Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16









88p: Mel Gibson / Living Colour

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist

Colleen.....Jan Hooks
Secretary.....Victoria Jackson
Other Patient.....Bonnie Turner
Dream Gynecologist.....Mel Gibson
Miss Stevenson.....Christine Zander
Mrs. Scott.....Nora Dunn
Dr. Green.....Jon Lovitz

[ open on a larger than necessary group of women sitting in a waiting room ]

Colleen: I'm Colleen Walsh, and I have a 10 o'clock appointment with the doctor. I'm a new patient.

Secretary: Take a number.

Colleen: Take a number? Wow.. Okay. [ takes number and sits down ]

Secretary: [ answers phone ] Yes? No, I'm sorry, the doctor's booked solid. No, I wouldn't advise just coming and waiting. No, we never get a cancellation. [ hangs up ]

Colleen: Boy, this doctor's busy, huh?

Other Patient: Oh, yeah.

Colleen: I hope I don't have to wait long, or I know I'll chicken out. I hate going to the gynecologist, don't you?

Other Patient: [ shakes head ] Not really.

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: [ steps out of his office ] Uh.. Miss Stevenson?

[ title graphic appears over Mel Gibson ]

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: And now, another episode of Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist.

[ Miss Stevenson brushes her hair before approaching the doctor ]

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: I hope you didn't have to wait too long.

Miss Stevenson: Oh, no, not at all! [ hurries into the office ]

Colleen: [ looking on ] Oh.

[ Mrs. Scott exits the doctor's office, looking wholly fulfilled, and rushes to the Secretary's station ]

Mrs. Scott: I'd like to book my next appointment now, please.

Secretary: Good idea, Mrs. Scott. Okay, the doctor can see you in six months..

Mrs. Scott: No! Next week!

Secretary: [ sighing ] Please, Mrs. Scott. We go through this every time.

Mrs. Scott: I need another breast exam!

Secretary: You just had one.

Mrs. Scott: I'm extremely cautious!

Secretary: Okay, look - September 4th, six months from now. Take it or leave it.

Mrs. Scott: Alright, alright.. [ exits the lobby ]

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: [ stepping out ] Ladies, I just.. [ all the women moan and sigh ] I just want ot say, I'm sorry we're running a little late today. It seems we're running late every day. I just didn't foresee the practice growing this quickly..

Women: That's okay.. that's okay..

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: So today I've added a new doctor.. Dr. Green.. [ Dr. Green steps out ] ..Dr. Green will be available for anybody who would like to see him, and you can avoid me. So, just feel free to give your name to him.. [ retreats to his office ]

Dr. Green: Next. [ no response ] Well.. I'll, uh.. be in my office all afternoon..

Announcer: Join us next week for Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist.

[ fade ]


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