Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 14

88n: Glenn Close / Gipsy Kings

Glenn Close's Monologue

.....Glenn Close
.....William Hurt

Glenn Close: Thank you, thank you! Wow! Oh, boy.. Well, this is really exciting for me! I'm really excited, I'm really happy to be here, working with these incredible people! But.. this part - the monologue - is something I've really been dreading.. um.. I've been dreading all week, you see, because, I always think of my Mom, and my ` Mom always said, "Just don't talk about yourself, it's rude to talk about yourself, especially in public." So, you know, I've never felt comfortable doing it - I don't feel comfortable now. In fact, I think I've already told you too much about myself! [ laughs ] But since, you know, at this point in the show, I know that you expect to kind of get to know me a little bit more.. I've asked one of my closest friends, who knows me really well, to come out and talk about me for me. So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to introduce one of the finest actors in film and theater today, my dear friend, William Hurt.

[ audience goes wild upon Hurt's entrance ]

William Hurt: Thank you. Um.. there isn't much time, and a lot to cover, so let's get started. I've known Glenn for more a decade. She is one of my closest friends, and probably the person I most admire. Complicated, yes; demanding, true; difficult, at times; temperamental, oh yes! Hard to take over a long period of time? Not to me. Wether she's right for the part or not, Glenn always gets the job done. She proves the truth of the saying: "Acting is 10% talent, and 90% plain old hard work." And no one outworks Glenn Close. The first to arrive in the morning, the last to go home at night - always reliable, always punctual, always prepared.

Now, this is something that Glenn would never tell you herself, but, in her fifteen years as an actress, she has never missed a single day of work due to illness. In the theater and motion pictures, Glenn has successfully tackled a wide range of serious, dramatic, non-comedic roles. And made each in her Yeoman-like manner, uniquely her own. Obviously, I'm a friend of Glenn's, so I'm prejudiced - but I would place her in the top 4 or 5 actresses working in film and stage in American. In her age group. In non-comedic dramatic roles. And, of those 4 or 5, easily the hardest working. Glenn Close is not just America's hardest-working actres, she's also my friend.

Glenn Close: Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host this show?

William Hurt: Oh, Glenny, I would never host this show!

Glenn Close: Well, stick around. We have the Gipsy Kings, and I'll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

... Dennis Miller
... A. Whitney Brown
George Michael ... Dana Carvey

Music Intro: Benny Goodman's swing-era classic "Sing Sing Sing"

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

This week the Ayatollah issued a more extensive list of people he wants killed and the prices on their heads. Librarians who release The Satanic Verses book: sixty-one dollars and seven cents. Muslim comedians or mimes: two hundred dollars. Anyone telling Ayatollah knock-knock jokes: one thousand two hundred and fifty dollars. John Tower, Muslim womanizer: five thousand. Schools using Muslims as their mascots: fifteen thousand. Harry Caray, for pronouncing the Ayatollah's name backward during a Cub broadcast: thirty-five thousand dollars. Photographers who photograph the Ayatollah and Madonna together: three hundred thousand dollars. Children who sit on the Ayatollah's lap and tug on his beard: five hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Vatican member responsible for having pizzas delivered to the Ayatollah's tent: nine hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars. Americans who drive taxis in Iran: one million dollars. And Dan Quayle, for phoning the Ayatollah and asking for an autographed copy of the book: two point nine million dollars. ... [cheers and applause]

And British publisher Robert Maxwell has pledged ten point six million dollars to anyone who can civilize Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini. [Photo of actor Rex Harrison as Professor Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady] The gauntlet was picked up by one Henry Higgins, well-known London linguist and sociologist who predicts within a year he'll have Khomeini at the Ascot race track saying "The rain in Iran falls mainly in Iraq."

[Photo of balding Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie] He's not only the Hair Club president, he's also a well-disguised member. [Doctored photo of Rushdie with full head of hair]

[Photo of funeral procession with large coffin] And the thirteen hour funeral for Emperor Hirohito took place yesterday. At one point, our cameras revealed the unusual coffin that is part of the traditional "Land of the Rising Sony" burial ceremony. [Doctored photo of large coffin replaced by large cardboard box labeled SONY TRINITRON]

[Photo of George and Barbara Bush navigating a maze of velvet ropes] One of the Hirohito funeral rituals required President and Mrs. Bush to jump over these ropes. This ... This jump was actually performed by the White House stunt couple who used to replace the Reagans whenever they had to do anything physical in public.

