Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Gay Communist Gun Club

Bob.....Phil Hartman
John.....John Larroquette
Caller #1.....Dana Carvey
Caller #2.....Al Franken
Caller #3.....Jon Lovitz
Caller #4.....Tom Davis
Caller #5.....
Caller #6.....Jim Downey
Caller #7.....Jan Hooks

Bob: Hi, and welcome again to the "Gay Communist Gun Club", the organization dedicated to gayness..

John: ..Communism..

Bob: ..and guns. Let's get right to our first caller.

Caller #1: Uh.. I'm gay.. and I'm pretty liberal.. but I hate guns. Could I join the club?

Bob: No, I'm afraid not. You see, while we certainly support your gayness, without Communism..

John: ..and guns..

Bob:'s pretty meaningless. Next call, please.

Caller #2: Yeah, I love guns.. but I ain't no Commie, and I certainly ain't no homosexual. Could I join?

Bob: Sorry, no. We'd love to talk guns with you, but unless you took the next logical step of becoming gay and Communist, I don't see much chance. Do you?

John: No, not really. Next caller, please.

Caller #3: Uh, yeah.. I don't like guns, and I'm not gay.. but I'm just an ardent, ardent Communist. Could I be an associate member, or something?

Together: No-o-o-o!

Bob: You see, Communism without homosexuality is like.. I don't know.. a May Day parade without a feather boa.

John: Exactly. Next caller!

Caller #4: I have a two-part question - with a 12-gauge, do you prefer the Winchester or the Mossburg.. and, uh.. secondly, are you two lovers?

John: Personally, I like the Mossburg, it's a little heavier, has less recoil.. and, we aren't lovers, but we have had sex on regular occasions. Wouldn't you say, Bob?

Bob: Wellllll.. actually, I'm starting to lean toward the Winchester.

John: Next caller, please.

Caller #5: Yes. Was Marx gay?

John: Uh, I don't think so. I believe he was married with children.

Bob: But, so are you!

John: [ laughs ] That's true!

Bob: You're on the air.

Caller #6: Why shouldn't I just join the National Rifle Association, or the National Gay Alliance?

John: Well.. the NRA has certainly supported pro-gun legislation, but if you look at their record at promoting Communism or gayness, it's actually not that good.

Bob: And, I could be wrong on this - the National Gay Alliance has yet to sponsor one bare butt safari.

Caller #7: Yes, I'm gay, I'm Communist, I love guns, and I'm a staunch feminist,. Could I join?

John: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lady, you're all over the place! I think you should focus in on what you believe in, and then call us back. Wouldn't you agree?

Bob: Absolutely. Take us. We just believe in gayness..

John: ..Communism..

Bob: ..and guns. And that's it. Now, it's time for what I think everyone's been waiting for - our endorsement for President of the United States.

John: It was a tough choice, but we have decided to endorse.. George Bush.

Bob: Although he doesn't support all our positions, we feel that two out of three wasn't bad.

John: So, join us next week on the "Gay Communist Gun Club", when we'll be taking flowers from our communal garden, making different flower arrangements, and then blasting them apart with shotguns!

Bob: And don't forget to call in, we're always looking for new members, members who are gay..

John: ..Communist..

Bob: ..and love guns.

John: And remember - there is no god, but we think if there was, he'd be a gun-loving homosexual.

Bob: Bye bye!

[ fade ]

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