Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14





88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close's Monologue

.....Glenn Close
.....William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I'm really excited, I'm really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part - the monologue - is something I've really been dreading.. um.. I've been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my ` Mom always said, "Just don't talk about yourself, it's rude to talk about yourself, especially in public." So, you know, I've never felt comfortable doing it - I don't feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I've already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I've asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt's entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn't much time, and a lot to cover, so let's get started. I've known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she's right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: "Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work." And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night - always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I'm a friend of Glenn's, so I'm prejudiced - but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America's hardest-working actres, she's also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I'll be right back!


SNL Transcripts





Alex's Support Group





Alex's Support Group

Louise.....Victoria Jackson
Peter.....Jon Lovitz
Counselor.....Kevin Nealon
Monica.....Nora Dunn
Brad.....Dana Carvey
Alex.....Glenn Close



[ open on support group meeting ]

Louise: So.. I was the only one in the office who didn't get a raise.. and I didn't complain to Mr. Callaher.

Peter: Your boss?

Louise: Yeah. And.. I think it's because, I'm afraid of people's anger.

[ Monica smiles ]

Counselor: Monica. You smiled. Why?

Monica: Louise, you have made so much progress.

Counselor: And how does that make you feel about Louise?

Monica: It makes me like you. I care about you.

Counselor: I think that's what we call a "warm fuzzy". Brad. How was your week?

Brad: [ nerdy, nebbish, meek, wears Buddy Holly-style glasses ] Mmm.. one time.. I left my apartment one time.

Counselor: Now.. is that including this session?

Brad: Uh-huh.

Counselor: So, you didn't leave your apartment, except to come here?

Brad: Uh-huh.

Counselor: So, you've regressed?

Brad: Uh-huh.

Counselor: How does that make people feel about Brad? Peter?

Peter: Well.. it makes me feel like he's, uh.. pathetic.

Counselor: That's honest.. that's honest.

Monica: It makes me care about Brad. Brad.. I care about you.

Brad: Okay!

Counselor: Good.. good. Alright, we still have a few minutes. Alex? You've been kind of quiet over there - how was your week?

[ camera reveals Alex from "Fatal Attraction" sitting in with the support group ]

Alex: Well.. you know that guy I've been obsessed with? Well, I finally got up the courage to throw acid on his car.

Counselor: Ah-ha.

Alex: You see, he needs me.. and.. well, I spied on his family the other night. I.. was watching through the window, him and his.. wife. And, uh.. their little girl - he just bought her a little rabbit. It just made me sick to my stomach, so, anyway, the next afternoon I went to the little girl's school, and, uh.. pretended I was a family friend, and I took her out of school, and I.. drove her to an amusement park.

Counselor: Uh-huh. Well, how does that make you feel? Louise, how do you feel about Alex kidnapping the child, and taking her to the amusement park.

Louise: [ bothered ] Um.. it.. it sounds like you had a really fun time..

Counselor: Brad?

Brad: [ nervous, scared ] Can I go home now, please?

Counselor: Monica?

Monica: I care about Alex.

Counselor: Good. Good, Monica, good. Alex, did you hear that?

Alex: I boiled the rabbit.

Brad: [ petrified ] I would very much like to go home now!

Counselor: Hang in, Brad, hang in. How do people feel about Alex boiling the bunny?

Peter: Well, I have a question - well, no, two questions. Didn't you tell us last week that Dan pretty much said he never wanted to see you again? [ Alex chuckles ] And, why did you boil the bunny?

Alex: Dan loves me. I mean, don't you see? It's his wife. She doesn't want him to see me. She has brainwashed him, and.. he had to be reminded that I exist! [ furious ] I mean, I exist!! I REALLY EXIST!!

[ the group is stunned and at a loss for speech ]

Counselor: Louise?

Louise: [ frightened ] I.. I think you exist..

Counselor: Peter, you still seem a little troubled.

Peter: Well.. I, uh.. it's just that.. well, look, I've never met the guy, but.. I just get the feeling that Dan regrets ever having having the one-night stand. I mean, he's sorry that he slit your wrists, and he feels bad that you're carrying his child.. But I think - maybe - he just wants to go back to his family and get on with his life. Or maybe you're just not taking the hint! [ Alex glares at Peter ] Or maybe not!

Monica: Can I say something? I'd like to risk something.

Counselor: Good, good!

Monica: Alex.. I really care about you. I like you. But, sometimes, I have this fear that you're gonna find out where I live, and come late at night and assault me.

Counselor: Uh-huh. Does anyone else feel that way? [ everyone raises their hands ] Well.. good. That's honest, that's honest.. Alex? How does that make you feel?

Alex: Why would I assault you? I love you.

Counselor: Did everyone hear that? Does that make everyone feel better? [ no repsonse ] Brad?

Brad: [ mouths a silent scream ]

Counselor: Good.. good.. [ to group ] Look, it's 9:30, so I guess we'll see you next week. Good work.

[ the group begins to disperse ]

Peter: [ to Louise ] Listen.. I forgot to bring my checkbook - can you cover for me?

Louise: Well.. [ Peter pats her on the shoulder for support ] ..okay..

Alex: [ removes knife from purse as she organizes its contents ] Is anyone going for coffee?

Counselor: Oh, that's good, Alex! As I said before, coffee is not mandatory - but it's a good idea.

[ the group panics ]

Peter: Uh.. I gotta get up early.

Louise: Me, too..

Monica: I've got a long day tomorrow..

Brad: I miss my home..

Peter: [ to Louise ] Hey, can you give me a lift home?

Louise: Well.. [ Peter pats her on the shoulder for support ] ..um..

[ the group exits, leaving Alex alone with Counselor ]

Counselor: Oh, Alex.. I have to admit, I'm a little concerned about your problem with this man. I know it's been going on for some time now.

Alex: Yeah, well.. I'm gonna go up to his house again tonight, and I'm going to.. explain things to his wife.. and settle it.

Counselor: Oh, good.. good, that's really good. Well.. then have a good weekend! Oh, and, Alex - I'm awfully proud of you.

[ Alex exits, as scene zooms out ]


SNL Transcripts