Former KKK Imperial Wizard David Duke was sworn in as a member of the Louisiana state legislature this week. When asked to explain Duke's surprise victory, his campaign manager said: [Dennis hums "Dueling Banjos" theme popularized in the 1972 film Deliverance - photo of banjo player from the film - applause]

[Photo of Asian man carrying buckets] Bucket Man lives! Bucket Man lives! Run for your life!

And TV shlock show "Inside Edition" angered many viewers this week when it gave a forum and speaking time to convicted assassin Sirhan-Sirhan and convicted child killer Joel Steinberg. You know who's gotta feel the worst about this is former "Inside Edition" anchor David Frost who was let go last week because the producers didn't think he was likable enough.

You know, the last vestige of the Ronald Reagan White House years was removed yesterday when workmen dismantled the secret pipeline that connected the Oval Office with the Grecian Formula 16 factory in Baltimore, Maryland.

And Oliver North's trial will finally get underway next week after delays including the prolonged jury selection process to find twelve jurors who had no preconceptions about Oliver North. You know, this is what's wrong with the American legal system. The entire system of jurisprudence is based on the premise of "trial by jury" and the only way you can get on a jury is if you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you know nothing about the case you're about to try. Consequently, we have people's lives being determined by twelve people in a room whose main in goal in life is to wrap it up and get home in time to watch "Alice" reruns on the Superstation because they think Flo is a real hoot.

Dennis Miller: And now, once again, I present a man for whom I would willingly lay down my life: the guiding light of my existence, A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Whitney? [cheers and applause for A. Whitney Brown who shakes hands with Dennis]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Well, my friends, once again, religious fanaticism is showing its true colors. And when you put it into the Big Picture, you can see dung heaps of intolerance piling up in dogmatic kennels all over the world. So, instead of trying to pluck the mote of hypocrisy out of our Muslim brother's eye, let's take one of the logs out of our own and put it through the buzz saw of the Big Picture.

I happen to know we have some pretty wild-eyed religious cults right here at home because I was raised by one -- the Baptists. ... Their basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. ... "Bobbing for Baptists," they call it. ... I finally left the church. But they got even with me. Oh, yeah. They sent my address to the Jehovah's Witnesses. ... Five of them showed up, tried to "gang-save" me in my own living room. ... But all fundamentalists -- Shiites, Moonies or Mormons -- share the same belief: that you should live your life devoid of pleasure so you can go to Heaven when it's over. Which is basically like keeping your eyes shut through a movie in the hopes that you'll get your money back at the end. ...

Now, here in America, we keep the home fires of religious intolerance burning by torching abortion clinics. And it seems to me a little ironic that those most militant about the rights of the unborn are those that have been born again. ... And now, the President wants the Supreme Court to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Now, we can safely assume that the Vice-President's thoughts are pretty much the same. Although not as frequent. ... Or as fully-formed. ... In fact, according to the Washington Post, Dan Quayle thought Roe vs. Wade were alternative ways to cross the Potomac. ... [cheers and applause] Now, as for me, I don't think there's any way to know if you have any rights before you're born. But I do know that being born again doesn't entitle you to twice as many. ... So, if any of this has been blasphemy to you, then good! Because it's been a blast for me, too. ... [applause] And that, my friends, is the Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney Brown! [cheers and applause for A. Whitney Brown - Dennis and Whitney shake hands] Whitney Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Whitney Brown. Thank you. Thank you, Whitney.

A New York state senator has blasted the recently-concluded, so-called "Sexuality Week" at the state university in Albany, saying that such events as the "Condom Dance" had turned the school into a center of carnal knowledge. The senator went on to say: "I remember the old days when a man was a man and a condom dance was a sock hop."

Biologists are worried that radio tracking devices are harming rare owls in the northwest. They've been able to tell this by hearing the owls now saying: "What? What?"

[Photo of Rock Hudson's lover Mark Christian] And, after a lengthy legal battle, Rock Hudson's former lover, Mark Christian, was finally awarded twenty-one million dollars in damages for having been unwittingly exposed to the AIDS virus. When asked how he felt now about Hudson, Mr. Christian replied, "That bastard! If I had a dollar for every time-- Hey, wait a second! I do!" ... [cheers and applause] Christian said if he doesn't get his money, he plans to go back to his previous job as the Brawny Paper Towel Man. [Photo of Brawny Paper Towels with image of man resembling Mark Christian] ... Yeah. Yeah. The quicker picker-upper! ...

