Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 14

88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close's Monologue

.....Glenn Close
.....William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I'm really excited, I'm really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part - the monologue - is something I've really been dreading.. um.. I've been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my ` Mom always said, "Just don't talk about yourself, it's rude to talk about yourself, especially in public." So, you know, I've never felt comfortable doing it - I don't feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I've already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I've asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt's entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn't much time, and a lot to cover, so let's get started. I've known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she's right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: "Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work." And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night - always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I'm a friend of Glenn's, so I'm prejudiced - but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America's hardest-working actres, she's also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I'll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Nine Different Levels

Nine Different Levels

Woman.....Glenn Close
Friend.....Jon Lovitz

(A living room. Close and Lovitz sit next to each other, laughing.)

Friend: Hey, that's great, that's great. Oh, I saw Julia the other day.

Woman: Oh, really? How's she doing?

Friend: She's pretty good.

Woman: Oh, I know, it's so great. She's been so HAPPY lately. It's so great to see.

Friend: Yeah, well, she's happy all right, now that she's GETTIN' IT regular! (He leans towards Woman and punches his left palm, thus making an obscene gesture. He giggles at his joke, while Woman's face turns to an uneasy frown. He realizes she's not amused and shuts up.)

Woman: Do you know that that OFFENDS me on about ... nine different levels?

Friend: Really?

Woman: Yeah. (a beat) Would you like to see them?

Friend: Yeah!

(Cue the music. The wall behind them moves back to reveal a circus stage setting, with platforms, chain fences, string lights and staircases. Woman and Friend get out of their chairs to explore the setting, while Woman sings the following song in a British accent, a la Julie Andrews. They walk up to Victoria Jackson, who is standing on a platform, clad in only a towel.)

"The first level stands for a woman's sense of privacy,
A treasure we must never waste!

Friend: Never waste?

(She leads him away from Jackson)

"The second is my own sense of propriety ... "

Friend: Propriety?

Woman: "The crassness of your comment challenged my good taste!"

(To represent this "good taste," two pairs of gloved hands show up and lift teacups to their lips)

Friend: (reacting to the tea) Yow!

"But you needn't dwell on these, for in fact,
The next few levels tend to get a bit abstract."

Friend: What do you mean?

Woman: Never mind! Just follow me!

(She leads him to the chain fence on the right, where two trench-coated "detective" figures stand.)

"Number three, we can see,
The confiding tone you used on me,
I felt like an accomplice in your court."

(She leans against the lamp post and lifts her right leg. He lifts his as well. Then she leads him to stage right, where, in front of another chain fence, three "tough guy" figures [Myers, Hartman and Carvey] gang up on an invisible figure and use the gesture Jon used.)

"And what's more, here's level four,
Where the gesture that you used before
Implied that sex was violent,
Which was not what I was taught."

(Woman and Friend sit on the steps of a staircase.)

"It's a wondrous, beautiful union,
A reason we're alive."

(Jackson, now wearing a tutu, emerges behind them and sprinkles gold dust on them.)

"Yet on that subject, I'm uneasy now,
And that is level five."

(The music stops)

Friend: God, that's really neat!

Woman: Yes, well, I thought you'd like it!

(The music resumes. They prance over to stage left and step up the ramp to the beat of the song.)

"Now the next two levels are somewhat similar,
In that they have a feminist taint."

(They reach the top and stop.)

"So we broke through the walls,
And made them one big area,
Because we were getting complaints."

(She diverts his attention to the three Chippendales men standing on the steps, who lift up a swooning, man-worshipping Nora Dunn, and then gently set her down, after which a gorilla-suited figure appears behind them.)

"On the left, your statement acquainting
A woman's disposition to a sexual frequency,
Reduces us to an animal scale."

(Enter Nealon and Hooks. Nealon gives Hooks a big gift box marked "IT.")

"And in here, the phrase "getting it,"
Implies that sex is a gift from men,
When it's a pleasure shared by female and male."

(Hooks grins. Woman and Friend climb to the top of the steps.)

"Level eight is a bit more difficult to talk about.
It might weird you out, it's true."

Friend: Oh, go ahead!

Woman: Well okay, here goes nothing!

"The fact that you feel comfortable
When talking in that way to me
Implies I generate a sexual interest in you."

Friend: Hey, that's pretty good, that's ... (becomes embarrassed) ... I, I mean, I ... I, I, um ...

(They go down the steps and stop at the middle of the staircase.)

Woman: (misreads her cue) No, that's okay -
No, that's okay, it's not like you ever led me on.
Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
There's no sense in trying to make me feel better now,
Because ...
All the levels come together
Here at level ...

(They march towards the center of the stage, as the others join them for the song's big finish. A shiny curtain of tinsel drops behind them.)

"We're here at the last, and most important level,
The only one on which to end ... "

(As Woman sings the last part, the others move away from her and Friend, and the spotlight focuses on them.)

"For when you made your comment
That brought us to this wonderland,
You were talking ...
About ...
My ...
(hits high note) FRIEND!"

Friend: (harmonizes with her) About her friend!

(Applause! They walk back over to their chairs and sit down. The wall from the beginning comes back behind them. Friend is in a state of amazement.)

Friend: God! That was incredible!

Woman: (flattered) Thanks.

Friend: Hey, look, maybe, uh, you think maybe I could offend you again sometime?

Woman: Hah, no, I think you've had more than your share for a day.

Friend: Aw ... (leans towards her and chauvinistically calls her a ... ) Bitch.

(Her face stiffens up, and the music resumes as the wall moves away again. Everyone prances around the stage, now laden with balloons and confetti, as the audience applauds, and we cut to commercial.)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts