Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Exxon Cleanup

Employee #1.....Jon Lovitz
Employee #2.....Ben Stiller
Foreman.....Phil Hartman
Andy.....Dana Carvey
Terri.....Victoria Jackson
Employee #3.....Al Franken
Female Employee.....Nora Dunn
Captain Hazelwood.....Kevin Nealon

[ open on Teal Bay, Alaska, Exxon employees sitting amongst the rocks cleaning up debris from the oil tanker spill ]

Employee #1: Hey, that rock is not done yet.

Employee #2: Sure it is!

Employee #1: No, it's not! It's got oil on the bottom!

Employee #2: Nobody's gonna look at the bottom of a rock!

Employee #1: [ disgusted ] I'm telling you..

Foreman: [ steps in ] Problem?

Employee #2: We don't have to clean the bottoms, do we?

Foreman: Yes. The whole rock!

Employee #1: [ makes victory squeal ]

Employee #2: Look, Mr. Williamson, some of us were wondering, uh.. where do we put the otters?

Foreman: You know the procedure!

Employee #2: Yeah. But I kind of forget..

Foreman: [ talks into loudspeaker ] Alright, everybody, I'm going to go through this ONE more time! There are FOUR otter piles: oily, dead otters; clean, dead otters; oily, live otters; and clean, live otters!

Andy: [ running forward ] Mr. Willliamson! Mr. Williamson! I just cleaned another rock!

Foreman: That's real good, Andy. Andy, you don't have to tell me every time you clean a rock. Just put it on the clean rock pile.

Andy: Okay. [ moves along ]

Foreman: Terri!

Terri: [ enters scene ] Yes, Mr. Williamson?

Foreman: I think we're gonna need a lot more towels.

Terri: Okay, just a couple rolls, right?

Foreman: No! Hundreds of rolls!

Terri: Oh. Just any old brand, right?

Foreman: No, I'm afraid we'll need a brand name - Cornet, Viva, Brawny..

Terri: Plain or decorated?

Foreman: It doesn't matter! [ pause ] Decorated, if you can get it..

Terri: Okay. [ moves along ]

Employee #3: Mr. Williamson? I've gotta knock off early. Uh.. would it be okay if I took these rocks home, and finished cleaning then there?

Foreman: I, uh..

Employee #3: I'll bring 'em back tomorrow. Promise.

Foreman: Alright, alright. Just sign them out with Terry. [ picks up a shiny rock ] Oh, hey, hey! Here's a clean rock! Who cleaned this rock?

Female Employee: Me, Sir!

Foreman: Well, this is great! How did you do this?

Female Employee: Well, I used a white vinegar pre-soap, I scrubbed with a high-grade steel wool, and I used a little Turtle Wax.

Foreman: Well, good job! I'm thinking about putting you on that big boulder over there!

Female Employee: You won't regret it, Sir!

Foreman: Well, good. [ she runs off, as he looks down ] Alright! Who tracked oil through our clean patch?! Aw, come on, we worked so hard on that! Come on, who did it! [ everyone points to Captain Hazelwood ] Captain Hazelwood, you're on pretty thin ice already!

Captain Hazelwood: Gosh, I'm sorry, Sir. I guess I did it again, huh! [ takes a swig from a flask of alcohol ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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