Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 1













88a: Tom Hanks / Keith Richards

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

.....Dennis Miller
.....Kevin Nealon
Sergei Akmudov.....Phil Hartman
Trainer.....A. Whitney Brown

Music Intro: "Simply Irresistable", Robert Palmer

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update" with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Because of Dan Quayle's refusal to directly answer many of the questions posed to him the other night, we at "Weekend Update" now refer to the confrontation as the Bentson & Hedges Debate.

According to an offical poll of "Weekend Update" viewers, concerning their reservations about Dan Quayle as Vice-President: 33% of our viewers said they feared his age and lack of experience, 46% said they are fearful of his lack of sincerity, and an overwhelming 94% said that they are incredibly frightened of his wife's hairdo.

You know, the last time I saw this haircut, it was making supper for Rob Petrie and Richie.

Insiders are saying that Chilean dictator Gustav Pinochet is blaming his defeat in Wednesday's nationwide referendum, on his running mate Daniel Dequayer. Chilean voters worried that Dequayer would not be brutal enough in the event he had to assume power. Dequayer, who is called El Pendexito - or, literally, "Little Pubic Hair" - says he's at least as brutal as Franco was when he took power. A spokesman for the opposition said, "Hey, I know Franco; I was tortured by Franco; he's no Franco."

The Supreme Court reconvened this week, and ruled that it is justifiable homicide to kill somebody who makes that quotes-sign thing with their fingers when they're talking to.

Dennis Miller: In response to what its sponsors claim is an idea whose time has come, the first All-Drug Olympics opened today in Bogota, Columbia. Athletes are allowed to take any substance whatsoever before, after, and even during the competition. So far, 115 world records have been shattered! We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon, live in Bogota for the Weightlifting Finals. Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Dennis, getting ready to lift now is Sergei Akmudov of the Soviet Union. His trainer has told me that he's taken antibolic steroids, Novacaine, Nyquil, Darvon, and some sort of fish paralyzer. Also, I believe he's had a few cocktails within the last hour or so. All of this is, of course, perfectly legal at the All-Drug Olympics, in fact it's encouraged. Akmudov is getting set now, he's going for a cleaning jerk of over 1500 pounds, which would triple the existing world record. That's an awful lot of weight, Dennis, and here he goes.

[ Kevin steps aside to reveal the steroid-bulked athlete bent over to lift the 1500 lbs. weight. Sergei tightens his grip on the barbells and pulls up, but instead of lifting the weights, his arms are pulled off and blood squirts ferociously out of his pulpy stubs.

Kevin Nealon: Oh! He pulled his arms off! He's pulled his arms off, that's gotta be disappointing to the big Russian! [ Sergei's trainer wraps a towel around him ] You know, you hate to see something like this happen, Dennis! He probably doesn't have that much pain right now, but I think tomorrow he's really gonna feel that, Dennis! Back to you!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Very nice form on the Russian. Canada, of course, is leading that competition.

After 67 shutout innings, Dodgers pitcher Orel Hershiser finally surrendered a run this week to the New York Mets. Hershiser was getting very close to the all-time record of not getting scored on, set by Brooke Shields from the age of 16 to.. well, what time is it, huh?

Yesterday, sunrise occurred at 6:42 Eastern Daylight Time, prompting Yankees coach George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.

The NBC "Today Show" and Olympic host Bryant Gumbel's ego applied for statehood today. If granted, it would become our nation's fifty-first state, and ninth largest.

Proctor & Gamble unveiled a new soap this week. Although it looks normal, the soap is actually hollow, which eliminates those little pieces that are always left at the end.

And the fifth grossing film in America this week is "Young Guns", the new film where everybody in it is Martin Sheen's son, but nobody has the same last name. There's a tight nuclear family, huh?

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That's the news, and I am outta here!


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