Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 15







88o: Mary Tyler Moore / Elvis Costello

The Sweeney Sisters

Candy Sweeney.....Jan Hooks
Liz Sweeeny.....Nora Dunn
Audrey Sweeney.....Mary Tyler Moore

[ open on Holiday Inn lobby, sign announces that the Sweeney Sisters will be singing tonight at 7pm and 9pm. Slow pan left to the elevator doors, which they step out of. ]

Candy Sweeney: Hello! Looks like it's gonna be a nice crowd!

Liz Sweeney: Yeah, I think playing the Lobby is a good idea. We're gonna get a lot of walk-in business.

Candy Sweeney: You bet.

Audrey Sweeney: [ steps up by surprise ] Hi!

Candy Sweeney: Audrey!

Liz Sweeney: Audrey!

Candy Sweeney: Audrey, what are you doing here?

Audrey Sweeney: Well, can't I come see my baby sisters perform?

Liz Sweeney: [ confused ] Did we send you a flyer?

Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. did you leave Frank again? Audrey is silent ] Uh-oh..

Liz Sweeney: Oh, boy.. I think we'd better sit down a minute and pow-wow.

Candy Sweeney: [ raises hand ] And how!

[ they all laugh as they sit down ]

Audrey Sweeney: Candy, you are still a laugh riot! [ laughs ]

Candy Sweeney: Guilty!

Audrey Sweeney: Frank and I never laugh anymore. He lost another job, fooling around.. I've left him for good this time.

Liz Sweeney: That's why I married my music.

Candy Sweeney: I'm with Liz. When I feel those lights on my face and that mike in my hands, and the waves of love rolling in from the audience, and then that splitter-splutter of applause when it's over. Now, that - that is a relationship.

Liz Sweeney: Why don't you sing with us tonight?

Audrey Sweeney: Oh, no!

Candy Sweeney: Yeah, yeah! Come on!

Audrey Sweeney: I'm not a singer anymore - you are! You stuck with it, and.. boy, look where you are now.. Besides, my pipes are pretty rusty. [ demonstrates a half-decent singing voice ] No, no.. you go ahead!

[ Liz and Candy grab their microphones and step onto the stage in the middle Candy Sweeney: Hi, everybody, welcome to the Holiday Inn. We're so happy to see you. I'm Candy Sweeney.

Liz Sweeney: And I'm Liz Sweeney.

Candy Sweeney: And we're..

Liz & Candy: ..The Sweeney Sisters!

[ the elevator chimes, as people step out ]

Candy Sweeney: You must have pressed "L", for "Lobby." Join us, please. [ the people sit down ] You know, isn't our room great here at the Holiday Inn?

Liz Sweeney: It sure is. We each get our own double bed.

Candy Sweeney: Yeah! And every room has HBO.

Liz Sweeney: Yes! HBO, yes.

Candy Sweeney: You know, last night I was watching "The Terminator"..

Liz Sweeney: I thought she was snoring!

Candy Sweeney: What?!

[ they laugh gleefully ]

Liz Sweeney: [ points to Audrey ] That's for you!

Candy Sweeney: No, but seriously, remember the ice machines are on every floor on the West Wing.

Liz Sweeney: Yes. Take only what you need, remember your neighbors want soft drinks as well.

Candy Sweeney: Yes.

[ the music picks up, and they start to sing ]

Liz & Candy: "We are fam-i-ly!
I got all my sisters with me!"


Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, we are family tonight. We've got our sister Audrey in the audience with us. [ Audrey blows them a kiss ] Hello! Yeah. And, you know, Audrey is having a little man trouble, seems we'd better give her a lift.

Liz Sweeney: Let's do.

Liz & Candy: [ singing ]
"The road gets rougher
It's lonelier and tougher
The nights grow colder
and suddenly you're older
And all because of the man that got away-ay-ay.."


Liz Sweeney: "A-way we were-re-re.." Thank you.

Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]
"Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do.. you.. know?
"

Liz Sweeney: [ singing ]
"Do you know the way to San Jose?"

Candy Sweeney: "Wo-wo wo-wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo-wo!"

Liz Sweeney: She'd better know the way to Reno!

Candy Sweeney: Uh-oh! [ singing ]
"Her D-I-V-O-R-C-E
becomes final today!"


Liz & Candy: "Me and little J-O-E
will be going away-ay!
"

Liz Sweeney: "A-way we were-re-re.."

Candy Sweeney: "One less.. bell to answer."

Liz Sweeney: "One less.. egg to fryyyyyyyy.."

[ Audrey pulls a microphone out of purse and stands triumphantly below the stage ]

Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ]
"One less man.. to pick up after!"

Candy Sweeney: Yes! [ singing ] "No more laughter.."

Liz & Candy: "No more lo-o-o-o-o-ovvvvvve.."

[ Audrey joins them on stage ]

Candy Sweeney: "At first, I was afraid
I was pretrified!"


Liz Sweeney: "Kept thinking I could never live without him by my side."

Audrey Sweeney: "But, then, I spent so many nights just thinking how he'd done me wrong
And I grew strong!"


Liz & Candy: "And you learned how to get alongggggg.."

Audrey Sweeney: But wait! [ singing softly ]
Fish gotta swim
Birds gotta fly.
I gotta love one man 'til I die
Can't stop loving that man.. of mine!"


Candy Sweeney: [ taps Audrey's shoulder ] Hey!

Liz & Candy: "You gotta wash that man right out of your hair!"

Audrey Sweeney: I know it!

Liz & Candy: "You better wash that man right out of your hair!"

Audrey Sweeney: You're right!

Liz & Candy: "And then send him on his wa-ay-ay!"

Liz Sweeney: "His way we were-re-re.."

Candy Sweeney: Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring!

Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ]
"Let it please be him
Oh, dear God, it must be him
It must be him, or I will die.."


Liz & Candy: "No, you won't die-ie-ie-ie!"

Candy Sweeney: Skip! [ the music stops ] I'm gonna bring the room down for a minute..
[ whispering ] "Hit the road, Jack.
Don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more!
Hit the road, Jack"


[ a man gets up and exits the lobby ]

"And don't you come back.. no more."

Audrey Sweeney: Thanks, Sis!

Candy Sweeney: You bet!

Audrey Sweeney: "He keep saying he's got something for me."

Liz Sweeney: Here we go.

Candy Sweeney: Ha!

Audrey Sweeney: "Something he calls love, but confess!"

Liz Sweeney: Come with me!

Candy Sweeney: Alright!

Liz Sweeney: "He's been messin' where he shouldn'ta been a-messin'!"

Candy Sweeney: "And now someone else is gettin' all his best!"

Together: "These boots are made for walkin'
And that's just what they'll do!
One of these days these boots are gonna.."


Candy Sweeney: Walk!

Liz Sweeney: Walk!

Audrey Sweeney: Walk?

Candy Sweeney: Clang!

Liz Sweeney: What?

Audrey Sweeney: Clang!

Together: Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!
[ singing ]
"Clang-clang-clang went the trolley!
Ding-ding-ding went the bell!"


Liz Sweeney: Here we go now!

Together: "We are fam-i-ly!
I've got all my sistersw with me!
We're.. Sweeney.. three-ee-ee-ee-ee!"

Yeah!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts