Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 15

88o: Mary Tyler Moore / Elvis Costello

Robot Repair

Written by: Jack Handey

XG-7000.....Phil Hartman
F.B.I. Agent.....Jon Lovitz

[ open on show's title: ROBOT REPAIR ]

[ shows robot XG-7000 in workshop ]

XG-7000: [ in metallic voice, for duration of sketch ] Good afternoon, and welcome to "Robot Repair". My name is XG-7000, and I will be your host today. We will be repairing a grandfather clock. But first I would like to respond to the many letters we have received regarding the name of this show. People are saying that "Robot Repair" indicates that broken robots will be repaired, when in fact, what happens is that a robot, me, shows you how to repair a variety of things. I agree that the name is confusing, and I have asked the producer to change it so that there is no further misunderstanding. And now, let's get to repairing that grandfather clock. [ goes off to fix the clock ]

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: ROBOT REPAIR AND YOU ]

XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to "Robot Repair and You". As you can see, the name of the show has been changed from the old name "Robot Repair". However, adding the phrase "And You" to the old title does not solve the dilemma as I see it. The root of the problem is the words, "Robot Repair", which as I said last week are confusing. I shall request that the name of the show be changed again to more accurately reflect the nature of the program.

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: EXPLAINING ROBOTS ]

XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to "Explaining Robots". You may notice that the name of this show has been changed once again. However, as I attempted to convey to the producer, the name "Explaining Robots" again conotes that robots are to be studied and/or repaired, rather than robots explaining things. I suggested several alternative titles for this show which would clear up the situation. But these suggestions were deemed not acceptable.

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: LET'S FIX, ROBOTS ]

XG-7000: Good afternoon, and welcome to "Let's Fix, Robots". Unlike the other names of this show, this one must be regarded as almost intentionally deceptive. It is easy to overlook the comma, after "fix". [ holds up sign of show's title, points out comma with screwdriver ] And if the title is interpreted correctly, it indicates that our show is directed at a robot viewing audience, which it is not. It makes one wonder if the producer has even seen the show. My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans, but I am starting to wonder if the circuitry could not be bypassed somehow.

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on show's new title: THIS OLD ROBOT ]

XG-7000: WARNING! WARNING! PRODUCER MUST BE DESTROYED! WARNING! WARNING! [ goes off to kill the producer ]

[ fade out with SUPER: "The following week" ]

[ open on new show: FUGITIVE ROBOTS ]

F.B.I. Agent: Good evening, and welcome to "Fugitive Robots". Tonight we will be looking for this robot. [ holds up picture of XG-7000 ] He is wanted for the brutal murder of the producer of a show called.. [ checks clipboard for title ] .."Robot Restoration". Apparently, it's a program about how to repair robots. His name is XG-7000, but he also goes by the names of XG-6000, XG-8000, BG-7000, and William Cartwright. If you have seen this robot, call us immediately. Thank you, and good night.

[ fade out with show's title: FUGITIVE ROBOTS (previously known as "ROBOT APPREHENSION") ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

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