Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3





88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Restaurant Sex Talk

Bill.....Phil Hartman
Bob.....John Larroquette
Jackie.....Victoria Jackson
Cheryl.....Nora Dunn
Patron.....Tom Davis
Patron.....Andy Murphy

[ open on Bill and Bob sitting at a table for four at a classy restaurant ]

Bill: I think when the girls get back from the powder room, we'd better order.

Bob: Yes, yes. Listen, I'm really sorry Jackie and I were so late.

Bill: Oh, no problem. It's just that Cheryl and I thought something might have happened with the car.

Bob: Ah, it's not what happened with the car, it's what happened in the car!

Bill: I'm sorry?

Bob: Well, I don't know what Cheryl likes doing in the car, but Jackie really gets off on the danger! [ laughs ]

Bill: Good for you.

Jackie: Hi, fellas! We were just having a little girl talk. What were you guys chatting about?

Bill: Uh.. about what we should order.

Bob: Well, actually, we were just talking about why we were late!

Jackie: Oh, well, so were we!

Bob: Well, you see, what happened was, as I was getting in the car, Jackie got a shot of my derriere, and, well, she just couldn't help yourself!

Jackie: Me? I think someone got it backwards.

Bob: Well, I believe somebody did get it backward! [ laughs ]

Bill: Yes. Maybe we should just order.

Cheryl: Yes, I think I'm getting the Caeser salad and a blackened redfish.

Bill: I'm going with the scampi.

Jackie: Mmm.. sex makes me so hungry!

Bill: B-b-but, I can't believe you were able to get four house seats to "Phantom of the Opera".

Bob: Yeah, I got them from Ned Cheney, you know he handles all the pulic relations for the Shuman Theaters.

Cheryl: That's a handy person to know.

Bob: We stayed at his summer house in East Hampton last year.

Cheryl: Oh, how lovely.

Bob: Yeah, it's funny, though, we almost turned down the invite. We can't stay in the same house with another couple.

Jackie: We like to walk around in the nude.

Bob: And we're very loud, if you know what I mean! You know what, but it turned out he had a guest house.

Jackie: And a swimming pool! Oh, first day we were there -

Bob: This is a funny story! [ laughs ]

Jackie: First day we're there, wee're making it in the pool -

Bob: We turned around, and one of his kids is watching us.

Jackie: Now, this little boy is about four years old, and he thinks Bob is huirting me bvecaus -

Bob: Because Jackie's moaning so loud!

Jackie: [ laughing ] Anyway.. the whole weekend, the little boy followed me around trying to protect me from Bob. Isn't that cute?

Cheryl: Bill and I broke a bed once.

Bill: [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Bob: A bed, huh? Last week, we broke a sink!

Jackie: Hell! I broke a bed once masturbating!

Bob: Of course, I was watching!

Cheryl: Excuse me, I'm very happy that the two of you share an active sex life -

Bill: Honey..

Cheryl: No, no, I have something to say. Bill and I also have a very full sexual relationship. We make love with great frequency, and, I daresay, with a fair amount of variation, more so than you might imagine.

Bill: Honey, I think that -

Cheryl: Bill! But we do not feel the need to share Bill's prowess or my voice level with business associates or the general public at large!

Bob: I'm sorry. You're absolutely right. You see.. Jackie and I have been having a lot of.. problems.. lately. In fact, we've been, um.. seeing a couples therapist. He seems to think that we both have a great.. deal of difficulty with.. intimacy.

Jackie: It seems that the only way we're capable of expressing intimacy is through sex..

Cheryl: You don't have to explain.. I'm very sorry.

Bob: You see, we both grew up in homes where there was very ltitle.. display of affection, if any. Well, mine more than yours, really, though..

Jackie: [ breaks into tears, runs to the bathroom ]

Cheryl: Oh, God, I'm sorry.. I'm gonna go apologize to her right away..

Bob: No, no, no, that's alright, I'd better go talk to her.

Cheryl: I feel really stupid.

Bill: Well, honey, you said what you felt. I hope she's okay. Do you think we're going to go to the show?

Cheryl: Well, I guess that's not really that important now.

Bill: I guess not.

Waiter: Would you care to order now?

Cheryl: I think we should wait..

Bill: Yes. We're going to..

[ suddenly, we hear Bob and Jackie making sexual sounds from the bathroom ]

Bill: [ uncomfortable ] W-w-w-waiter! Waiter! The two of us!

[ fade ]


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