Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

This Old House

Bob Vila.....John Larroquette
Tom.....Kevin Nealon
Peggy.....Victoria Jackson

Bob Vila: Hi! Bob Vila here, and welcome to "This Old House". Today, we're going to be rehabilitating this beautiful 1865 Victorian farmhouse. It hasn't been lived in in 123 years, which presents a lot of problems for its new owners, Tom and Peggy McGinnis, who bought this house over a year ago. Tom, Peggy? Now, I noticed you already had trouble in the basement, because the house was built over a sacred Indian burial mound.

Tom: That's right, Bob. It's really grim down there.

Bob Vila: And we know that can cause problems all over the house - which brings us to today's topic: low-bearing walls that sweat blood.

Tom: Yeah. Bob, what causes that in these older houses?

Bob Vila: Well, this is an outside wall, so it could be loose siding, dry gutters, bad copper flashing.. or.. evil forces from beyond the grave that we just don't understand. Now, I noticed it says, "All Must Die". Does it always say that?

Tom: Uh.. well, sometimes it says, "This is the House of Death", or something like, "Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill!"

Peggy: We've tried everything - we've tried polyurethane, and sealer, and varnish.. but it still comes through.

Bob Vila: Well, that's probably because this is very old plaster. So, what we're going to do today is we're going to stud out from the wall with 2x4s, and put up a vapor barrier and insulation, okay? [ calls offscreen ] Jose, Luis? [ immigrant lackey enter with 2x4 frame ] Now, you remember what we said about vapor barrier, Tom?

Tom: Yeah.. keep the vapor barrier facing the blood side.

Bob Vila: Right, right!

[ a scream rings out ]

Now, you have a sound problem in this room, too, right, Tom?

Tom: Well, actually, that's coming from upstairs. Usually, it says something like.. [ demonic ] "Worship Lucifer! Knewel before the Prince of Darkness!" Other times, it screams incoherently, uh.. like, you know.. anything, anything. It is really irritating.

Peggy: Yeah, we'd really like to get it fixed by next month, because that's where we plan to put the nursery.

Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, I'm gonna be real honest with you - you can't completely eliminate a full-blown demonic rant. But.. I've used this in a few houses - it's a sound baffle from Owens-Mansfield. you install it in the ceiling between the rafters, and what you get is a more conversational sound, more like.. [ places sound baffle up to mouth and whispers ] "Worship Lucifer.. kneel before the Prince of Darkness.." [ lowers sound baffle ] But, getting back to this room, which is the family room, right?

Tom: Yeah. Well, we've got a real problem over here, Bob.

Bob Vila: Uh-huh, let's see.. [ walks over ] Oh, yeah, yeah.. you've got a big wall full of trapped souls.

Tom: No, no, no.. this is actually next summer's project. I'm talking about the floor right here.

Peggy: Yeah. What is this, Bob?

Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, this is a hellmouth. You don't want to leave this open, not with a baby in the house.

Tom: No. We've already lost one sleeper-sofa down there.

Bob Vila: Uh-huh.

Peggy: Is there any way to hide it?

Bob Vila: Well, no, there's no way to really hide a hellmouth. But what you can do is feature it. You know, make it part of the room, with an antique mantel, a focal point.. you can decide..

Peggy: Honey, the baby's kicking - look! [ stomach jumps out of control ]

[ noise sounds from upstairs, yelling, "Satan! Satan!" ]

Tom: Oh? Now, see, there's that noise I was talking about earlier.

Bob Vila: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Listen, don't you worry, we're going to install that sound baffle next week. Unfortunately, we're about out of time. But, we'll be back to show Tom and Peggy how to extract crypts from the cell wall without disturbing the foundation. Right, Tom?

[ Tom lurches forward and falls facedown on the table, numerous screwdrivers stabbed into his back ]

Well, Tom's dead! So, I guess I'll be seeing you next time on "This Old House". Bye bye!

[ dissolve to title card, fade out ]

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