Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16









88q: Dolly Parton

Celebrity Restaurant

Nobody.....Mike Myers
Buddy Precisely.....Dana Carvey
Jack Nicholson.....Phil Hartman
Tracy Ullman.....Jan Hooks
Gary Sermans.....Ben Stiller
.....Dolly Parton
Gary Sermans.....Ben Stiller
Fireman.....Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, fancy Hollywood restaurant, Buddy Precisely standing at the pedestal reviewing his guest list ]

Nobody: [ approaching with supermodel-level date ] Hi.

Buddy Precisely: Yeees?

Nobody: Carlisle, party of two.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: I have a reservation.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: For 7:30?

Buddy Precisely: Ohhhhhhmmmmm, no! [ waves his hand towards the bar ] Wait at the barm wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Nobody: Hey, hey, I have a reservation, I'm not waiting at the bar!

Buddy Precisely: [ signals bouncer and waves his hand towards the door ] Then take them outside, take them outside, take them outside.. [ Bouncer pulls the Nobody and his date outside ] Goodbye. Don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed, everybody, pay no attention, he doesn't matter, he's not a star! [ walks up to the dining entrance ] Look at the stars! The stars over here in the dining room - look! Right there, right now! Corbin Bernsen's eating a biscuit, look at him! [ waiting crowd "Oohs" ] What an amazing..! [ Jack Nicholson enters ] Well, Jack Nicholson, everybody! Jack Nicholson! You huge, mammoth, incredible, monstrous star, what can I do for you! Jack Nicholson: I'll tell you what you can do for me. You can take your fingers off of my jacket.

Buddy Precisely: [ laughs ] Oh, what a funster! I'll come by your table later for a cocktail, Jack!

Jack Nicholson: I'd rather stick needles in my eye!

Buddy Precisely: I love it when you kid me! Claudine, take this wonderful megastar to his table, and sit him right next to.. Nick Nolte!

Tracy Ullman: [ bounces into the room ] Bud-dy, Bud-dy!

Buddy Precisely: Tracy Ullman, everybody! Tracy Ullman! [ hugs her ] Look at you! Welcome you Golden Globe-winning star! How's your highly-acclaimed serie?

Tracy Ullman: It's in the basement, Buddy! It is! I can get a walk, but I can't get ratings! [ laughs ]

Buddy Precisely: And you can't get a table here! [ pushes her away ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. [ Bouncer removes her ] I love you, Tracy, you're the Moe Howard of England, take it outside!

Gary Sermans: [ enters ] Hello. I'm Gary Sermans, I have a reservation?

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh? And where might I have heard that name?

Gary Sermans: Well, I'm an actor and a writer, you probably haven't heard of me - yet.

Buddy Precisely: A total unknown? An anbsolute nobody? Wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Gary Sermans: Well, wait a minute! I have a script in development!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? What studio?

Gary Sermans: Paramount!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhh! And what did you do before that?

Gary Sermans: I was Dick Clark's poolboy!

Buddy Precisely: Claudine! Seat this very important young man immediately! Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Clark's poolboy! [ shows him inside the dining area ] Wonderful! [ Dolly Parton enters ] Oh, my goodness! The lovely Doly Parton! Look at you, what can I do for you, you big, huge, wonderful star!

Dolly Parton: Oh, nothing! I'm just here to meet a couple of friends of mine for dinner, and I'm just a little early!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh.. who are we meeting?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just some friends that I worked with on my television show.

Buddy Precisely: Ohh, yes.. your ill-fated television show. You must feel just awful!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well.. I just believe: if it works, it works, and if it don't, the Lord takes care of you anyway!

Buddy Precisely: Yes, he does. Even after such an enormous failure!

Dolly Parton: Oh, no more than "Rhinestone".

Buddy Precisely: Oh, yes, "Rhinestone", the movie that nearly killed Sylvester Stallone's entire career!

Dolly Parton: Ohhhh.. we're still friends, he calls me every now and then..

Buddy Precisely: [ interested ] Uh-huh? What other huge stars call you?

Dolly Parton: Oh, listen, Buddy, I don't want to take up your time. How about if I just take a seat at the bar?

Buddy Precisely: No one waits at the bar until I tell them, Dolly. [ pause ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. [ Dolly waits at the bar, as an Asian man enters ] Oh! Khangas Moore! You wonderfully, taslented, versatile little star, you! As they say in Thailand, "Mi casa, su casa!" Your table is right here, through the kitchen, with fellow Oscar winners Marlee Matlin and Linda Hunt! Go right in, you big, important star, you! [ shoves him into the kitchen ] Ladies and gentlemen, Charlton Heston is eating a trout in the dining room! [ Rob Lowe enters ] Oh, goodness! Rob Lowe! [ waves hand toward the door ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. don't you ever sing in public again!

Dolly Parton: [ comes forward ] Excuse me, Buddy?

Buddy Precisely: Yes, Dolly?

Dolly Parton: Buddy, I don't mean to interrupt you, but there seems to be something awful coming out of your kitchen!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Dolly Parton: Well, I don't want to panic anybody, but back where we come from, we call it a fire!

Buddy Precisely: You incredibly, observant star! How observant of you!

[ Firemen rush in ]

Fireman: Where's the manager?! Where's the manager?!

Buddy Precisely: Excuse me! I believe I'm talking to my good friend, Dolly Parton! [ the firefighters are excited ] Go right in, Dolly, you wonderful, grand star! I love you when you're here! [ lets Dolly into the dining area, then turns to the firemen ] Now, what do you want?

Fireman: We're the Beverly Hills Fire Department.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? And where might I have seen your work?

Fireman: Well.. we put a fire out in the stock room at Bejean's.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Fireman: Yeah.. a two-alarm fire.

Buddy Precisely: Two-alarm? Not one-alarm, two-alarm?

Fireman: Two-alarm.

Buddy Precisely: Not a three-alarm? [ waves his hands towards the bar ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. Ramone, the smoke, please, take it outside, take it outside..

[ Bouncer helps Buddy fan the smoke outside, as the sketch fades out ]


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