And former folk singer Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam, came out this week and said he advocated the assassination of Salman Rushdie. So much for that "Peace Train" crap, huh, Cat? ... Yeah, I could see this comin' years ago on his old album, Tea for the Killerman [Doctored photo of Cat Stevens' album Tea for the Tillerman] ... you, uh, you remember the big hit:
[sings a parody of Stevens' song "Moonshadow"]
I'm being followed by a big muslim
Big muslim, big muslim
[switches to falsetto voice]
Big muslim, big muslim
Big muslim, big muslim

[Cheers and applause. When the crowd subsides, Dennis suddenly starts singing his heart out with a slightly mangled but endearingly passionate version of Stevens' "Father and Son":]
How can I try to explain
When he do I turn away again
It's hard
But it's harder to ignore it
If they were right, I'd agree
But it's them they know, not me now
There's a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go

[More cheers and applause. Dennis cracks up with laughter.]
[Cheers and applause dies down. Again, Dennis breaks into song, Stevens' "Wild World":]
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[Dennis mimes the keyboard part and hums along.]

Dennis Miller: You know, the Grammys were held Wednesday evening and George Michael failed to show up to collect his award for Album of the Year. But he's here tonight to tell us why. George Michael.

George Michael: [leather jacket, shades, British accent] All right, all right. Thank you. [cheers and applause] Faith. Thank you. Thank you, Dennis. You know, I've been rather busy lately, you know, starting work on the new album and filming videos, you know. Well, appearance is very important, as you know. Hair - is important. Face. And, of course, butt.

Dennis Miller: Well, George, if you're so concerned with your image, why were you a no-show at the Grammys?

George Michael: Butt maintenance is very important. And, in fact, that is why I missed the telly-cast. I began preparing my butt a full forty-eight hours before the Grammys. I did a mineral pre-soak. I plucked it, waxed it, buffed it. And, as I was applying the sealant, I looked up and Billy Crystal was saying, "Good night!"

Dennis Miller: Let's get back to your work, George. What about your new album?

George Michael: But - but look at it. Look at it. [rises, shows butt to Dennis] Don't - don't be afraid of it, Dennis. Don't deny it. Look at it. [wiggles butt] It's a nice butt. Look at it. It won't hurt you, Dennis. It's your friend.

Dennis Miller: Yeah. I know, George, I know, I know.

George Michael: [sits] You fear my butt because you don't understand it. You resist it like all the others before you, yet its power only grows. ...

Dennis Miller: Have you spoken to Andy Ridgeley lately?

George Michael: What about my butt?! [rises, shows butt to Dennis] Look at it! You can't take your eyes off it, can you?! [Dennis stares deadpan at the wiggling butt, occasionally glancing at the audience] It's hypnotic! Try to look away! You can't look away! Try to look away! You can't! Look at it! Look at it! [sits] Did you know - did you know, Dennis, that my butt has the power to heal? Put a wilted flower near my butt. It blooms! I don't claim to understand it, I'm only its servant!

Dennis Miller: George. George, man, let's get off the butt thing--

George Michael: Dennis, my butt will not be trifled with! [rises, shows butt to Dennis] Do its bidding, Dennis! Save yourself! Resist and die! Surrender and live eternally! My butt will prevail! It will outlive us all! For I have achieved perfect buttness! [cheers, applause and whistling as George Michael rises and rips off his microphone - he and his butt exit]

Dennis Miller: [after a pause] Bummer.

[Photo of jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie puffing out his cheeks to an enormous size] You know, the highlight of the Grammy award ceremony for me had to be when Dizzy Gillespie swallowed his Lifetime Achievement award, yeah!

[Photo of the artist known at the time as Prince] Minneapolis-based rock star Prince's last album did so poorly that he reverted back to his original form this week. [Photo of a person in a goofy frog costume, carrying an umbrella, stepping into a rain-soaked street]

And Tipper Gore, head of the PMRC, is introducing legislation that would require all McDonald's Instant Cash Records to be issued with warning labels. When playing the record backwards at a slow speed, she claims to have heard the words, "Burger King is Satan!"

Folks, I'm gonna need fifty dollars to make you holler because I get paid to do the news thing. [Music: Tone Loc's "Wild Thing"] Guess what? That's the news and I am out o' here!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts