Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 5









88e: Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka

One Man's Demons

Dan's Wife.....Demi Moore
Dan.....Phil Hartman
Demon #1.....Dana Carvey
Demon #2.....Jon Lovitz
Daughter.....Victoria Jackson
Dr. Gould.....Kevin Nealon

[ open on Dan and his Wife in his living room ]

Dan's Wife: Well, you're certainly quiet tonight.

Dan: I am? Don't mean to be. I'm just trying to finish this report.

Dan's Wife: [ struggling with file cabinet ] Oh, this thing! Dan, will you look at this?

Dan: What?

Dan's Wife: This drawer! Would you fix it? It's driving me crazy!

Dan: [ solemn, as the helpful demons pop into his head ]

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it!

Dan: [ get up to help ] Sure, sweetheart.. it's probably just slipped off the track! [ pulls it free ] Yes, that's all it was!

Dan's Wife: [ standing on chair reaching at shelf ] Oh, I wish you wouldn't pull my letters up here! They're so hard for me to reach!

Dan: [ summons his demons again ]

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Demon #2: Help her!

Demon #1: Kill her!

Dan: Be careful, honey! Let me help you.. [ grabs for her ]

Dan's Wife: Oh, well, thank you.. It's so nice to have a big strong man around! It could give a girl ideas!

Dan: [ demons to the rescue ]

Demon #1: Do it!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Do it later!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Do it later!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Brush your teeth!

Demon #2: Brush your teeth!

Dan: Well.. maybe we could have a little rendezvous.. say, around 11?

Dan's Wife: Oh, okay. [ changing subject ] Oh, honey, did you get that present for your uncle yet?

Dan: Oh.. no. But there's plenty of time.

Dan's Wife: Yeah, but you know how the mail is at Christmas. If you just tell me what to get, I'll go out and buy it.

Dan: [ considers his options ]

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Demon #2: Red rum!

Demon #1: Red rum!

Dan: Well, uh.. I know he liked a bottle of red rum.. But I-I-I'll take care of it.

Dan's Wife: Oh, would you please? That would be great.

Dan: [ walks across and notices videotape ] Oh, what movie did you rent?

Dan's Wife: Uh.. it's an old Western with that actor you like..

Dan: [ laughing ] What actor?

Dan's Wife: You know, uh.. the one who's in all those musicals..

Dan: [ massages his wife's shoulders and summons his demons for the answer ]

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Demon #1: Keel!

Demon #2: Keel!

Dan: You mean.. Howard Keel?

Dan's Wife: Yeah. That guy.

Dan: Oh. I don't like him!

Dan's Wife: Oh, I thought you did..?

Dan: I mean, he's done some good work..

Daughter: [ enters, whining ] Dad, you can't use the VCR! [ grabs his video ] I have to watch "Wuthering Heights" for my book report!

Dan: Fine. Go ahead.

Daughter: [ by the VCR ] Mom! Look what did to the machine! He always does this! [ bends over ] Now I can't push fast-forward! Why do we have this stupid old machine, anyway? No one has a top-loading machine anymore! You're just too cheap to buy a new one!

Dan: [ almost kicks her in the rear, but his demons intercede ]

Demon #2: What are you waiting for?

Demon #1: Give her a hug!

Demon #2: Give her a hug!

Demon #1: Give her a hug!

Demon #2: Hug her!

Demon #1: Hug her!

Demon #2: Hug her!

Demon #1: Hug her!

Dan: [ hugs his Daughter ] Sweetie.. ah, just calm down. I know it's an old VCR.. maybe we'll get a new one from Santa!

Daughter: [ excited ] Really! Yay! Oh, with a remote! I'll go get the catalogue! [ runs out of the room ]

Dan: [ shivering ] It's freezing over here.. [ moves close to the front door ] ..oh, no wonder.. look, there's cold air rushing in..

Dan's Wife: Oh, well, no wonder it's chilly in here. What can we do about it?

Dan: [ contemplates the situation, with a little help from his demons ]

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Demon #1: Weatherstripping!

Demon #2: Weatherstripping!

Dan: No problem! I'll just put in some weatherstripping!

Dan's Wife: Oh, but honey, you've been working so hard. Are you sure you'll have time?

Dan: [ thinking ]

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #2: Mmm-hmm!

Demon #1: Mmm-hmm!

Dan: [nodding ] Mmm-hmm!

Dan's Wife: Oh.. well.. if you're sure.. [ doorbell rings ] Oh. I'll get that. [ answers door, lets in Dr. Gould ] Oh, hello, Doctor.. come in. Dan, there's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Dr. Gould.

Dr. Gould: Hello, Dan. Nice ot see you. [ sits down ] Dan, your wife and I were speaking yesterday, and she mentioned that you've been under a lot of stress lately. I'd like to try to help.

Dan: You mean.. you're a psychiatrist. Nancy, did you call?

Dan's Wife: Well, sweetheart.. you haven't been acting yourself lately. You've been so thoughtful and considerate, I just thought I should talk to someone..

Dr. Gould: Dan, many people find that in a new setting, away from the distractions, they're able to focus better.

Dan: Well, wait a minute.. you're talking about.. putting me in a hospital..? [ his demons rise ]

Demon #1: Thank her!

Demon #2: Thank her!

Demon #1: Thank her!

Demon #2: Thank her!

Demon #1: Do it now!

Demon #2: Do it now!

Demon #1: Thank her now!

Demon #2: Thank her now!

Demon #1: Thank her now!

Demon #2: Thank her now!

Dan: Well, thank you, honey.. thank you for caring enough to do this. Will you pack a suitcase for me?

Dan's Wife: Well, of course I will! And I'll come to visit you everyday! [ walks Dan to the door ]

Daughter: [ rushes in, sees her father leave with Dr. Gould ] Mom, where's Dad going? Is he going to that place again?

Dan's Wife: It's going to be a tough few weeks, honey.. I hope we can get through it.. [ summons Dan's demons ]

Demon #1: Take a class!

Demon #2: Take a pottery class!

Demon #1: Bring the girl!

Demon #2: Bring the girl!

Demon #1: Bring the girl!

Demon #2: Bring the girl!

Demon #1: Bring the girl!

Demon #2: Bring the girl!

Dan's Wife: Hey! How about if we take a pottery class? You and me!

Daughter: Yeah!

[ they exit the room ]

[ dissolve into title graphic: "One Man's Demons" ]


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