88r: Geena Davis / John Mellencamp
Frost White and the Seven L'il Men
Frost White.....Geena Davis
Evil Step-Cousin.....Nora Dunn
(Interior: law office. Berman sits in an armchair and addresses the audience.)
Berman: Hello, I'm Scott Berman, of the law firm Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, outside counsel to the National Broadcasting Company. One of the most wondrous stories of all time is the enchanting fable "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." Our client NBC would like nothing more than to bring this timeless tale into your living room. Unfortunately, the copyright for "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" is owned by the Disney Corporation, which, as you know, takes a very strong stand against any infringement of said copyright. And that is why tonight, NBC, *ahem* in conjunction with the law firm of Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, proudly presents tonight's live production, "Frost White and the Seven Lil' Men" ... an all-new, entirely original fable, which cannot reasonably be interpreted as a violation of Title 17, Sections 101-106 of the US Code, at least that's our position.
(Disneyesque music begins, and he cocks an ear)
Berman: Oh, I think I hear the seven lil' men returning from a day's work of an undetermined nature.
(Fade to stage, with a Disneyesque outdoor meadow setting. The Lil' Men march into view as a title card is displayed.)
Lil' Men: (singing)
It's back from work we cry.
We're back from work, we're back from work.
(The music stops, and they all burst out laughing. Frost White emerges, smiling, and addresses each of them as they face the camera)
Frost White: My little men! ... Touchy ... Feely ... Itchy ... Coughy ...
Frost White: Barry ... Sticky ... and Resentful. You're just in time to help me clean up the house.
Itchy: I know a song we can sing WHILE we clean up!
Frost White: Good for you, Itchy. Coughy ... will you sing along?
Itchy: He said yes!
Frost White: (giggles) Oh, Coughy ... you're my favorite! (she walks over to him, and gives him a kiss on the forehead)
Itchy: Come on, everybody! Follow me!
(Disneyesque music begins, and they all step to the beat)
Frost White & Lil' Men: (singing)
Hum while you work.
Hum while you work.
Hum while you work.
(They all laugh, and march off-stage)
(Fade back to Berman)
Berman: You know, it's interesting what makes one song legally *ahem* different from another ... it's not always black and white, and that's what makes my job so exciting. The court has established one pretty clear precedent: if every third note is different, you are the owner of a unique musical property.
(Dramatic music swells up)
Berman: Well, not everyone in our enchanting tale loves Frost White the way Touchy, Feely, Sorry, Smiley, Coughy, Stretch, and Resentful do. Let's go now to the castle and meet Frost White's evil step-cousin. That's right, step-COUSIN.
(The dramatic music continues as we fade to a still of a castle on top of a hill. Inside the castle, the Evil Step-Cousin picks up a plate off the dinner table.)
Evil Step-Cousin: Whoever washed this plate did a fine job. I can see my face in it, almost as if it were a mirror. (glances at the camera) But it's not a mirror. It's a plate. (looks at the plate) Plate, plate, in my hand, who's the best-looking in the land?
(The image of Frost White's face appears in the plate.)
Evil Step-Cousin: Frost White?!
(She slams the plate on the table, and it shatters. She picks up an orange off the table)
Evil Step-Cousin: I'll get her ... with one of my poisonous ORANGES! (laughs sinisterly)
(Fade back to the meadow setting. Frost White picks some yellow flowers by the well as soft music plays)
Frost White: (singing)
Someday my prince will come.
Someday my prince will come ...
(Cut back to Scott, on the phone)
Berman: (irritated) This the studio? What the hell's goin' on?
(the music stops)
Berman: No, you CAN'T use their lyrics! We agreed on "Someday, my EARL will come"! No prince ... well, who said it was okay?! ... Oh yeah? Well, to HELL with her!
(He raises his voice as he talks)
Berman: Now look, you tell Geena Davis to go to law school, pass the damn bar, work herself up to stinkin' partner in the best copyright firm in the country, AND THEN SHE CAN TELL ME THAT "PRINCE" DOESN'T EXPOSE US TO MAJOR, AND I'M TALKING, MAJOR DAMAGE!!
(He slams the receiver, then picks it up again)
Berman: DISNEY!! WE'RE TALKING DISNEY!!!
(He slams the receiver again, then calms down, and starts lying pathologically ...)
Berman: Well, uh, Frost White, uh, had uh, it seems, uh ... mailed some film to be developed, and, uh, uh, had been waiting for some time to get her PRINTS back. Yes, so she was singing, "Some week my PRINTS," P-R-I-*N*-T-S, "will come," *not* P-R-I-N-C-E.
(he starts fondling his tie nervously)
Berman: And uh ... oh, oh, did I mention that Snow White -- excuse me, Frost White, that Frost White was a, uh, was a man? Because she is! Yes, yes, and uh, and the uh, the seven little men, they're, well they're all blind. I don't know if that was coming across in the acting, but they can't see, they can't see at all! Well, um, I don't think Frost White is going to be the annual e-VENT that we had hoped, but for those of you who have stuck with us for this long, thank you and good night.
("Hum While You Work" reprises as a caption rolls over a still of Frost White and the Seven Lil' Men.)
Voice-over: (reading the caption) "The characters of Frost White and the Seven Lil' Men are the sole property of the National Broadcasting Company. Any reproduction or unauthorized use is strictly prohibited."
Submitted by: The G Man