just go over to Suites 1404 and 1405. The key's in the minibar, help yourself to some snacks.

Thug: Thanks. [ to NBC Page ] Hey, you wanna come to the party?

NBC Page: Sure!

[ they run down to the hall for the hotel suites ]

Tom Hanks: [ spots musical guest Keith Richards ] Oh, hey, Keith. Listen, we've got a problem. One of your horn players threw up in my dressing room. I think he's got the flu. I think one of us should check up on him.

Keith Richards: [ removes sunglasses and smiles ] Thanks, man. [ walks away ]

Tom Hanks: Hey, Dennis! Hey! "Weekend Update" really killed in dress rehearsal.

Dennis Miller: Thanks, Tito. You know, I like your monologue, too.

Tom Hanks: Thanks. You didn't think I came off as arrogant, or maybe too cocky?

Dennis Miller: No, not at all. You know, I was a little surprised, though, that you didn't thank the audience for coming.

Tom Hanks: Well, I hope this doesn't anger you, Dennis, but Idid thank the audience for coming.

Dennis Miller: No. I was watching, I don't think you did. Don't worry about it, it's not important!

[ close-up reveals a stunned expression on Tom's face ]

Tom Hanks: Dennis, would you excuse me for just a minute?

Dennis Miller: Sure.

Tom Hanks: [ runs back to Home Base ] I'm sorry, folks, but I forgot something really important. Thank you all for coming, each and every one of you. We'll be right back! Thank you, we've got a great show! [ points amongst the audience ] Now, thank you, Colin.. uh, that's your wife, Elizabeth, I believe, sorry.. Uh.. Dorothy, your husband Al, thank you for coming.. Lily.. thank you for coming, too..!

[ fade out ]


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