Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13







88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Mr. Subliminal's Apprentice

Mr. Subliminal.....Kevin Nealon
Ted.....Leslie Nielsen
Bartender.....Jon Lovitz
Woman.....Jan Hooks
Policeman.....Phil Hartman

[ Ted walks into a bar with Mr. Subliminal ]

Mr. Subliminal: Two beers, please.

Ted: I just can't get the hang of it..

Mr. Subliminal: That's because it's new to you. Believe me, Ted, subliminal advertising can be very, very effective.

Bartender: Alright, gentlemen, here's your beers.

Mr. Subliminal: Thanks, partner - on the house - that was quick - on the house - what do we owe you?

Bartender: Uh.. forget about it - on the house!

Mr. Subliminal: Oh? Thank you very much! Hey.. you know something - free cash - this is a real classy place - free cash - first time we've been here.

Bartender: Oh, I'm glad you like it. I've been working here for years.

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, no kidding- free cash - that's great!

Bartender: [ opens cash register and drops cash on the counter ] Here ya go.

Mr. Subliminal: What's this for?

Bartender: It's free cash, take it.

Ted: [ chuckles ] This is a real nice place!

Mr. Subliminal: No, really - free cash - we can't take this - your wallet - I mean, what would we do with it?

Bartender: Well, don't be ridiculous! [ drops his wallet on the counter ] Here, you take my wallet, you can put it in there!

Mr. Subliminal: Well, okay, if you insist! [ takes wallet, turns to Ted ] You see?

Ted: See what?

Mr. Subliminal: [ spots an attractive Woman on the next barstool ] Hi! Come here often?

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, come on. That's the oldest line in the book.

Mr. Subliminal: Hey, sorry if I was out of line - lonely - I just thought that you might - lonely - you know, like to talk.

Woman: Well.. I am feeling a little.. lonely. It's just that I'm so sick and tired of guys hitting on me all the time, you know?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, believe me - hot sex - I'm not hitting on you - hot sex - I just can, you know, understand that lonely feeling!

Woman: [ nods ] You do, don't you?

Mr. Subliminal: Sure do.

Woman: You seem like a very sensitive man.

Mr. Subliminal: Well..

Woman: And.. sexy, too! [ giggles ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ turns and whispers to Ted ] You gonna get the hang of it?

Ted: Uh.. yeah..

Mr. Subliminal: [ to Woman ] The name's Phil, Phil Maloney - kiss me - and it's a real plasure meeting you - kiss me - a real pleasure!

Woman: [ quickly jumps in and kisses him ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ catches his breath ] What was that for - your place - I mean, that was nice - your place - I mean, and you are..?

Woman: I'm Wanda! What do you say we go to my place?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, great!

Woman: It's a five-story walk-up, I hope you don't mind..

Mr. Subliminal: Mind? - hotel - No, I don't mind - luxury hotel - maybe I'll lose some weight - your treat - [ laughs ].

Woman: Better yet - how about we go away to a luxury hotel - I'll pay! How about that?

Mr. Subliminal: Great idea - horny - there's one right around the corner - handcuffs - let's go!

Woman: Okay, let's go!

Mr. Subliminal: Okay, then - spank me - let's go1

[ they rush out of the bar ]

[ a beautiful woman sits next to Ted ]

Ted: Ahhhhh, yeah, I think I'm beginning to see.. [ notices the woman next to him ] Yeah..

Policeman: [ enters bar ] Alright! Who owns the white volvo out front?

Ted: Uh.. that's mine, Officer. Is there a problem?

Policeman: Yeah, it's a $50 problem. You parked in front of a fire hydrant. Let me see your license.

Ted: Uh.. oh, yeah, sure, Officer.. Uh.. to be honest, Officer - HOT SEX! - I didn't see the hydrant - TIE ME UP! - it was dark.

Policeman: What did you say?

Ted: I said - HOT SEX! - I didn't see the hydrant - SPANK ME! - it was dark.

Policeman: Hot sex? Spank me? Alright, pervert, come on, you're going downtown! [ drags Ted away ]

Ted: Uh, no, Officer, please - KISS ME! Officer, no - KISS ME! Officer, no - HORNY! Please - YOUR PLACE! Officer..

[ fade out ]


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