Father Guido Sarducci.....Don Novello
[ open backstage, as Father Guido Sarducci and Nora Dunn pass through the hall ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I can't believe they won't-a let me on-a the show just because I don't have a black tie. I got-a everything black except the tie, you know?
[ they exit the area, as Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson walk into view ]
Victoria Jackson: Gee, Kevin, isn't this amazing? I've never seen so many funny people all in one place.
Kevin Nealon: Yeah, tell me about it.. tell me about it! Look over there, look! Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Dan Aykroyd, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks!
Victoria Jackson: Wow, talk about your comedy minds.
Kevin Nealon: There must be some major league ripping going on over there.
Victoria Jackson: Yeah!
Kevin Nealon: What I'd give to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!
[ cut to the groups' conversation ]
Dan Aykroyd: Oh, sure, I was getting gross points, but it was adjusted gross. Based on a 20% distribution fee.
Tom Hanks: No! Oh, wow, wow.. Listen to this: Disney gives me 50% of the net, but they claim the director's gross as production costs.
Steve Martin: God, what a horror story!
Billy Crystal: Do you guys still read the scripts that you're gonna do?
[ cut back to Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson ]
Kevin Nealon: This is great! Everybody's here!
Victoria Jackson: [ pointing ] Look! Isn't that Joan Cusack and Sam Kinison?
[ cut to Sam Kinison screaming at Joan Cusack ]
[ camera pans left to reveal Mary Tyler More making out with Jon Lovitz ]
Victoria Jackson: Oh, look! There's Mary Tyler Moore!
Kevin Nealon: Yeah! Yeah! And she's making out with.. with Lovitz! This is nice! This is gonna be some party, I'll tell you that!
Victoria Jackson: Yeah!
[ dissolve to Lorne Michaels' office, Chevy Chase seated in front of his desk eating popcorn out of a basket ]
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I just can't let you do this fall. It's too dangerous.
Chevy Chase: Dangerous? Lorne, I did the fall every week.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, you're fifty-eight years old!
Chevy Chase: Okay, but I feel as good as I did fifteen years ago!
Lorne Michaels: Fifteen years ago you were forty-three.
Chevy Chase: Yeah, and in fifteen years I'll be seventy-three. So what?
[ Jane Curtin leans in ]
Jane Curtin: What's going on?
Chevy Chase: Oh, hi, Jane.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy wants to do the fall.
Jane Curtin: But he's fifty-eight years old!
Lorne Michaels: I know.
Chevy Chase: What's the big deal about being fifty-eight years old? In my movies, I play guys in their late forties, early fifties.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, it's the network. They're just not gonna insure anyone over fifty-five.
Chevy Chase: They don't have to!
Lorne Michaels: Well, alright, but you're gonna have to sign some ppaers, then. Here. [ shows legal papers on desk to Chevy ]
Chevy Chase: Alright, thank you, Lorne.. [ signs his name ] Geez, we gotta hurry, Lorne -
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. here.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ] Show's gonna start nay second, and I gotta -
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. and.. and here.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ] I've gotta get ot my dressing room..
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] Just initial this one here, please.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ]
[ Joe Piscopo, dressed in a sleeveless tuxedo with muscles bulging, enters office ]
Joe Piscopo: Chevy, I just heard. Lorne, excuse me. Chevy, look, I can't let you do this. I mean, I love you, but you're not in shape. I think I should do the fall. [ flexes his arms to show Chevy his muscles ]
Chevy Chase: Thanks, Joe, but I'll be fine. Don't worry about me, okay?
Joe Piscopo: Lorne, are you gonna let this guy go out there, hmm? [ flexes a little more ] I mean, what is this guy, sixty years old?
Chevy Chase: [ stern ] I'm fifty-seven-and-a-half.
[ Joe Piscopo steps out of Chevy's way ]
Lorne Michaels: Good luck!
[ a stagehand puts a helmet in Chevy's hands ]
Stagehand: Sorry, it's contractual, Chevy. You're ready for Prime Time now.
[ Chevy grabs the helmet and exits the office into the audience carrying his basket of popcorn ]
Chevy Chase: I just want to get this over.. I don't have much time, I have to get to my dressing room.. [ puts the helmet on ] ..take a couple of back pills, I'll be fine. What's the big deal? If I could just get my pads on.. [ to an audience member ] Could I get through here, please? [ walks into the audience, places his popcorn on a woman's lap ] Would you hld that? Thanks. [ adjusts his helmet ] These are not easy to put on. [ continues walking through the audience tripping here and there, and eventually spilling his popcorn onto the head of Brandon Tartikoff ] Oops! Oh, I'm sorry! Very sorry! [ spots Garrett Morris sitting next to Brandon ] Garrett!
Garrett Morris: Hey!
Chevy Chase: How are you, baby?
Garrett Morris: Hey, Chevy! What's happening, man! Look, Chevy, Chevy.. don't do the fall. Okay? Look, man, you are older than me! You're just gonna bust your behind!
Chevy Chase: I'm fine, Garrett..
[ Chevy continues walking through the audience as Garrett rambles on behind him ]
Garrett Morris: I mean, at your age, man, healing is a long, slow, painful process! Man, I busted mine two years ago, and I -
Chevy Chase: I'm gonna be late now, that's just great..
[ Chevy crashes into the wall, his popcorn flying everywhere as he tumbles down the stairs. He quickly stumbles into a door marked as his dressing room and closes the door behind him. A few seconds later, Chevy re-opens the door and pulls off the helmet. ]
"LIVE, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"