Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
... Dennis Miller
... A. Whitney Brown
George Michael ... Dana Carvey
Music Intro: Benny Goodman's swing-era classic
"Sing Sing Sing"
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with
anchorperson Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and
what can I tell you?
This week the Ayatollah issued a more extensive list
of people he wants killed and the prices on their
heads. Librarians who release The Satanic
Verses book: sixty-one dollars and seven cents.
Muslim comedians or mimes: two hundred dollars. Anyone
telling Ayatollah knock-knock jokes: one thousand two
hundred and fifty dollars. John Tower, Muslim
womanizer: five thousand. Schools using Muslims as
their mascots: fifteen thousand. Harry Caray, for
pronouncing the Ayatollah's name backward during a Cub
broadcast: thirty-five thousand dollars. Photographers
who photograph the Ayatollah and Madonna together:
three hundred thousand dollars. Children who sit on
the Ayatollah's lap and tug on his beard: five hundred
and fifty thousand dollars. Vatican member responsible
for having pizzas delivered to the Ayatollah's tent:
nine hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars.
Americans who drive taxis in Iran: one million
dollars. And Dan Quayle, for phoning the Ayatollah and
asking for an autographed copy of the book: two point
nine million dollars. ... [cheers and
And British publisher Robert Maxwell has pledged ten
point six million dollars to anyone who can civilize
Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini. [Photo of actor Rex
Harrison as Professor Henry Higgins in My Fair
Lady] The gauntlet was picked up by one Henry
Higgins, well-known London linguist and sociologist
who predicts within a year he'll have Khomeini at the
Ascot race track saying "The rain in Iran falls mainly
[Photo of balding Satanic Verses author Salman
Rushdie] He's not only the Hair Club president, he's
also a well-disguised member. [Doctored photo of
Rushdie with full head of hair]
[Photo of funeral procession with large coffin] And
the thirteen hour funeral for Emperor Hirohito took
place yesterday. At one point, our cameras revealed
the unusual coffin that is part of the traditional
"Land of the Rising Sony" burial ceremony. [Doctored
photo of large coffin replaced by large cardboard box
labeled SONY TRINITRON]
[Photo of George and Barbara Bush navigating a maze of
velvet ropes] One of the Hirohito funeral rituals
required President and Mrs. Bush to jump over these
ropes. This ... This jump was actually performed by
the White House stunt couple who used to replace the
Reagans whenever they had to do anything physical in
Former KKK Imperial Wizard David Duke was sworn in as
a member of the Louisiana state legislature this week.
When asked to explain Duke's surprise victory, his
campaign manager said: [Dennis hums "Dueling Banjos"
theme popularized in the 1972 film Deliverance
- photo of banjo player from the film -
[Photo of Asian man carrying buckets] Bucket Man
lives! Bucket Man lives! Run for your life!
And TV shlock show "Inside Edition" angered many
viewers this week when it gave a forum and speaking
time to convicted assassin Sirhan-Sirhan and convicted
child killer Joel Steinberg. You know who's gotta feel
the worst about this is former "Inside Edition" anchor
David Frost who was let go last week because the
producers didn't think he was likable enough.
You know, the last vestige of the Ronald Reagan White
House years was removed yesterday when workmen
dismantled the secret pipeline that connected the Oval
Office with the Grecian Formula 16 factory in
And Oliver North's trial will finally get underway
next week after delays including the prolonged jury
selection process to find twelve jurors who had no
preconceptions about Oliver North. You know, this is
what's wrong with the American legal system. The
entire system of jurisprudence is based on the premise
of "trial by jury" and the only way you can get on a
jury is if you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that
you know nothing about the case you're about to
try. Consequently, we have people's lives being
determined by twelve people in a room whose main in
goal in life is to wrap it up and get home in time to
watch "Alice" reruns on the Superstation because they
think Flo is a real hoot.
Dennis Miller: And now, once again, I present a
man for whom I would willingly lay down my life: the
guiding light of my existence, A. Whitney Brown with
The Big Picture. Whitney? [cheers and applause for A.
Whitney Brown who shakes hands with Dennis]
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Well, my friends,
once again, religious fanaticism is showing its true
colors. And when you put it into the Big Picture, you
can see dung heaps of intolerance piling up in
dogmatic kennels all over the world. So, instead of
trying to pluck the mote of hypocrisy out of our
Muslim brother's eye, let's take one of the logs out
of our own and put it through the buzz saw of the Big
I happen to know we have some pretty wild-eyed
religious cults right here at home because I was
raised by one -- the Baptists. ... Their basic
theology is that if you hold someone under water long
enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. ...
"Bobbing for Baptists," they call it. ... I finally
left the church. But they got even with me. Oh, yeah.
They sent my address to the Jehovah's Witnesses. ...
Five of them showed up, tried to "gang-save" me in my
own living room. ... But all fundamentalists --
Shiites, Moonies or Mormons -- share the same belief:
that you should live your life devoid of pleasure so
you can go to Heaven when it's over. Which is
basically like keeping your eyes shut through a movie
in the hopes that you'll get your money back at the
Now, here in America, we keep the home fires of
religious intolerance burning by torching abortion
clinics. And it seems to me a little ironic that those
most militant about the rights of the unborn are those
that have been born again. ... And now, the President
wants the Supreme Court to overturn Roe vs.
Wade. Now, we can safely assume that the
Vice-President's thoughts are pretty much the same.
Although not as frequent. ... Or as fully-formed. ...
In fact, according to the Washington Post, Dan
Quayle thought Roe vs. Wade were alternative
ways to cross the Potomac. ... [cheers and applause]
Now, as for me, I don't think there's any way to know
if you have any rights before you're born. But I do
know that being born again doesn't entitle you to
twice as many. ... So, if any of this has been
blasphemy to you, then good! Because it's been a blast
for me, too. ... [applause] And that, my friends, is
the Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney Brown!
