Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

A Message From the White House

President George Bush.....Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: And now, from the White House, the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, President George Bush sitting behind a desk from which his bare legs are visible ]

President George Bush: Alright, good evening, good evening. You know, it's been a while since I've talked to ya'! Lemme tell ya, it's been a good summer, out there in the.. Bush family compound out up there in Kennenbunkport Bay, that - that whole area up there. Out in that speedboat going 'round and 'round, doing loop-de-loops. [ chuckles ] Did some fishing! Didn't catch any - not the point! No - no, sir. Got out there on that water, got in that re-lax-a-tion mode, re-charge the batteries.

You know, I feel good. Voice - voice low. Voice.. low - getting lower. Doctors tell me it can go lower even still. Whining, screeching - thing of the past. Hurricane Hugo, doing that damage down there. Going 'round and 'round, doing that hurricane thing down there. A lot of damage. Natural disaster - not.. my.. fault! Spending relief; sending it down there - not too much, not too quickly. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

And the drug problem. Bigger than ever. [ motions, then holds up a bag of cocaine crack ] This is cocaine crack. I'll tell you something: this crack was bought right here, in the White House, three feet from this desk. Drug problem, worse than we ever thought. Marijuana being grown in the Rose Garden. Millie, the Bush dog, bringing in crackpipe from the South Lawn. It's bad! Bad! Had to close down an ecstasy factory in the Lincoln Bedroom. We're gonna whip it, with a three-pronged attack. First prong: Education; tell our kids that it's bad! Second prong: Interdiction; self-explanatory. Third prong: a secret; secret prong. Not gonna reveal it now - wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

Now, allow me to say a personal word to the Medellin cartel: You know, this week you threatened to kidnap members of my family. Well, let me see you try! My kids: Jeb, packing heat. My son Neil, knows thirty ways to kill a man, and all of them work! [ smiles ] Neil [ Carvey accidentally says Jeb ] can make an incision under the chin with his bare hands, pull the face up over the skull - skull laid bare! He can thrust his hand through a man's chest cavity, pull out the heart while it's still beating, show it to the victim, still enough blood in the victim's brain to see it! Show it to 'im before the body collapses to the floor. Seen it, seen it many times! Doro, my only daughter, just graduated from an evasive driving course. And that leave us with Bar, my wife. Bar lived a full life - ready to die. Has a cyanide capsule on that necklace of hers. Will bite down when and if the time comes.

So, to sum up: Hurricane Hugo, not.. my.. fault; this summer, good; voice, low; Dan Quayle, still gainning acceptance; drugs, bad! Jeb, packing heat; Neil, trained killer; and Bar, ready to die. Once again, those - those people up there.. [ points off-camera to the crew ] ..doing that thing up there, trying to drag me into that "Live, from New York" thing, something I'm not gonna do. Not gonna do it! Not gonna go out there and say, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Niiiightt!"

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