Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 14

88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close's Monologue

.....Glenn Close
.....William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I'm really excited, I'm really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part - the monologue - is something I've really been dreading.. um.. I've been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my ` Mom always said, "Just don't talk about yourself, it's rude to talk about yourself, especially in public." So, you know, I've never felt comfortable doing it - I don't feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I've already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I've asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt's entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn't much time, and a lot to cover, so let's get started. I've known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she's right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: "Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work." And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night - always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I'm a friend of Glenn's, so I'm prejudiced - but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America's hardest-working actres, she's also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I'll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Bookstore Under Siege

Bookstore Under Siege

Clerk.....Glenn Close
Ed.....Phil Hartman
Customer.....Jan Hooks
Stockboy.....Jon Lovitz

[ open on interior, bookstore ]

[ gunfire ]

Ed: Well.. I say we probably shouldn't have caved in on that first book. But I don't think it would have made a difference. This was inevitable.

Clerk: I don't know, maybe not. Maybe if we had defied the Ayatollah's address right fromt the start - the right-to-lifers, the Columbians and the IRA wouldn't have gotten the same idea.

Stockboy's Voice: Incoming!!

[ explosion ]

[ Customer jumps over sandbag wall to safety ]

Customer: Oh!

Clerk: [ grabs Customer's books ] Okay, will that be cash or charge?

Customer: Well.. I'm gonna charge it! But there's.. there's.. there's still a book that I can't find! Can someone help me?

Clerk: Oh, gosh, I don't know..

Customer: Well, it's an expensive hardcover coffee table book.

Ed: Okay, okay, okay.. we'll get someone. What's the name of that new stockboy? We've been through so many lately, I'm losing track!

Clerk: Well.. it's Flankman, I think - Bernie Flankman. God, you know, Ed, you're so cold, Ed.

Ed: [ on intercom ] Would Stockboy Flankman please report to the Cashier Bunker for customer assistance?! We'll provide cover! Okay, Plankton, go, go, go!!

[ gunfire, as Stockboy jumps over the sandbag wall ]

Stockboy: What is it? What, what, what?!

Clerk: You alright, Flankman?

Ed: Of course he's alright - he's a bookseller! Help this lady, Flankman, she can't find a book!

Stockboy: What book? What, what, what?!

Customer: Well.. it's about this big, and it's blue, and I think it's called "American Crochet", or something like that..

Stockboy: Oh, we haven't got it.

Ed: You're lying!

Stockboy: No, no, it's out of stock!

Ed: Bull!!

Stockboy: [ near tears ] Okay! Okay, we've got it! It's out front, there's five of 'em where the window used to be! But I can't go out there! Not for a crochet book! Not for $4.50 an hour! You CAN'T make me go out there!!


Clerk: Stop it! Leave him alone, I tell you! [ Stckboy weeps ] All he wanted to do was get a job around books. Now he has to wade knee-deep in gore just to set up a Stephen King display! Yes, he's had enough! Why, can't you see that?!

Customer: Listen, why should I be slighted because I want to buy a crochet book instead of Proust?!

Ed: [ removes helmet ] You're right, lady. I'll get you your damn book! Read it and learn, you book-burning bastards!! [ runs into the enemy fire ]

Stockboy: I don't get him! What is it! What?! What?! What?!

Clerk: You know, it's a funny thing about Ed.. this could be a licquor store.. or a hardware store.. but it's all the same to him. I don't even think he reads.

Customer: [ watching in horror ] My God! I think he's gonna make it!

Stockboy: Come on, you sonofabitch!! I'll put it in the bag!! Come on, Ed!! It's a sale!

[ Ed jumps back over the sandbag wall, as gunfire follows his trai ]

Clerk: [ amazed ] Oh, Ed! You magnificent bastard!

Customer: Oh, Mister, I'm so sorry.. but I got my book! It's beautiful!

Stockboy: You gonna be okay, Ed?

Ed: [ dazed ] Maybe.. maybe..

Clerk: What? What is it, Ed?

Ed: Maybe we'll sell only Muslim books.. Ayatollah birthday sale.. You know what they say..

Clerk: What?! What?!

Ed: [ perks up ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

SNL Transcripts