[cheers and applause for A. Whitney Brown - Dennis and
Whitney shake hands] Whitney Brown, ladies and
gentlemen. Whitney Brown. Thank you. Thank you,
A New York state senator has blasted the
recently-concluded, so-called "Sexuality Week" at the
state university in Albany, saying that such events as
the "Condom Dance" had turned the school into a center
of carnal knowledge. The senator went on to say: "I
remember the old days when a man was a man and a
condom dance was a sock hop."
Biologists are worried that radio tracking devices are
harming rare owls in the northwest. They've been able
to tell this by hearing the owls now saying: "What?
[Photo of Rock Hudson's lover Mark Christian] And,
after a lengthy legal battle, Rock Hudson's former
lover, Mark Christian, was finally awarded twenty-one
million dollars in damages for having been unwittingly
exposed to the AIDS virus. When asked how he felt now
about Hudson, Mr. Christian replied, "That bastard! If
I had a dollar for every time-- Hey, wait a second! I
do!" ... [cheers and applause] Christian said if he
doesn't get his money, he plans to go back to his
previous job as the Brawny Paper Towel Man. [Photo of
Brawny Paper Towels with image of man resembling Mark
Christian] ... Yeah. Yeah. The quicker picker-upper!
And former folk singer Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf
Islam, came out this week and said he advocated the
assassination of Salman Rushdie. So much for that
"Peace Train" crap, huh, Cat? ... Yeah, I could see
this comin' years ago on his old album, Tea for the
Killerman [Doctored photo of Cat Stevens' album
Tea for the Tillerman] ... you, uh, you
remember the big hit:
[sings a parody of Stevens' song "Moonshadow"]
I'm being followed by a big muslim
Big muslim, big muslim
[switches to falsetto voice]
Big muslim, big muslim
Big muslim, big muslim
[Cheers and applause. When the crowd subsides, Dennis
suddenly starts singing his heart out with a slightly
mangled but endearingly passionate version of Stevens'
"Father and Son":]
How can I try to explain
When he do I turn away again
But it's harder to ignore it
If they were right, I'd agree
But it's them they know, not me now
There's a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go
[More cheers and applause. Dennis cracks up with
[Cheers and applause dies down. Again, Dennis breaks
into song, Stevens' "Wild World":]
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[Dennis mimes the keyboard part and hums
Dennis Miller: You know, the Grammys were held
Wednesday evening and George Michael failed to show up
to collect his award for Album of the Year. But he's
here tonight to tell us why. George Michael.
George Michael: [leather jacket, shades,
British accent] All right, all right. Thank you.
[cheers and applause] Faith. Thank you. Thank you,
Dennis. You know, I've been rather busy lately, you
know, starting work on the new album and filming
videos, you know. Well, appearance is very important,
as you know. Hair - is important. Face. And, of
Dennis Miller: Well, George, if you're so
concerned with your image, why were you a no-show at
George Michael: Butt maintenance is very
important. And, in fact, that is why I missed the
telly-cast. I began preparing my butt a full
forty-eight hours before the Grammys. I did a mineral
pre-soak. I plucked it, waxed it, buffed it. And, as I
was applying the sealant, I looked up and Billy
Crystal was saying, "Good night!"
Dennis Miller: Let's get back to your work,
George. What about your new album?
George Michael: But - but look at it. Look at
it. [rises, shows butt to Dennis] Don't - don't be
afraid of it, Dennis. Don't deny it. Look at it.
[wiggles butt] It's a nice butt. Look at it. It won't
hurt you, Dennis. It's your friend.
Dennis Miller: Yeah. I know, George, I know, I
George Michael: [sits] You fear my butt because
you don't understand it. You resist it like all the
others before you, yet its power only grows.
Dennis Miller: Have you spoken to Andy Ridgeley
George Michael: What about my butt?! [rises,
shows butt to Dennis] Look at it! You can't take your
eyes off it, can you?! [Dennis stares deadpan at the
wiggling butt, occasionally glancing at the audience]
It's hypnotic! Try to look away! You can't look away!
Try to look away! You can't! Look at it! Look at it!
[sits] Did you know - did you know, Dennis, that my
butt has the power to heal? Put a wilted flower near
my butt. It blooms! I don't claim to understand it,
I'm only its servant!
Dennis Miller: George. George, man, let's get
off the butt thing--
George Michael: Dennis, my butt will not be
trifled with! [rises, shows butt to Dennis] Do its
bidding, Dennis! Save yourself! Resist and die!
Surrender and live eternally! My butt will prevail! It
will outlive us all! For I have achieved perfect
buttness! [cheers, applause and whistling as George
Michael rises and rips off his microphone - he and his
Dennis Miller: [after a pause] Bummer.
[Photo of jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie puffing out
his cheeks to an enormous size] You know, the
highlight of the Grammy award ceremony for me had to
be when Dizzy Gillespie swallowed his Lifetime
Achievement award, yeah!
[Photo of the artist known at the time as Prince]
Minneapolis-based rock star Prince's last album did so
poorly that he reverted back to his original form this
week. [Photo of a person in a goofy frog costume,
carrying an umbrella, stepping into a rain-soaked
And Tipper Gore, head of the PMRC, is introducing
legislation that would require all McDonald's Instant
Cash Records to be issued with warning labels. When
playing the record backwards at a slow speed, she
claims to have heard the words, "Burger King is
Folks, I'm gonna need fifty dollars to make you holler
because I get paid to do the news thing. [Music: Tone
Loc's "Wild Thing"] Guess what? That's the news and I
am out o' here!