Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 5

88e: Demi Moore / Johnny Clegg & Savuka

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans.....Dana Carvey
Franz.....Kevin Nealon
Forest Ranger.....Al Franken

[ open on a starry night - camera pans down to find Hans & Franz on their sleeping bags gazing into the night ]

Hans: Franz? Are you sleeping?

Franz: No, Hans. I was just counting stars.

Hans: Listen to me now, and believe me later: you can't count all the stars, Franz. It's like trying to count all your muscles.

Franz: Yes, you are right.

Hans: The universe is so vast.

Franz: I was just thinking, Hans: suppose we were just a tiny speck of a muscle, inside a larger muscle, inside an even larger muscle. It boggles my mind just talking about it.

Hans: Okay, then, enough talk. We're not here to talk, we're here to..

Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.

Franz: Hans? Are you sleepy?

Hans: No, Franz. I was just thinking: if the universe is neverending, that means, if we took our properly pumped-up muscles and lay them end to end.. still they would not reach the end!

Franz: That is very hard to comprehend. Hans, would you ever go up to Mars in a rocketship?

Hans: No, Franz. Because then I would be veightless, and that is my worst nightmare.

Franz: Yeah, good thinking, Hans. You know, they could never have a veight-lifting competition on Mars, because even a puny-sized man could lift a man-size weight.

Hans: Ya. In veightlifting competitions of the future, they're going to have to watch that very carefully.

Franz: Hans, I cannot sleep. I'm going to get up and have a nice hot cup of protein drink. [gets up ]

Hans: I think I vill join you. [ also gets up ]

[ a wolf howls ]

Franz: Vhat was that?

Hans: Vhat was vhat?

[ a cat screams ]

Franz: That!

Hans: I don't know.. but if I was a wild bear thinking about attacking a certain campsite, I would think twice now and think about it again later!

Franz: Listen to me now, and hear me later, Mr. Bear: if you think that ve are easy prey, then take a look at this!

[ Hans and Franz flex their muscles for all the wild forest animals to see ]

Hans: Listen!

Franz: Listen to me now! Ve can.. ve can..very easily..

Together: [ slowly ] ..pump.. [ clap ] .. you up.. Pump.. [ clap ] up.. Pump.. [ clap ] ..youup..

[ Forest Ranger walks up ]

Forest Ranger: Hi, fellas! How's it going? [ Hans and Franz scream in surprise ] Oh. Sprry to scare you guys. I'm just doing the rounds. It's going to be $5 for the campsite, but you can pay on the way out.

Franz: You did not frighten us! We do not scare that easily!

Hans: No, you are entirely mistaken, my friend!

Forest Ranger: Well.. whatever. Oh, by the way, the showers are up at the top of hill there, and the snack bar's closing in about ten minutes, so if you need anything.. hey, wait a minute.. aren't you those two guys on the cable thing? The exercise thing..?

Hans: Ya. I am Hans!

Franz: And I am Franz!

Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap ] up!

Hans: Ya, that is us!

Forest Ranger: I thought so. Well, have a good night.

Franz: I suppose you want our autographs, huh?

Forest Ranger: No, that's okay.

Hans: No, don't be too shy about it, Mr. Ranger. You know, we get that stuff all the time!

Forest Ranger: No.. what would I do with an autograph out here?

Hans: Vhy don't you get it for your girlfriend?

Forest Ranger: No, that's okay. And once again, I'm sorry if I.. scared you guys. [ walks off ]

Franz: He did not scare us..

Hans: No, I was not scared..

Franz: Don't give yourself too much credit, Mr. Out-of-Shape Ranger Man!

Hans: Ya, Mr. Smokey the Bear Man! You know, if you think you scared us, my friend, then you are a dreamer!

Franz: Ya, and dreamers are in for a rude awakening!

Hans: Ya, you know, maybe we should wake you up by putting a bear trap in your bed, and then having it snap your flabby fanny!

Franz: Ya, and you would not even feel it, and then we'd be stuck with some trapped flab!

Hans: Ya, that's right! Hear me now, and believe me.

[ other campers start to complain behind the bushes ]

Hans: Hey, don't be telling us what to do, campers! You know, where do you get off yelling at us?

Franz: Ya, you know, if we have to come over there, you will be between a rock and a hard place!

Hans: Ya, that's right! In other words, between Hans and Franz!

Franz: [ calm ] Alright, alright.. enough talk. We're not here to talk. We're here to..

Together: ..get.. [ clap their hands ] ..some rest.

[ they return to their sleeping bags and gaze at the stars ]

Franz: Hans? Are you asleep?

Hans: No, Franz.

Franz: I was just wondering: what, if at the end of the universe, there was this big wall of muscle?

Hans: Ya. And what would be on the other side of that big muscle wall?

Franz: It just boggles my mind thinking about it.

Hans: Me, too.

[ camera pans up to the stars ]

[ fade to black ]

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